The delivery - part 2

J, my sis and myself get into the car to go to the hospital. My midwife was to follow us and meet us there.

The hospital is 5 minutes away so we drive. We get there and J dropped me and my sis off. Since it was almost 12 midnight we had to enter through the emergency entrance. So my sis and myself walk in. I am trying to tell them I am having a baby (as if it wasnt obvious enough). There are two cops there with a man who obviously got into a fight. One of the cop looks at me and says "how far are your contractions". I say, just to get him off my back "Ten minutes". He says "Oh, thats too far off, you are going to be here for awhile. Maybe you should go back home". I give him look and try to get myself a chair or something. Meanwhile my sis is trying to register me. The nurse keeps saying "oh no, we need a carecard (medical card all Canadians have). I am like, "I am in pain, my husband is coming with the carecard". The nurse is arguing with my sis. I am looking around for something to lean against. J shows up and we are processed and sent through.

So now we are in the birthing suite. My midwife is there. She explains that the attending ob/gyn will be here shortly. I am having another contraction and this time there are tears rolling down my cheeks and I am screaming. I ask for Nitrous oxide (laughing gas). Man, that stuff is awesome. I know it works for some and doesnt work for others. It worked for me. I am big fan of that stuff.

Anyways, the ob/gyn comes in and I was kind of loopy by this point thanks to the laughing gas, she breaks my water and says if things dont progress they would give me the oxytocin. I was kind of hoping for the best.

After this part I remember bits and pieces but what essentially happened was that - my midwife informed me that I was dilating on my own and they would wait to see what happens. After a little while they checked me again and told me things were going fine and that I should soon be able to start pushing. Mind you when they broke my water it was around 2amish and the time when I was able to start pushing was around 4.30 in the morning. I recall people coming in the room and leaving but nothing significant. I do recall pushing my mother in law away. I think what happened was that I was starting a contraction and she was trying to hold me and I was screaming but pushing her away. Dont recall much though.

What I do recall and very clearly at that is that I asked for the epidural. Now they tell you that from the time you ask for the epi and by the time you get it - its about an hour to hour and half. The process takes that long. So I was ok. I thought I am 7 cms dilated. I know I cant take the pain so the guy should be here sometime before the pain gets worse. Not really. So the nurse informs me that they will get the process started. They were looking for the anesthesiologist. After what seemed like forever, the nurse comes back saying that he was stuck in the OR and there was no one else on that night. She says he should be out in a hour. By this time I know what that means. I am super loopy but I know this is going to go on without the epidural. So I keep sucking on the laughing gas and the other nurse says we can give her another IV pain killer till the anesthesiologist gets here. So they put the IV in and start the pain killer. This is much milder form of pain killer. What I remember after that is me screaming off and on. I remember the nurse, my midwife and J telling me various things like to push, to breathe and to drink some more gatorade. I remember the feeling of being in pain but not the pain. Just the feeling of absolute white pain. At around 5.58 am I remember my midwife telling me he is out. I remember seeing the clock and then seeing a crying little baby on me!

It was the most incredible feeling ever. I dont think I can describe it. It was tears and joy and pain and everything. And he was so tiny. I remember thinking that he was a complete human being just tiny. Its just incredible.

The delivery - part 1

So I have wanted to write about this for awhile.

The delivery. The thing I dreaded the most. The moment I was convinced I was going to die.

Well, it was not that bad.

I have to say though I would not have been able to do it without J, my midwife and a very awesome nurse.

K was due July 19th. So on the 14th, I saw my midwife and I was like, I am so ready to give birth. You see by the last week of my pregnancy I was so full of fluid and so tired, and achy and sore that I just wanted the baby out. My midwife told me the usual things to go into labour. I was walking like crazy and going up and down the stairs and eating spicy foods. Anything to get things going. I started having contractions on the 14th. Just random no real rhythm just painful and uncomfortable. My back also started to hurt. I was ok, no biggie I can do this. Well that went on for 5 days. I couldnt sleep because of the contractions and I was not comfortable at all. My contractions never got to the 4 or 5 minutes apart. But I had contractions for 5 days. On Saturday, things got worse....

J was still trying to finish off his work so he was at home working. I was with my mum, my sis and J's grandma at my in-laws place and my in-laws were out for the day. Well what do you know, I had to "go into labour" then. So here I am, the only one who can drive a car, 30 minutes from the hospital. So I am trying my mother-in-laws cell trying to get in touch with her as she was not far away but busy at the temple. She was not answering her phone. Meanwhile I am having contractions lasting about 3 minutes long every 10 to 15 minutes. At some point, J shows up. He is like "I just finished work, I can start my pat leave now" I am like good, cause it seems like the baby is coming...now.

His parents show up and me, J, my sis and my mom take off. We decide to go back to our place and ride the pain as much as we can to make sure its not false labour and make sure the hospital doesnt send us back. So we are at home. J had barely slept the night before and he was tired as hell. My sis and my mom are just waiting... My contractions kept getting longer and longer but were still erratic. By this time I was screaming in pain with every contraction. I only live a 5 minute drive from the hospital so we decided to keep going as much as we could at home. My screams were getting louder and I was getting to a point were I need some drugs. So this is around 8 in the evening. J was scarfing down some left over lamb chops and potatoes. My sis and my mum were looking more and more terrified as things kept going. After some bleeding we decide to call the midwife. She comes over and examines me. She lets us know that we are having a "dysfunctional labour". What she meant was that the contractions were not coming close enough but were getting longer and longer. She said that we should think about inducing as this could go on for days and that I would keep getting more and more tired. The baby was doing fine so she wasnt too worried about him but she did say the eventually it would affect the baby as well. Keep in mind I hadnt slept for 5 days and was getting physically tired of the contractions.

So we decide to go to the hospital and induce.

J got his surgery done for the deviated septum. I went to visit him in the hospital and felt bad for him. His nose was bleeding very bad, which is normal but still.

Anyways he has to spend the night at the hospital, I cant stay with him cause K needs me. But I get to pick him up early in the morning tomorrow.

I have been thinking more and more of calling the postpartum society...I will. I finally got to putting their number on my cell. Its hard but I have to do it. I have to if I want to get out of my head. My head is driving me crazy. I do go to the regular mom and baby meetings at the community centre and even have set up a weekly walk with one of the other moms I met at the community centre. The one hour walk goes a long way. It was nice to know someone else felt the same way as I did. I think its so hard being the person who carries the baby and a fulltime caregiver. Whereas your partner - just has to deal with the non-physical aspects of being a parent. I am still recovering from my delivery, even though its been like 4 months. J will never know what that is like. He doesnt have to - its not part of his world. He can empathize and understand but he will never really know. Its so one sided.

Hiding

I am hiding from J. Who had a major tantrum cause he doesnt have anything to wear and has to work.

My fault. Not his.

I find myself unable to cope. I keep thinking I should call the postpartum clinic. But I cant. I dont know what to do.

I fear J will think I am a loser and worse, I am overreacting. Nothing is wrong with me. I am looking for some attention. Maybe his parents will think I am not a good mother. Maybe someone I know will think - judge me.

Whatever. I know none of the reasons above justify not calling them. But I am not sure. Maybe I am overreacting. I have been known to do that. Maybe I need to be stronger. Maybe nothing is wrong.

Its just so hard to tell. I fear most of what J will think. I already thinks I didnt want a child. Not true. I have said its wasnt that. I feared the childbirth. I dont think he believes me.

I just wish I could happy pills or something and be done with it. Or maybe get counselling without anyone knowing. How do you do that?

Baby and movie

I have been trying to watch "The double life of Veronique" for awhile now. Everytime I turn on the dvd, K wakes up screaming.

He hates that movie.

Its funny, he will sleep through any food network program, the pressure cooker going off, me doing dishes...but not the movie.

I dont know what it is...

So far I have seen about half an hour of the movie - with two interruptions...

I am almost afraid to turn the movie on cause I know he will wake up...

Wish me luck!

Right now I am all alone at home, was watching a movie...and now listening to K cry....

Hmm, must go tend to him...

Ok, yea, so motherhood is definitely the hardest thing I have done and am enjoying it a lot....

Its weird how everything becomes about the baby and you kind of dont care about that...

ok, he is crying again....

I am re-thinking this pacifier thing...thing is now, he kind of needs it to sleep...not a good thing.

Anyhoo, yea its weird how babies become the centre of your world and you dont seem to mind that much.

He is a handful though, already has a personality at 3 months old! Its cute.

In many ways I cant wait for him to grow up and many ways I dont want him to grow up.

Weird.