I am depressed.

I cant cry anymore. I just cant. I woke up crying at 5.30 in the morning. I went to bed with tears in my eyes. Before that, I was crying the whole evening. I cant cry.

I have too many battles to fight and none of them are winnable. And yes, I know what this is doing to jublet but I cant stop. I cant just switch it off.

I have work problems.
I have lawyer fees due to this.
With that, I have impending financial trouble.
My mil is driving me crazy with her baby shower plans.
J, wants the best for me but doesnt care about the shower.
J is worried about money and he is starting to get frustrated and it comes out in nasty ways.
My mom wont be able to come here b/c of my lack of funds.
I am going to have to move back to my inlaws due to the lack of money.
I am not going to be able to have the baby in my apmt - my haven.

I cant fight all of this. I just cant. I am not that strong. Even if I were, its not easy being pregnant.

I dont care about the shower anymore. I will dress up like a big fat pregnant chick and sit through whatever ceremony she has in mind. I just dont care. She always gets what she wants - she will get this one too.

I am going to finish this work whether it kills me. Because, I have been completely dependent on J and let me tell you - it doesnt do anything for your self-esteem. I will kill you from inside, when you know you cant earn any money. Fuck, its not even like I can take up part time job, who is going to give a part time job to a pregnant chick who cant stand too long, who looks tired all the time and is barely making it day by day?

I dont wish my troubles on anyone. It sucks being where I am.




Update - I have calmed down a bit since writing this.