So, I am not one of those women who go all girly and super baby obsessed. I dont think there is anything wrong with being that - its just not me. In fact, I wish it was me - cause I really think society expects that from you as a pregnant woman.

Anyhoo, just thought of this today. Its weird. I am happy, in fact I am super happy - but being a very practical person - I tend not to romanticize anything. I am the person who hates buying flowers on valentines day. I dont expect J to buy me flowers everyday or take walks with me in the moonlight. I dont. I dont crave it. I'd much rather take that walk by myself. Much rather buy those flowers for myself, if I wanted. It makes an interesting marriage as J is more of an romantic. This baby stuff is wonderful but its not the end all. It doesnt define me. It makes me happy but like a lot of women I know it doesnt complete me. Its weird. I wish I didnt feel this disconnected. But I cant change that. I can enjoy where I am and who I am. I just wish I was girly and bursting to buy baby clothes.

Partly, I think it is me wanting to get through the first 3 months. I think once that is done, I will become more 'pregnant'. But until that time - I need to be practical, I think.

Toast

I love toast.

As a child that used to be my favourite thing to eat. I like toast of any kind.

In India, the lack of a toaster forces people to toast a toast in the pan. So you heat the pan, put bread on it and let it toast a bit. Once it is toasted, you can do one of two things.
1) Take the toast out of the pan and butter it and gobble it.
2) Put butter on the toast and let it sit on the pan. This makes the toast buttery and brown and generally delicious.

I love toast that way. I used to eat it pretty much everyday at home.

I also love toast - toasted in the toaster. You toast it and then butter it when hot. So the butter melts and you have warm googy, buttery goodness.

But as I love toast. I also love toasting my bread in the toaster or the toaster oven, and letting it cool and then buttering it. So its crunchy and buttery.

I ate toast this morning. It was delicious.

Ok, apparently I am obsessed by this fake eyelashes girl. I have seen her several times and blogger about her here.

She was wearing fake eyelashes and they just look weird. Its too early, you are not Christina Aguilara and no one needs fake eyelashes first thing in the morning. I dont care who you are!

Seriously, one of these days I am going to follow her and see what she does for a living that requires her to wear giant eyelashes....

Wow, someone is feeling bitchy today!

Sick, sick, sick

I am too sick to eat anything. I feel soooooo hungry but the thought of eating grosses me out. I go through this grossing out of food every so often but right now I am dying to eat!

Its a bad combo. Plus, I have to make sure I eat healthy!

Yesterday, I couldnt down anything other than boiled rice. I know, not good for the baby but I think me puking everything I eat wouldnt be that good either. So - I ate some boiled rice and drank some soy milk. I had to force myself to drink half a glass of Soy.

I actually find that milk and cheese make me sick. I have always known I was slightly allergic to to both but the pregnancy is bringing the worst in me. I had some ice cream and some crackers and cheese on Saturday night and woke up early morning with sweat running down me, horrible (worst) stomach ache I have ever had and nausea like there is no tomorrow - I go to the washroom and think that the worse is happening. But no, I had horrible upset stomach all the while trying not to puke and wanting a glass of cold water. I somehow stumble back to bed - J is up wondering the same thing. Then, about half an hour later - I feel normal like nothing had happened.

Anyways, while I am not able to eat, I feel like eating butter fried bread and pickled turmeric. But the thought of eating them is making me sick. So you see I dont know what to do!

I am getting my brazilian wax today. I am apprehensive but also excited.

I figure might as well do it now before I get too big...

I am so hungry. Like I can eat a horse. Really. Doesnt matter what I eat - as soon as I am done eating I want to eat more. Like yesterday, I had dinner and then wanted to eat another dinner - its crazy!

And then, I saw my acupuncturist who was shocked that I havent given up tea for my pregnancy. I am Indian I drink tea - my only vice. Once a day with tonnes of milk and sugar - so shoot me!

Anyhoo, so I told her that I have been craving spicy food - and she said that was very unusual for pregnant women. Now I feel I am odd. Meh! who cares I will eat spicy food and drink my cha with it!

Dubai

I want to go to Dubai! I keep hearing about it from my family in India...

I seems fun. Lots of heat and tonnes of money.

Of maybe I just want to be in some place warm and sunny. I could totally do that right now. Hawaii, Mexico, India, Australia - whatever. Bring it on!

Hmmm, I keep waiting for my warm, flop around vacation - not that Italy wasnt fun. It was awesome and I am so glad we did that but I want to go and flop on the beach...

You cant have it all can you? Damn it!

I am going back

to the 90s that is.....apparently.

I have discovered the Stone Roses! They are freaking awesome. All I want to do all day is listen to them....

That and Oasis.

Is that wrong?

Well, I have been dying to blog. I started blogging to keep a record of my thoughts and me generally. Whatever I write is quite private. I treat the blog like my diary. That is why J doesnt know I have a blog and I would be miffed if he ever read it. Anyways.

Turns out, I am pregnant! I found out on Saturday. J was over the moon - I am terrified.

Yes, that is what I am absolutely terrified. Like deer in the headlights terror!

Now, I am hoping this is normal. If not, I dont know. All I know is the mere fact of pushing a human being out of me is bringing terror.

The other thing is me being a typical sagittarian, the thought of all this responsibility is bringing terror. I am not worried much about that part - I know I will be okay with it over time I just need it to marinate within me and it will be fine.

I went to see the Bee Movie, which was okay, and there were all these moms and kids and it was like a look into the future for me. The glazed eyes, the dishevelled hair, the crusts on the clothes...I'll be honest, it freaked me out a bit.


Partly, I think I just need to talk to someone about this. Someone who has had kids and gone through this whole thing. Once I talk to someone, it will be alright I think. I wanted talk to J's friend, Amy who has two kids. J wants me to talk to his mum. I like his mum and all but come on - the last time she was pregnant was in 1973. That is long time ago. We has also decided not to tell anyone until the first 3 months. Now, he wants me to tell his parents and my parents and all of india and I am still in the terror stage! The way I usually work is i let the terror be inside of me - let me be okay with all the terror and panic and once I am done freaking out - I will be okay. Its just the way I work and I told J exactly that and he did a typical boy thing and didnt listen to what I was saying. It irritates the hell out of me. He went on about how telling his mum would be great and all that, I partly agree, since my mum is nowhere close I would be good to have a mother figure - but I need time. And he doesnt seem to get it. I know why that is - he is 37 and was waiting for this to happen. I am 27 and dealing with this as a 27 yr old would. He is so excited and all he talks about is the child and what we have to do....

As I said, I am in the terror mode.

So, today we tell his parents. Which is whatever, I dont really care about the details right now. I am sick from wanting to puke and tired cause I cant seem to get enough sleep and the last thing I want to do is argue with a lawyer. Whateves. He wants to tell his parents go ahead be my guest - I know that in a matter to few weeks I will be okay.


Really being married to a lawyer is sometimes exhausting. You will never win an arguement and the opposing side will always make sense to you as it will be logically presented to you. After which, you will wonder what you were arguing about anyways.

So I met JC....
He seems like a nice guy. Very relaxed and very genuine. I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of ppl so we will see if this one works.
Good for my co-worker!


In other news, my bowl of strawberries disappointed me. Yes, strawberries in November should have been my first clue but I wasnt.
I took them out of the fridge this morning put them in my bag and took the bag with me.
I walking to the bus stop all the while thinking "I am going to eat you strawberries".
I got on to the bus and found a seat.
I peeked into my bag - looked at them - all red, juicy and waiting to be eaten.
I told them - "Just wait till I get to the office! Just wait".
My stop came and got out and started walking towards the office building and into the elevator to the 20th floor. Strawberries still waiting...and the thought of eating them bringing joy in my otherwise dull life.
I got into the office - threw my stuff on the chair and retrived the bag of strawberries.
Took them to the kitchen, washed them with care and then realized....some of them were squishy and brown and not entirely edible.

Damn stupid strawberries!

So, I get to meet my co-worker's husband (JC) that came from Mexico.

There is a whole back story that I am afriad of posting as there were problems with coming through the airport and immigration. Oh well, he didnt lie - told immigration Canada that he was in jail for smuggling pot into the States, completed his sentence and that now he has given his life to Christ and is dedicated to help others not kill themselves w/ drugs and so on.

After 2 hours of interrogation immigration Canada let him in. My co-worker and JC are now married. And I get to meet him today. This will be nice as I have heard about this guy for 3 months and now I can see him.

I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. But lets hope this is a one legged problem and there is no other shoe.

I am bored I should go home and sleep.

ooops!

Apologies, I have been busy sleeping or hanging out eating cupcakes.

Really, this long weekend i didnt do anything special - just slept, ate and cleaned the house a bit.

I ended up going to the Diwali puja at the temple. Which was okay. It was a small affair - J's parents, his sis and the two of us. His sis's bf was supposed to join us but was called into work. So we went to the temple then came home to wait for him to go out to dinner. He calls at about 7 saying he will be on his way, then at around 8.30 calls again saying he was waiting for us to figure out where we were eating so that he could meet us there!

He eventually showed up by which time R (sis-in-law) was pissed off.

We ate at 9.30, by which time I wasnt even hungry. All of that was fine but he never even apologized for making us wait for so long. He has done that before, showed up late. But this was like waiting for him for 3 hours to eat and no sorry. I like him a lot but there seems to be something wrong with him. I dont know I always get the feeling that there is something he is not telling.

We also had dinner with the two of them R and her bf (whose name also starts with R, I will call him Rick) on Sunday. Anyways, R was talking about babies and diamond rings, obviously wanting to get there. I think from what I can gather, is that Rick is ready to go down that path but not right now and seemed so uncomfortable when R mentioned the rings and babies. My head was going "Ekkkk, stop talking about this as your bf clearly doesnt seem to be comfortable with this conversation". Anyways, ever since I first met Rick, I have had this feeling and everytime I spend more time with him, it seems to get stronger and stronger....

I like him but I dont know. Anyways, I hope everything works between the two of them and that I am just paranoid.

Italy - Part 5

Venice!

Okay, Venice was the last stop in Italy. We were there only for 2 nights mainly because the hotels were super expensive. Like 480 euros for 2 nights expensive.

That was mainly because we stayed in San Marco instead of staying the mainland. Now that was partially b/c it was going to be the last stop and b/c we didnt want to take the Vaporatti back and forth each day.

In the end, it all worked out. So we got to Venice by train from Florence. We had to double back to Florence from Lucca - which was not the end of the world as the train ride was fun. Anyhoo, got to Venice by train and took the vaporatti to San Marco. Our hotel was nutty and super cool (well, it had better be given the price!) Anyways, the hotel was decorated with Thai and Indonesian carpets and furniture and music was filtered in our room. It was fun.

So the first evening we set off on a treasure hunt to find glass bead jewellery. On the way we saw this church with exhibit on Violins and selling concert tix. As church attendance is low and Venice is trying to re-build its art scene there are classical concerts in churchs all over Venice. We got tix for the next night.

So from there we set out on foot to find glass beads. We decided to walk as taking a vaporatti would have been expensive as hell. So we walked towards the Accademia Bridge and towards the Peggy Guggenheim museum. And we found glass beads! (I forget the name of the artist, but he is pretty famous as his family has been doing this forever. We bought jewellery from his wife). I bought a necklace and earrings and bought earrings for my sister and sister-in-law. Man they were expensive. As soon was we paid for it - I had jelly legs. I couldn't walk. I got over that soon as the jewellery itself was exquisite.

After spending that much dough - we decided to get something to eat. We ran into this crazy place which had pizza but it had a really thick crust. Like about an inch and had all kinds of toppings. We looked at it and were kind of iffy...but we thought what the hell, we'll get a slice each and hope for the best. And it was delicious! I can remember where this place was, it was just a tiny place that catered to students but the food was delicious.

The next day we of course did San Marco. It is beautiful, absolutely gorgeous. Highly recommended. The church is beautiful. There is also a treasury in there - go in there. It is fascinating. After San Marco, we went to the Peggy Guggenheim museum since we thought we shd do something different than the same art. I am glad we did that. It has some amazing collections, absolutely go see them.

Our last evening in Italy we went to the classical concert that we had tickets for. It was an awesome way to end our trip. What better way to say good bye to Italy by spending an evening listening to masters of classical music?

In my experience, Venice was crazy expensive. I mean everywhere we walked we saw Prada and Gucci stores. And everything costs so much. My favourite cities have to be Florence and Naples. Both are so beautiful. So lovely and full of live and character. I will always have good memories of them.

I have to say, I am glad we did Italy. Nothing disappointed us. Italy is a beautiful country - it truly is. There is so much culture, so much history and so much pride. This trip to Italy will always be with me. The people are so nice, so understanding, so proud and so helpful. The food - well, what can I say? Whatever I say will not do justice so, well, I am not going to say anything. Coffee - I am in love with Italian Caffe Latte.

If you are thinking of going to Italy and have doubts - I would say go. Go and do your own thing. Dont take those tours, you dont need to. Go and experience Italy for what it is.

And for godsake, try food that you wouldnt normally try! Go out of the tourist centres and order something different. We took this Italian to English book for food. So reading menus was pretty easy and we got to eat some delicious food that we would never have eaten otherwise. When looking for food we always went into restaurants with no English menus and that served us well.

Oh, I love Italy!

On a serious note...

Today for the first time I want to quit my job without even looking for a new one.

Until now, I have been thinking - oh, will definately quit when I find a new job, whatever it is. Now I have hit rock bottom cause I just want to quit. I do. I dont care that I will not get paid anymore, my self esteem will be nowhere to be found, I will be miserable b/c of no pay but will be happy cause I dont have come here.

Oh God! What am I to do?

I am in a sticky situation. I need to keep my job as without it I will be completely dependant on J. I have been there before and let me tell you, its not fun. I dont ever want to be at a point where I am completely dependant on someone. So I have been avoiding that senario until today.

Now I feel I just want out whatever the cost!

I hate being here. I love my workmates but hate the prospect of answering one more damned question from my clients. I - just - hate - it.

I hate that I am getting paid as a student inspite of not being a student and pretty much holding this sinking ship afloat. Yes, that gives me a good bargaining position but the reality is I dont want to work here. So, me trying to secure a permanent position is just trapping myself in. I cant make myself do that. And, yet, I know what I have to do now - I have to go for that permanant position b/c I have looked everywhere I havent found anyone to hire me. I just cant keep hoping to get by. I need the money and if with that money comes the trap then so be it.

The only way and I mean the ONLY way all of this would be bearable is if I were pregnant. I would be happy. It would give some meaning to my miserable work life. I will justify working here b/c I will have a child to take care of. That is not happening. Granted its only been like 2 months of trying but I makes me sad.

Part of me wishes to be a housewife from when women werent expected to work. Whenever that was. I wouldnt be in this position. How awful is that?

I have even thought of going back to school but even that seems like a stupid move, cause then, not only I am not working and not getting paid but I am raking up even more student loans.


I am sorry to bring such a downer of a post but I promise I will write about Venice soon!

Work

So my co-worker, the racist or mildly racist one is talking to herself. I can hear her. There is a reason for this.

While she was in Mexico helping her step-mom runn a christian mission, she met someone. This guy who I will call JC, also works at the mission. Anyways, that was a few months ago. They met and fell in love.

JC is now coming here to be with her. She is paying for him to get his passports, get his tix and all the other neccessary things. She doesnt make much but she is doing all of this. This is why she is talking to herself. I think it is sweet. I am so happy for her. I hope everything works out well for her. She has had such a hard life.

From what I can gather, her father was abusive - she had not so good childhood. Grew up to be a stripper, did drugs, lived on the streets and then one day she found God and completely did a 180 degree turn. She is awesome at her job, volunteers all available time to the church, buys food for the homeless she runs into, gives her cell phone number to women living on the street in case they want to make a change, looks after her grandkids, and is now looking forward to being with her new man. She is one of my heroes. I think it takes a lot of courage in doing what she has done.

Is there anyone you admire?

Italy Part 4

Lucca

I dont have any pictures of Lucca without me or J in it and I am tempted to put a picture of myself but since I am trying to give myself away I hestitate. Then again, very few ppl read this blog and so I have nothing to worry about....I dont know....

Anyways, to Lucca. It is a small town in Tuscany, not very far from Florence. We took the train from Firenze to Lucca. This was one of the local super slow trains, unlike the Eurostar we had taken before. So it stopped on all stops. It took an hour and a half to get to Lucca. The train station is outside the city wall. Yes, Lucca has a city wall. The walls are more like gardens where you can walk, shop, bicycle and so on.

Getting out of the train station, we walked to the city wall and towards our B&B. It was not a very long walk.

There is very little to do in Lucca. We decided to rent bicycles and go around the city. It was so much fun! I hadnt been on a bicycle before that for like 9 years or so. So the first time I got on it - I was wobbling all over. J was like a pro, I was hesitant but did okay I think. We spent most of the time either doing this or washing our laundry. We had no clothes at this point. Anyways, we found this laundromat that played really good American Rock! So it was fun.

We also shopped for a bit. I bought some Olive Oil and Jitesh bought himself a leather bag. It cost an arm and a leg like 220 euros worth of arms and legs! But he loves it and I think he deserves a little (or big) treat!

Food was okay here. We found this one place not far from the B&B and the food there was good. The next evening we went walking to find a place to eat and it was disappointing. We ordered Pizza, a salad and something else. Remember we had just got from delicious pizza eating experience from Florence and the Pizza at this place was gross. Like pre-made, frozen pizza that tasted like punishment!

Oh well.

From Lucca our next and last Italian stop was Venice.

I am super horny right now!

Better make a baby this month!