Happy Holidays

I meant to wish everyone Happy holidays, merry Christmas, Happy new year and all that but life got in the way.

Actually freaking snow got in the way. It snowed so much last week that we have been bundled up at home!

This year, actually, I dont really care for christmas or new years. Esp. New years as its just a fake thing to celebrate anyways. I feel out of it. I dont really much care for the festivities this year. All I care about is my baby. Damn the whole world.

This is surprising as I love christmas and I love prezzies (who doesnt?), I love the tree and the everything else. New years was never my favourite so whatever but usually I am mildly excited for it. This oh no. I couldnt care less.

Partially, its J and his tantrums. He keeps having them and I keep telling him I am reaching my limit. I think he gets it as he tries. He really does. And he has actually been nice to me like asking me if he can do anything, helping me in the kitchen and stuff like that. The other part of this is actually more deeper. Unlike other years, I am actually at a standstill in my career. I can change jobs or go back to school and both of these are causing me anxiety. Add to that the thought of leaving K in daycare or wherever and I have panic attacks.

At the same time, its exciting.

But I get older, I realize that I dont want to do a few things in my life that I thought I'd be game for -

I dont want to climb the steep hill. Meaning I dont want a job where I am constantly having to prove my worth.
I actually am happy being a secretary or a clerk in some office as long as the work doesn't come home with me.
I have actually realized that I have no ambition at all. All I want is to be a good mom and everything else can go to hell. I would be prefectly happy at home cooking and cleaning. That of course is not a long time solution.

I want something that is flexible enough so that I can take care of K. I dont care what I do just as long as I can be there for him.

Nothing else matters to me.

I dont want a fancy house, I dont want fine cars or jewelry or anything.

Yea, I know its my hormones talking but I also know that I want to take a back seat wherever I work.

Lets see what happens...

power shopping

I did some power shopping yesterday. Crossed off everyone except K and J on my list. K is easy. J is a bit tricky cause anything I buy he will know as it shows up on the visa bill.

Anyways, I am paying for the power shopping today I am so tired its not even funny.

Unlike before I have baby who loves attention. So there I was in the mall shopping and K was soaking in all the happiness. He then refused to eat as there was too much distraction.

So I kept going to the parents room every hour as he would eat for a few minutes and then get distracted by whoever else came in. It was tiring. Anyways, I did finish most of the shopping and K had a grand old time, smiling at grandmas and looking all cute. He also got his photo taken with Santa - which was fun.

Anyways, my legs hurt, my back hurts and all I want to do is pass out.


This holiday season makes me want to have my own place like never before. I mean the place we are at is fine. But you cant have real christmas trees or anything. Next year if we do have our own place I would really decorate it. Trees, lights and most of all lots of warmth and cheer and maybe some cookies...

drama rama

There is more drama in my life. J has gone crazy again.

He is pissed off at his parents, his mum particularly for inviting someone from work over for christmas. This someone we have never met and will prolly never meet again. So yes its awkward. Its K's first christmas and we both think it should be family only.

So fine. You cant uninvite someone and he doesnt want to go over for christmas dinner with two strangers. Ok, I agree on this too. I am fine with whatever cause a) we dont really celebrate christmas b) my family is never here for christmas so whatever c) I dont want christmas dinner with strangers.

J has gone completely off the rails and is saying all kinds of bad things about his parents. Which is fine with me except that some of has to do with them getting old. I wish he could see that and I wish he could see that his behaviour is hurting his parents. I sent him an email telling him this. I think he is going to pissed off but at the same time, I think he needs to know how I feel and if it keeps him from hurting his parents its worth it.

I have been feeling weird lately. The shootings in Bombay have given me a new perspective. My parents and my siblings live there and there is nothing worse than hearing that something so horrible is happening and you not being able to hug your loved ones. When I heard of it, I felt like someone had ripped my heart out. I knew mostly they would be fine but there is a small chance. There is always a small chance. That small chance, that feeling of what if someone you loved was in the wrong place at the wrong time - just living their life, and that feeling of wanting to take your loved ones in your arms and never letting them go but not being able to do it....

To me, nothing else matters but the people you love. No matter what they are the only one you have and they will be there when the going gets tough. And if I had the option, I would never let my parents or my siblings out of my sight, I would hold on to them tight but I cant so I do what millions around the world do - I pray for them, I call them every second I get and most of all I tell them I love them.


You should do it too.

The best thing about Christmas...

Two words for you -

Almond Roca.

So I saw huge tins of Almond Roca at London Drugs today. I was awesome. I was tempted to buy one but then realized that I would finish it all.

Not good. I will see if I can buy a small bag and eat it every once in awhile..

What is your favourite holiday candy?

Dec

I cant believe its december already. Wow.

I've had a crazy few weeks. With J's surgery and taking care of K - I've hardly had any time.

I have wanted to blog more but its so hard. Everytime I try, something or the other happens!

I am freezing right now. The guy living below me doesnt seem to turn on his heater. So I have to jack up my heater. Which is fine cause I dont pay for heating but still its annoying as hell!

Anyhoo, I am going to try to finish my delivery post and post it. Wish me luck.