Jennifer - No. Its neither.
Let me explain. Past few weeks I have been unduly stressed out.
My work is spiralling out of control and that has me spiralling out of control.
Add to that was my stupid anxiety of having a child.
My doctor was worried and had asked me to take time for myself, etc etc - do things that would de-stress me

Yesterday, I was on the phone with someone who we have been helping after she lost her child a year ago. Speaking to her made me realize that at no time can I guarantee anything for anyone - let alone guarantee perfect everything for my child. Just being able to have a child is a blessing. Being able to put yourself in that vulnerable position and then going through with all the uncertainties and coming out the other end - is part of what makes this journey so exciting.
Besides - whatever goes wrong, if it does, it doesn't matter. B/c regardless I will love that kid with all my heart. .

Yesterday - helped me calm down.
Sitting on that bench and seeing the slight drizzle awaken the ocean was just beautiful. I was able to just let go of all my anxiety and stress.
It helped a lot. I do feel like a new person.

What also helped was that I was able to walk to the beach after almost a month. I usually walk everywhere and sprain had me confined to my work and home. Yesterday - I walked to the beach - sat there for what seemed like ages and just let everything go. Every negative thought, every worry - melted away with the rain drops.

Really - its amazing how different I feel right now. Sometimes - I think you just need to be selfish and take some time to heal oneself.