Co-worker update.

L, now has issues with JC.

So JC had borrowed L's bro's car and got into two accidents and never told anyone. L's bro found out about the accidents when insurance called and asked him to pay $4000...

He called L and L just lost it. She told her bro to take regular money off of JC's paycheque. (Oh in case I didnt mention this before, JC is working for L's bro and gets paid by him.) In any case, JC was pissed off with this arrangement and told L to keep off his money. JC basically insinuated that L was taking his money and being controlling when it came to finances.

L is pissed off. She mentioned that JC has in the past made similar comments as if, L takes his paycheque and doesn't give him enough money and stuff like that.

You have to know that JC does not make that much cash. L makes the majority of the income in the family. L also pays for JC's ipods, cell phones (3 brand new so far), medical expenses, bus passes, his food and everything else. She said she herself doesnt have money somedays but makes sure that JC has spending money with him. L is also preparing for JC's sponsorship papers and was going to pay for the immigration. JC hasnt paid a single penny for anything. When he was in Mexico, L paid for his passport, his tix, his hotel bills and food. So basically, she is his bank. Anyways, she is beyond pissed at this point...

She has now let JC know that he needs to pay for this own stuff. So all his medical bills, his bus pass, his immigration and all his food expenses he needs to pay for. She also told him that he needs to pay her bro for the car damage and if JC wishes to carry a cell phone, he needs to get it himself.

JC is apparently quite depressed by all this. He has apologized numerous times to L and she is not taking no for an answer. She has also told him that needs to learn english to make sure he gets a good job.

So all in all, its quite messy and L is actually wondering if this keeps getting worse should she ask JC to just leave. She doesnt want to pay JC to immigrate here but still loves him.


We will see what happens...

The other co-worker who was sick, G, has had numerous medical appointments but is waiting for a diagnosis. So I will update when I know more.

I feel down - pregnancy oh the joy!

I am kind of, just kind of, depressed.

I dont know why. I woke up with the blues. I think partially its cause I have to wait for little jubs to be born. I mean, there is not much I can do between now and then, except wait.

I would like to take a trip to Victoria, which is on the island, but really I cant afford it and J doesnt have the time.

So I have to be home bound.

I am also starting to get annoyed by anything and everything my mil does. Not b/c she does outrageous things but b/c that is me. I do this from time to time. I shut myself off. Which I guess is fine sometimes. Right now, I dont know....

What would really do me good is a nice holiday to somewhere sunny. I cant do that and thats irritating the hell out of me.

I would also like a drink. Like with alcohol. Seems like forever since I had a drink and really a nice beer would help. But again cant do that (or I could but it really doesnt seem like worth the risk)

I also saw my midwife yesterday and she mentioned I am borderline diabetic. Like I passed the blood test but just. Like literally, you fail the test if the score is 6.7, I was 6.6.

That is what is bringing me way down. I mean, I am vegetarian - so already my choice of foods are limited. Then to hear this is devastating b/c now I have to eat brown foods. Like brown rice and brown bread and so on. Yea its all healthy but honestly, I freaking hate brown rice. If there is one thing I detest its brown rice. It tastes like bird food. I feel like a bird when I am eating super healthy. Not only am I eating vegetables and fruits (which I do love), I am also eating freaking grainy bread and brown rice. Its the brown rice that is going to break my back. Everything else I can deal with. The grainy bread, though not my favourite, I can deal with.

So I think I am going to continue eating regular rice and fuck the brown rice.

What also gets me down is I normally eat pretty healthy. Yes, I do have slip-ups (and recently there have been more "slip-ups" than I care to remember) but most of the times, I eat healthy. What the high glucose tells me is that despite this eating regiment, my body is not processing sugar very well. That is bad news. I know its the pregnancy that is doing this, as I am pretty vigilant when it comes to blood sugar. I used to get it checked every once a year and I know I am at risk (b/c of being Indian) and know whats in store.

Its just that being pregnant is hard enough without all the dietary restrictions and whatnot.

Besides all of this, the weight gain is starting to hurt. Like literally. I cant walk as much or as fast and that is another downer. I have put on 30 pounds up till now. That seems like more than enough for me. Not b/c I want to look hot, which would be nice but not the point, but b/c my feet are in constant pain. I know its the weight gain as I have eliminated every other suspect.

Okay, I could go on, but you get the picture. I will get through this but I think today is complete write-off. I am going to go, sulk....

My rant

Ok, i have to rant about this. My apologies in advance.

What is the freaking deal with freaking hallmark days? Really?

Am I missing something or am I just plain weird who doesnt get it?

You have Valentine's day, freaking mothers and fathers day. They are NOT holidays. Why am I forced to "celebrate" them? Why?

I hate celebrating anything hallmark tells me I should celebrate. I dont need some card company to tell me when exactly I should spend money for my sweetie. I dont want stupid card company to tell me that I have one day, only one day to love my mum or dad. Why cant I love them whenever and why does loving them, anyone of them, have to cost money. Last I checked you didnt need money to love someone.

I hate that a card company makes up these rules and world goes around following them. I mean I dont know other parts of the world but Canada goes ga-ga over Valentine's day or Mothers day.

Its sooooo stupid and irritating. Moreover, its completely discriminatory to ppl who dont have someone to love or are not mothers or dont have a mother or father. Does no one see this?

Of course, this also comes from the fact that my mother in law, absolutely insists on having her day celebrated. Like she calls ppl up a week before to remind them that mothers day is coming and we'd better do something. When we dont make a big fuss about it - like take her to a really expensive restaurant she throws a hissy fit. What I hate more is that from now on, she will make an extra big deal about this and will force me to be a part of this idiotic routine. I hate these "days". I actually there is something morally wrong in celebrating your status in the world which excludes other members...but I know that from now on, every mothers day will have to be extra special. I feel like slapping her at times like this.

Anyhoo, this is my rant. I am sorry if you feel otherwise....

Piss off

I just got a forward from L, sent by one of the directors.

In it are various things one of which is "(Viki's) potentially leaving after mat leave" - this completely pisses me off. I mean I have never said anything about leaving. Why am I leaving? I hate that I am being forced to leave b/c someone is too juvenile to get along with me.

Whats more, is that according to employment standards act, they have to keep my job open when I get back. So them saying something like this is not only offensive its also illegal.

I feel like screaming for working with this bunch of fools.

Seriously. The professionals I work with - are not that smart we all assume them to be.

Co-worker and other things

So G who has been deathly ill is diagnosed with ITP. Click on ITP to read more....


Anyhoo, maybe I have seen too many House (which is totally fantastic BTW) but it sounds like something you would get diagnosed with when there is nothing else to explain it.

Anyhoo, it doesnt sound too serious but doesnt sound too good either.

I have told G time and again to take her computer home and work from there that would at least give her some rest.

She wont do it. So whatever.

Now, to the other co-worker. L, is back and pretty much the same. Her husband JC is suffering from some sort of dental problem. He had to go to the dentist and get his tooth pulled out, after which he got an infection and he is on tylenol 3s.

But other than that things seem fine.

L, also mentioned that when they got to Mexico - like the second day there - JC almost died.

They were in Tijuana and had dinner and L was looking out of the patio when she saw JC laying on the floor. She went near him and saw that he was turning blue. She hit him on the chest a few times and called for the paramedics. He was taken to the hospital and kept there for a few days. He apparently had an allergic reaction to fish he had for dinner. That would suck and would totally freak me out.

Anyways, he was okay and doctors told him no more fish. The consequence of this was that they could not go see JC's family. Which kind of seems like a sweet coincidence to me. I am not saying that JC was faking dying but it did work out in his favour....

Who knows.

Also in other random things slipping in my mind, I totally want to blog about my sis-in-law's bf but cant. I mean, I love my sis-in-law and do like R (the bf) but sometimes he does things that make me suspicious. Like "dude whats going on?" not the other bad kind of suspicion. Just that somethings just dont make sense. I have talked to G about this and she agrees its a bit weird. I cant blog, just in case someone I know reads this lame blog and I will totally be in hot water.

But just an fyi - there is something weird about R and I dont know what and I want to know what it is but cant.

Okay I think I am done my rants.

Totally unhealthy but delicious

Take some desiccated coconut and cup of condensed milk - the sweet kind.

Mix the coconut with the condensed milk until it forms a ball.

Make them into bite size balls and put in the fridge.

EAT.

It is so unhealthy and so good its not even funny. Its like totally unfair how delicious that tastes.

Damn I feel like eating a billion of those.

I am getting bigger by the second. Its a bit odd to see yourself when you are pregnant....

I mean, in normal circumstances you would do whatever to stop the accumulating fat. But in this case, you are supposed to keep it up.

Seriously, I am stupidly big and at a point where my belly is always in the way. Even sitting on the couch is a bit of a problem. Forget sleeping. Ever way I turn, my belly seems to be the first one there. And the fact that I cant sleep in the belly itself is more problematic.

I have also started to sleep without any covers. So I am buck naked, with a giant protruding belly and no covers as I freaking hot all the time. Its not like its 20 degrees here. Last night and the day before, it was pouring rain. So its quite cool. But I think the hormones are making me super sensitive to temperature. So if its even a little hot - I am boiling.

Its absurd. And to think that I still have a good 2 months to go. Wow!

We will see what happens. Actually, in a weird way this all quite funny.

More Co-worker

So my other co-worker, L, the one who married a mexican and whatnot is back.

Apparently, immigration Canada only wants to make the lives of Asians hell cause a guy who was in US federal prison crossed to border with no questions asked.

Yes, both of them made it together and without hitches.

He did almost die when he was in Mexico. He ate some fish and got an allergic reaction and was almost blue by the time the paramedics were called. This meant that L meeting JC's family never happened. They spent a few days in the hospital instead.

After which, they attended L's daughter's wedding and came back.

So all in all it worked out. L is now in the process of sponsoring JC and filling out Immigration forms. Remember I told you that JC is still married and L's marriage is therefore null. Apparently, L is choosing to ignore that tiny bit of information and go on with the sponsorship. Also she wants yours truly to look at that papers!

Yea, she was like - oh you have done this before, you should look at the papers. I didnt say anything as really I do not want to be part of this scheme at all. I have decided that when she is done, if she is done, filling the forms I will simply say - sorry I cant advise you on this - given the complexity and she should get a lawyer to go over the forms.

We will see what happens.

Sick Co-worker.

My co-worker, G, is like super sick. It started last Thursday, she was coughing like no tomorrow. Her eyes were watering and she looked like death.

I kept telling her go home. As in, go home - you look like hell and I am sure that feels like hell. She kept saying she was getting a ride home (she usually comes by train). Anyways, I got a call from her right now saying that she was taking the week off as her doctor had advised it. She also mentioned, in passing, that she was having nosebleeds and rectal bleeding and her platelet count was low. Her doctor had taken her off all medication and put her on super powerful steroid and that she was hoping to see a hematologist.

Ok, bleeding, low-platelet count and hematologist - all of this sounds pretty damn serious to me. Like I would not bother about work and just sleep.

She was talking about coming to work on Friday as she had things to do. Yes, while she is bleeding out, she is worried about events that need to go on.

Now there is difference between being loyal and getting work done and being just plain stupid. Unfortunately G is plain stupid. She gives herself and her work way too much importance. More than she has ever been given. I feel like telling her this upfront. Of course, I wont. But really when your body is clearly giving to warning signs, you take them and you do stop.

I do hope she will be alright.

In other random work related news, I finally sent my bosses an email outlining when I am taking my vacation and what date I start my mat leave. G, gave her 3.5 months of notice and this started a panic. They are now in the process of hiring a new ED asap. Bad Idea, me thinks. I mean, hire someone, just not in a panic and not b/c they have to. I also blame G, for this as there was no need for her to give notice this far in advance.

Partially I think they are going to make my last few months before mat leave hell. Just b/c they can. Whatever, I am so over this that I literally cannot wait until I am officially on mat leave. I will get bored at home but it will be better than being here. Anything will be better than being here right now.

Thats about all.

What I remember when I think of home -

The taste of tamarind in my mouth

Stickiness of mangoes

The gritty feeling of mud in my mouth

The heat

The welcome relief of monsoon rains

The smell of sweat when walking in the crowd

The smell of food, perfuming the air

The constant honking of cars passing by

Squealing children

The feeling of being home

The sweat drops on my skin

The way the hair sticks to the back of the neck and the cool feeling when there is a slight breeze

The way my nails are always black by the end of the day

Walking with my sister in the evening, cracking silly jokes, knowing I will have to leave her again, knowing that I wont see her for a few years and pretending at the same time I dont have to go.

Identities

Someone sent me this - I am posting it here - its beautiful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why I Left Israel, and Why I'm Going Home
By SHARI MOTRO
May 8, 2008; Page A13

Today Israel turns 60. When I was growing up in Herzilya, people celebrated Israel's Independence Day by shooting each other with toy guns that covered the victim with fluorescent string. Later, when I was studying Arabic in Jordan, Palestinians I knew mourned the 1948 war as the Nakba (Arabic for "catastrophe").

Now I live in Virginia, where Israel's birthday is invisible, and this year I mark it by packing. I'm preparing to move back for my sabbatical, preparing to embrace the double life I've been trying to deny since I dodged the draft into the Israeli army 18 years ago.

"Are you excited?" I get asked at least once a week. No, I say, I'm just going home.

I'm going home, and I'm scared. I'm scared not because of Iran's nuclear capability or Hezbollah's Katyushas or Hamas's suicide bombs. These threats are real, but they feel abstract. I'm scared because I'm not sure I can resist absorbing their reverberations, the pent-up aggression that flows like a river through so many daily interactions; the constant noise, the sense that life is a zero-sum game, that the planet is too small for both of us, that your gain is my loss, that listening to your story will erase my own.

When we studied Zionism in high school, I asked my history teacher why Jews have a historical "right" to the land. I could understand saying we had a "connection," but what do we mean when we speak of a "right"? What does that say about the rights of the people who were here before us?

"If you ask such a question," he said, "you shouldn't be here."

So I left.

I left because I wanted to think my own thoughts, to read Socrates and Rousseau and Kierkegaard and ask the "real" questions of existence. I left and I built another life, not as a Jew, not as an Israeli, but as a human being. I left, and (even after returning briefly to Israel after college to complete my military service) I embraced what I imagined America could give me – an identity that was all about the future, all about possibility.

Being American, I imagined, meant that it didn't matter what I came from: that I could shed my grandparents' traumas and my parents' generation's sins; that I could claim America's light without seeing its darkness; that I could take its freedom without its slavery and its Indians.

I was wrong. Slavery is part of my American self just as the Nakba is part of my Israeli self. America has taught me that these truths coexist, and that I can't be a full human being without acknowledging and honoring what I come from. So I'm going home.

I'm going home not because I have a "right" to a home. Lots of people come from nowhere in particular, perhaps from a suburb their family left when they were teenagers, people with free-floating identities I can't ever understand. I'm going home because I happen to have one.

I am blessed to have a home that still exists, a home with parents and sisters whom I love more than I've let them know. I miss them. I miss my family and I miss my childhood friends. I miss the dust and the sun, the warm salty Mediterranean, watermelon with Bulgarian cheese, droopy Eucalyptus branches and their brittle leaves crackling underfoot.

I miss Hebrew – rough, jagged, unforgiving Hebrew. When I hear it, an invisible film between me and the world dissolves. I come from a place – from streets I remember when they were still unpaved, from the house where I lost my first tooth, from the beachside terrace where my grandmother taught me how to tell time, from the cemetery where we buried her.

I didn't choose these places, and I didn't expel anybody. But that doesn't change the fact that my joy is someone else's pain. My home is someone else's home, a home they can't return to, because of me. I can't reconcile this, but running from it doesn't reconcile it either.

One of the Palestinian women I knew in Jordan believed that the Quran predicts the Jewish State will be destroyed and the Palestinians restored to their land. When I told her that in addition to being American I was also Israeli, and that I had served in the army, she was shocked. She liked me, and it took her a few moments to absorb that I could be this terrible thing.

I assured her that I enlisted after dodging the draft only so I could see my family, and that I had no intention of living in Israel again. She thought about it, and finally said something I didn't fully understand until now, 10 years later. I'm so sad for you, she said, to have to live so far from your family.

She could feel both things at the same time: She could pray for Israel's destruction and also hope that I might find a way home.

I feel awful. I barely slept all night.

I wish I could talk to someone, anyone who can understand.

J is completely pissed off at me for saying I didnt want a big shabang for the godh bharai (indian baby shower). He said that I have been super negative about this whole baby thing. Everything I have said and done so far has been negative - he said. I agree. I wanted a small ceremony and then a big thing when the baby was born. I said that but that has fallen off the way side.

It is true I was negative. I didnt mean it to be but it I came off as negative. My intention has been opposite. I wanted to make him feel included but apparently did the opposite. He mentioned things like me being a vegetarian and how I chose not to eat meat while I am pregnant and I didnt even know this was supposed to be a discussion topic. When we first found out about the pregnancy I was freaking out about the whole delivery thing. I mentioned to the midwife that I wanted an epidural cause I was freaked out. Over time I had a chance to read things, calm down and I changed my mind. I told this to the midwife - and Jitesh was pissed off for me doing that.

I didnt mean to leave him out - I didnt know this was such a big deal. He was the one who was pissed off for me choosing to take medication and when I changed my mind, I thought that is what he wanted. Apparently not.

He has been excited about the baby. I have been too. But I worry over things. I worry over every little minute thing and whenever I say anything, I come off as negative. He wanted to buy furniture for the baby and I said we should wait, he said he wanted to know the sex of the baby I said I didnt but he could if he wanted to, he wanted a changing table, I pointed out we have no place for it. Things like that. You can see how everything I said - must have been crushing and negative. Yet, that was not my intention.

I have said all of this to him. But I dont know what to do anymore. He said he doesnt care about me or the baby. I am fine about him not caring about me (I kind of deserve that) - but the baby?

I really am at loss as to what to say and what to do. I registered online he hasnt even seen what is on the registry - he hasnt picked anything for the baby, he rarely if ever talks to the baby. I get he is angry and I get that is my fault but I just wish he wouldnt take it out on an unborn child. I feel so alone right now. I literally have no one to talk to, I have no one to turn to. If my parents were in the same continent at least I would be able to go over there. I have no one.

I have hurt the one person I didnt want to hurt. All I wanted was to keep him included and be happy. This pregnancy has been nothing but worrisome. I talked to my mil. I apologized for being negative and bitchy about this event. She was good. She understood why I wanted certain ppl not to be there. I just wish I could take all this back and do things all over again. But I cant.

I really dont know what to do.

Why do I screw up every single time? I am tired of screwing up. I dont want to anymore. I just want to be happy for once. I want J to be happy and I do nothing but bring him misery.

i want to take all the hurt back, I want him to be happy and not be afraid of buying things for the baby or buying a camcorder or whatever. I never said he couldnt do that, but he pointed out that there are other things I said that came off as negative. I wasnt trying to be negative. I merely being practical. We dont have place for a changing table, I have never wanted to know the sex of the baby, but time and again, I said - J should go ahead. He wanted both of us to know. I just dont know how to correct this wrong.

Things I crave

Milk

and

Bananas

Pregnancy: things no one tells you.

I need a live-in masseuse.

Like someone who can start massaging me on demand. Anytime of the day.

In fact, I need to have an entourage that has a professional masseuse and a cook.

The whole pregnancy (and motherhood) thing is making me respect my mom at a completely different level. Seriously, pregnancy is the most uncomfortable, painful and sleep-deprived phase of a woman's life. I am always uncomfortable. Doesnt matter where or what I am doing. The only time I feel comfortable is in the swimming pool. I am at a point where I have seriously considered living in a swimming pool 24/7.

Even when I am in the pool I have to get out (let me tell you its not easy with a giant stomach) to go and pee atleast every 20 minutes.

Then there is the gas and bloating. I feel so unattractive as it is but the gas and bloating and constant runs to the washroom dont help. Nevermind having to get up and out of the couch takes a good minute.

And then there is heartburn. I feel like living on liquid tums. Just keep taking them every 10 minutes.

Pain - there is always some ache or pain. Doesnt matter what I do. Either my stomach hurts or my boobs hurt or my shoulder hurts. Freaking hell.

Not to mention the inevitable pain of labour.

And I cant sleep. I keep waking up - either to pee or just cause. Bless the baby cause it rarely wakes me up. But I am always up. Then I get out of bed, go to the washroom and come back and fall. I will then stare in the blank space ahead of me waiting for sleep to come.

Of course, during the day I am exhausted.

Seriously, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am not going to be getting that much sleep when the baby comes...

I am actually starting to panic a bit here. I mean, there is so much to do and I keep having this feeling that the baby is going to come before the due date. I just have a feeling it will be early cause it will have had enough of growing within the womb. Already, the kicks feel like its trying to kick my stomach down and get out and get on with life. God.

Anyhoo, these are things they dont tell you about pregnancy. I really do have a whole new level of respect for my momma. Man, the things she would have gone through.

Ok, now my eyes closing - I have to perk myself up and out of the sleep mode. Wish me luck.