Happy Holidays

I meant to wish everyone Happy holidays, merry Christmas, Happy new year and all that but life got in the way.

Actually freaking snow got in the way. It snowed so much last week that we have been bundled up at home!

This year, actually, I dont really care for christmas or new years. Esp. New years as its just a fake thing to celebrate anyways. I feel out of it. I dont really much care for the festivities this year. All I care about is my baby. Damn the whole world.

This is surprising as I love christmas and I love prezzies (who doesnt?), I love the tree and the everything else. New years was never my favourite so whatever but usually I am mildly excited for it. This oh no. I couldnt care less.

Partially, its J and his tantrums. He keeps having them and I keep telling him I am reaching my limit. I think he gets it as he tries. He really does. And he has actually been nice to me like asking me if he can do anything, helping me in the kitchen and stuff like that. The other part of this is actually more deeper. Unlike other years, I am actually at a standstill in my career. I can change jobs or go back to school and both of these are causing me anxiety. Add to that the thought of leaving K in daycare or wherever and I have panic attacks.

At the same time, its exciting.

But I get older, I realize that I dont want to do a few things in my life that I thought I'd be game for -

I dont want to climb the steep hill. Meaning I dont want a job where I am constantly having to prove my worth.
I actually am happy being a secretary or a clerk in some office as long as the work doesn't come home with me.
I have actually realized that I have no ambition at all. All I want is to be a good mom and everything else can go to hell. I would be prefectly happy at home cooking and cleaning. That of course is not a long time solution.

I want something that is flexible enough so that I can take care of K. I dont care what I do just as long as I can be there for him.

Nothing else matters to me.

I dont want a fancy house, I dont want fine cars or jewelry or anything.

Yea, I know its my hormones talking but I also know that I want to take a back seat wherever I work.

Lets see what happens...