So I really do believe in the general goodness of this world. No I am not naive - I do think that generally people are good and want to do good but someturns that life takes on them makes them a$$holes!
No I dont think I am one of those a-holes. Why, you may wonder - well its because no matter how sad and depressed I am, how generally lonely I feel, how miserable I think the universe is being to me - I am positive and do believe that others (people around me) do not need to be treated like shit. Case in point - right now.
I feel horrible and miserable. I am sad and depressed. But I really doubt anyone else knows this. Now this might be just cause they are too wrapped up in their shit to notice me - but I have been nothing but nice to J or his mum or his sister and for that matter his dog.

Today, like too many saturdays - was not my day. It started with his mum being bitchy and complaining about things that I cant bother to type in here. Then as usual, there was lawn mowing. This excruciating job had to be done and was done. Everytime I had to touch the grass with my bare hands I wanted to die. By the end of it I was covered in grass and mofo's (thanks to J). I was nice and polite all the way through. Cause I knew it wasnt me - it was the lawn that was pissing him off. Then after the football game we came home. Everything was a-ok till then.
We come in and he was fuming - for god knows what. I decided to hide upstairs - went to get my laptop and he started the when can I take days off? When can we paint the ceiling, I cant take time off b/c of you so on and so forth. Again I walked away.....
But now I feel like screaming my head off. WTF? He gives me mixed signals - and I just wish he would come out and say it. Last week he spent all his time saying he was proud of me for achieving so much in so little time and today he is like find a freaking job so I can book vacation days off.
There is only so much I can take....and I am fast approaching my limit.
While we were watching football - I was feeling like 3 years ago. I almost convinced myself to stop eating....I dont want to go down that path. Not again - but it feels like the only thing I can do.
He needs to know that right now the last thing I need to hear is - find a job. WHF do you think I have been doing for past 2 months? I have no help, nothing to work with and trust me I am doing the best I humanly can.....
maybe its not enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!