Today for the first time I want to quit my job without even looking for a new one.
Until now, I have been thinking - oh, will definately quit when I find a new job, whatever it is. Now I have hit rock bottom cause I just want to quit. I do. I dont care that I will not get paid anymore, my self esteem will be nowhere to be found, I will be miserable b/c of no pay but will be happy cause I dont have come here.
Oh God! What am I to do?
I am in a sticky situation. I need to keep my job as without it I will be completely dependant on J. I have been there before and let me tell you, its not fun. I dont ever want to be at a point where I am completely dependant on someone. So I have been avoiding that senario until today.
Now I feel I just want out whatever the cost!
I hate being here. I love my workmates but hate the prospect of answering one more damned question from my clients. I - just - hate - it.
I hate that I am getting paid as a student inspite of not being a student and pretty much holding this sinking ship afloat. Yes, that gives me a good bargaining position but the reality is I dont want to work here. So, me trying to secure a permanent position is just trapping myself in. I cant make myself do that. And, yet, I know what I have to do now - I have to go for that permanant position b/c I have looked everywhere I havent found anyone to hire me. I just cant keep hoping to get by. I need the money and if with that money comes the trap then so be it.
The only way and I mean the ONLY way all of this would be bearable is if I were pregnant. I would be happy. It would give some meaning to my miserable work life. I will justify working here b/c I will have a child to take care of. That is not happening. Granted its only been like 2 months of trying but I makes me sad.
Part of me wishes to be a housewife from when women werent expected to work. Whenever that was. I wouldnt be in this position. How awful is that?
I have even thought of going back to school but even that seems like a stupid move, cause then, not only I am not working and not getting paid but I am raking up even more student loans.
I am sorry to bring such a downer of a post but I promise I will write about Venice soon!
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4 comments:
I think I understand how you are feeling. It sounds like a very frustrating situation.
It sounds sort of silly, but maybe it would help to think of yourself as the one you are taking care of...for the sake of your future child(ren)...and even just for YOU.
mate, if you are not happy, GET OUT! Take the risk, I bet you'll find a job straight away. Quitting without something to fall back on makes you look even harder.
Laura, vi - thanks. I kind of makes sense what you say Laura. And yes, Vi - I sound miserable and there is no low lower than that! I am thinking of doing that - leaving my job....just walking away and re-thinking all of this.
I think I shd finish this year though!
How soon can you leave, realistically? What is your dream job? Is it achieveable, now? And if you wanted to go back to school, what would you study? Would you want to continue working in your field, even if you had children? So many questions!!!
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