I don't understand the concept of being passive-aggressive. To me its very simple, if something irritates me - I'd like to go out and say it and maybe have an argument, hell, have a fight and cry and...its over.

I do not like seething in anger. Of marinating in hatred and fury. It seems to me that that would wrinkle me as a human. All that hatred and frustration built-up inside of you - will only kill you (most of the times literally). I truly believe it.

Now, you may say, ah this a naive girl! Life doesn't always give you those opportunities to yell and scream and get it out! Trust me I know. Having been married for 7 years and being bought up in an typical Indian household I know that. I saw my mum deal with this pent up frustration all her life. My parents did have the perfect marriage. In fact, I think it was less than mediocre. Lots of problems, resentment and so on. Anyways, I saw my mum being frustrated and angry at my dad and I saw her vocalize it every once in awhile.

Having been married and living in very close proximity with my in-laws - I too know the perils of 'opening your mouth too fast'. I have said things that bother me and this has only led to resentment. I was and still am a big believer in vocalising your problems and issues and talking things out. But no one in J's family believes in that. My MIL, especially, stores things and takes it out in moments of complete passive-aggressiveness. AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! She will say and do things that sometimes completely allude me, and then I think and think and it comes to me! Ah ha, that was a reference to 2 months ago when I said this and this.

For example, a week ago I come home from work and walk into my basement and see this box of crackers, lying around. I think that's weird, I did not leave it here. Whatever, I go back to daydreaming (which is what I do most of the time). Then it hits me! Of course, I should have known. My MIL put that box of crackers there because about 6 months ago I was jokingly complaining of the last bit of crackers that disappeared from the kitchen. I was laughing when I said, oh sure there are never any crackers for me! No harm intended and get this I never once mentioned this directly to her. She was in the room when I said this.

Now, to a normal person, if something likes this happens, you just ask what was all that about or are you serious? No, here she waited for 6 months to buy a box of crackers (the exact kind) and then instead of throwing them in my face (which again a normal person would do) she put them where I could see them. WTF?
See it bugs me and I want to scream.

Now, because if such above mentioned behaviour, I have found I have altered my behaviour as well. No, no I haven't become passive-aggressive. I just let things go. If she makes me angry - I just let it go. As much as I would like to tell it to her 'as it is' - I just breathe and let it go. To me there is no point if we cannot talk like adults and solve problems. What is the point? I will mention something and she will be completely passive and then 6 months later - BAM - she comes back with a vengeance. I don't need that and she does not need that and most of all J does not need that.

Do you think that is the best way to deal with passive-aggressive people? Are you passive-aggressive? Do you know someone who is (of course you do)? How do you deal with it?