I feel guilty

I feel so guilty for having these thoughts, but I have them and there is nothing I can do.

My parents are planning on coming here from India for the birth of their grandchild. I dont want them to come.

Mainly, b/c I dont have a house for them to stay in. We live in an apmt and its barely big enough for the two of us. So that is out of question. Besides even if my mom could stay there, I dont want her to - as J sometimes has weird tantrums about nothing at all and I dont want to subject her to it.

So, the only alternative is if they do come, they will stay with my in-laws in their 3 storey house. I dont want them to be there. I know my mil well enough. She is sugary sweet on the face and bitches and complains to anyone who will hear. I dont my parents there but have no alternative.

My parents are simple people. Very straight forward, no unnecessary drama and more than anything no interpersonal politics. My mil is the complete opposite. She can be very manipulative and very underhanded. I say this b/c she has done this to me and I have seen her do this to others. I dont want to put my parents in that situation.

All this would not even be a problem, if we had more space. My parents could stay with us and I could keep the tension to a minimum. God, I feel like a loser. I just hate having to depend on the one person I dont fully trust.

I think last weekend my mil called my parents and apparently kept boasting about her 3 storey house to them. Told them, come over, I have a big house, its empty, what I am going to use this big house for and on and on and on.

My parents live in a one bedroom apmt in Bombay. Its pretty standard for most families to live this way. To call them and tell them all of this is a bit insensitive. Whats more, is that the last time my in-laws were there, my parents went out of their way to make her comfortable in our house. Gave her the bedroom, took her for an all paid trip and so on. I just wish I could simply tell my mil what I really think of her w/o all the drama that would ensue.

So anyways. I feel guilty about wishing that my parents dont get the visitors visa to come here. Besides, its their hard earned money that they would spend to come all the way here and then it wouldnt even be a holiday as they would have a crying baby to take care of. They are excited to meet the baby and that is expected. I just wish for once that I could afford to bring them here and provide them with a drama-free space to stay.

I sometimes hate being myself.