I feel awful. I barely slept all night.

I wish I could talk to someone, anyone who can understand.

J is completely pissed off at me for saying I didnt want a big shabang for the godh bharai (indian baby shower). He said that I have been super negative about this whole baby thing. Everything I have said and done so far has been negative - he said. I agree. I wanted a small ceremony and then a big thing when the baby was born. I said that but that has fallen off the way side.

It is true I was negative. I didnt mean it to be but it I came off as negative. My intention has been opposite. I wanted to make him feel included but apparently did the opposite. He mentioned things like me being a vegetarian and how I chose not to eat meat while I am pregnant and I didnt even know this was supposed to be a discussion topic. When we first found out about the pregnancy I was freaking out about the whole delivery thing. I mentioned to the midwife that I wanted an epidural cause I was freaked out. Over time I had a chance to read things, calm down and I changed my mind. I told this to the midwife - and Jitesh was pissed off for me doing that.

I didnt mean to leave him out - I didnt know this was such a big deal. He was the one who was pissed off for me choosing to take medication and when I changed my mind, I thought that is what he wanted. Apparently not.

He has been excited about the baby. I have been too. But I worry over things. I worry over every little minute thing and whenever I say anything, I come off as negative. He wanted to buy furniture for the baby and I said we should wait, he said he wanted to know the sex of the baby I said I didnt but he could if he wanted to, he wanted a changing table, I pointed out we have no place for it. Things like that. You can see how everything I said - must have been crushing and negative. Yet, that was not my intention.

I have said all of this to him. But I dont know what to do anymore. He said he doesnt care about me or the baby. I am fine about him not caring about me (I kind of deserve that) - but the baby?

I really am at loss as to what to say and what to do. I registered online he hasnt even seen what is on the registry - he hasnt picked anything for the baby, he rarely if ever talks to the baby. I get he is angry and I get that is my fault but I just wish he wouldnt take it out on an unborn child. I feel so alone right now. I literally have no one to talk to, I have no one to turn to. If my parents were in the same continent at least I would be able to go over there. I have no one.

I have hurt the one person I didnt want to hurt. All I wanted was to keep him included and be happy. This pregnancy has been nothing but worrisome. I talked to my mil. I apologized for being negative and bitchy about this event. She was good. She understood why I wanted certain ppl not to be there. I just wish I could take all this back and do things all over again. But I cant.

I really dont know what to do.

Why do I screw up every single time? I am tired of screwing up. I dont want to anymore. I just want to be happy for once. I want J to be happy and I do nothing but bring him misery.

i want to take all the hurt back, I want him to be happy and not be afraid of buying things for the baby or buying a camcorder or whatever. I never said he couldnt do that, but he pointed out that there are other things I said that came off as negative. I wasnt trying to be negative. I merely being practical. We dont have place for a changing table, I have never wanted to know the sex of the baby, but time and again, I said - J should go ahead. He wanted both of us to know. I just dont know how to correct this wrong.