6 months

I have been a mom for 6 months and I cant believe how time flies.

Really its been crazy.

And you learn so much. Just about being a mother but about yourself and about life.

And babies - they teach you so much.

Everything K does is fascinating to me. Its a wonder when he picks things up or looks at his toys and knows how to put them...

I never knew I could be this person. Perfectly happy to be with the baby. I love just love being a mom. More than anything else in my life.

I also have a new found respect for my mom. God I was so mean to her. I cant imagine how she took care of 3 kids.

Am I just being a new mom and does this glow, this joy fade in a few years...? Or does everything your kid does amaze you?

Happy Holidays

I meant to wish everyone Happy holidays, merry Christmas, Happy new year and all that but life got in the way.

Actually freaking snow got in the way. It snowed so much last week that we have been bundled up at home!

This year, actually, I dont really care for christmas or new years. Esp. New years as its just a fake thing to celebrate anyways. I feel out of it. I dont really much care for the festivities this year. All I care about is my baby. Damn the whole world.

This is surprising as I love christmas and I love prezzies (who doesnt?), I love the tree and the everything else. New years was never my favourite so whatever but usually I am mildly excited for it. This oh no. I couldnt care less.

Partially, its J and his tantrums. He keeps having them and I keep telling him I am reaching my limit. I think he gets it as he tries. He really does. And he has actually been nice to me like asking me if he can do anything, helping me in the kitchen and stuff like that. The other part of this is actually more deeper. Unlike other years, I am actually at a standstill in my career. I can change jobs or go back to school and both of these are causing me anxiety. Add to that the thought of leaving K in daycare or wherever and I have panic attacks.

At the same time, its exciting.

But I get older, I realize that I dont want to do a few things in my life that I thought I'd be game for -

I dont want to climb the steep hill. Meaning I dont want a job where I am constantly having to prove my worth.
I actually am happy being a secretary or a clerk in some office as long as the work doesn't come home with me.
I have actually realized that I have no ambition at all. All I want is to be a good mom and everything else can go to hell. I would be prefectly happy at home cooking and cleaning. That of course is not a long time solution.

I want something that is flexible enough so that I can take care of K. I dont care what I do just as long as I can be there for him.

Nothing else matters to me.

I dont want a fancy house, I dont want fine cars or jewelry or anything.

Yea, I know its my hormones talking but I also know that I want to take a back seat wherever I work.

Lets see what happens...

power shopping

I did some power shopping yesterday. Crossed off everyone except K and J on my list. K is easy. J is a bit tricky cause anything I buy he will know as it shows up on the visa bill.

Anyways, I am paying for the power shopping today I am so tired its not even funny.

Unlike before I have baby who loves attention. So there I was in the mall shopping and K was soaking in all the happiness. He then refused to eat as there was too much distraction.

So I kept going to the parents room every hour as he would eat for a few minutes and then get distracted by whoever else came in. It was tiring. Anyways, I did finish most of the shopping and K had a grand old time, smiling at grandmas and looking all cute. He also got his photo taken with Santa - which was fun.

Anyways, my legs hurt, my back hurts and all I want to do is pass out.


This holiday season makes me want to have my own place like never before. I mean the place we are at is fine. But you cant have real christmas trees or anything. Next year if we do have our own place I would really decorate it. Trees, lights and most of all lots of warmth and cheer and maybe some cookies...

drama rama

There is more drama in my life. J has gone crazy again.

He is pissed off at his parents, his mum particularly for inviting someone from work over for christmas. This someone we have never met and will prolly never meet again. So yes its awkward. Its K's first christmas and we both think it should be family only.

So fine. You cant uninvite someone and he doesnt want to go over for christmas dinner with two strangers. Ok, I agree on this too. I am fine with whatever cause a) we dont really celebrate christmas b) my family is never here for christmas so whatever c) I dont want christmas dinner with strangers.

J has gone completely off the rails and is saying all kinds of bad things about his parents. Which is fine with me except that some of has to do with them getting old. I wish he could see that and I wish he could see that his behaviour is hurting his parents. I sent him an email telling him this. I think he is going to pissed off but at the same time, I think he needs to know how I feel and if it keeps him from hurting his parents its worth it.

I have been feeling weird lately. The shootings in Bombay have given me a new perspective. My parents and my siblings live there and there is nothing worse than hearing that something so horrible is happening and you not being able to hug your loved ones. When I heard of it, I felt like someone had ripped my heart out. I knew mostly they would be fine but there is a small chance. There is always a small chance. That small chance, that feeling of what if someone you loved was in the wrong place at the wrong time - just living their life, and that feeling of wanting to take your loved ones in your arms and never letting them go but not being able to do it....

To me, nothing else matters but the people you love. No matter what they are the only one you have and they will be there when the going gets tough. And if I had the option, I would never let my parents or my siblings out of my sight, I would hold on to them tight but I cant so I do what millions around the world do - I pray for them, I call them every second I get and most of all I tell them I love them.


You should do it too.

The best thing about Christmas...

Two words for you -

Almond Roca.

So I saw huge tins of Almond Roca at London Drugs today. I was awesome. I was tempted to buy one but then realized that I would finish it all.

Not good. I will see if I can buy a small bag and eat it every once in awhile..

What is your favourite holiday candy?

Dec

I cant believe its december already. Wow.

I've had a crazy few weeks. With J's surgery and taking care of K - I've hardly had any time.

I have wanted to blog more but its so hard. Everytime I try, something or the other happens!

I am freezing right now. The guy living below me doesnt seem to turn on his heater. So I have to jack up my heater. Which is fine cause I dont pay for heating but still its annoying as hell!

Anyhoo, I am going to try to finish my delivery post and post it. Wish me luck.

The delivery - part 2

J, my sis and myself get into the car to go to the hospital. My midwife was to follow us and meet us there.

The hospital is 5 minutes away so we drive. We get there and J dropped me and my sis off. Since it was almost 12 midnight we had to enter through the emergency entrance. So my sis and myself walk in. I am trying to tell them I am having a baby (as if it wasnt obvious enough). There are two cops there with a man who obviously got into a fight. One of the cop looks at me and says "how far are your contractions". I say, just to get him off my back "Ten minutes". He says "Oh, thats too far off, you are going to be here for awhile. Maybe you should go back home". I give him look and try to get myself a chair or something. Meanwhile my sis is trying to register me. The nurse keeps saying "oh no, we need a carecard (medical card all Canadians have). I am like, "I am in pain, my husband is coming with the carecard". The nurse is arguing with my sis. I am looking around for something to lean against. J shows up and we are processed and sent through.

So now we are in the birthing suite. My midwife is there. She explains that the attending ob/gyn will be here shortly. I am having another contraction and this time there are tears rolling down my cheeks and I am screaming. I ask for Nitrous oxide (laughing gas). Man, that stuff is awesome. I know it works for some and doesnt work for others. It worked for me. I am big fan of that stuff.

Anyways, the ob/gyn comes in and I was kind of loopy by this point thanks to the laughing gas, she breaks my water and says if things dont progress they would give me the oxytocin. I was kind of hoping for the best.

After this part I remember bits and pieces but what essentially happened was that - my midwife informed me that I was dilating on my own and they would wait to see what happens. After a little while they checked me again and told me things were going fine and that I should soon be able to start pushing. Mind you when they broke my water it was around 2amish and the time when I was able to start pushing was around 4.30 in the morning. I recall people coming in the room and leaving but nothing significant. I do recall pushing my mother in law away. I think what happened was that I was starting a contraction and she was trying to hold me and I was screaming but pushing her away. Dont recall much though.

What I do recall and very clearly at that is that I asked for the epidural. Now they tell you that from the time you ask for the epi and by the time you get it - its about an hour to hour and half. The process takes that long. So I was ok. I thought I am 7 cms dilated. I know I cant take the pain so the guy should be here sometime before the pain gets worse. Not really. So the nurse informs me that they will get the process started. They were looking for the anesthesiologist. After what seemed like forever, the nurse comes back saying that he was stuck in the OR and there was no one else on that night. She says he should be out in a hour. By this time I know what that means. I am super loopy but I know this is going to go on without the epidural. So I keep sucking on the laughing gas and the other nurse says we can give her another IV pain killer till the anesthesiologist gets here. So they put the IV in and start the pain killer. This is much milder form of pain killer. What I remember after that is me screaming off and on. I remember the nurse, my midwife and J telling me various things like to push, to breathe and to drink some more gatorade. I remember the feeling of being in pain but not the pain. Just the feeling of absolute white pain. At around 5.58 am I remember my midwife telling me he is out. I remember seeing the clock and then seeing a crying little baby on me!

It was the most incredible feeling ever. I dont think I can describe it. It was tears and joy and pain and everything. And he was so tiny. I remember thinking that he was a complete human being just tiny. Its just incredible.

The delivery - part 1

So I have wanted to write about this for awhile.

The delivery. The thing I dreaded the most. The moment I was convinced I was going to die.

Well, it was not that bad.

I have to say though I would not have been able to do it without J, my midwife and a very awesome nurse.

K was due July 19th. So on the 14th, I saw my midwife and I was like, I am so ready to give birth. You see by the last week of my pregnancy I was so full of fluid and so tired, and achy and sore that I just wanted the baby out. My midwife told me the usual things to go into labour. I was walking like crazy and going up and down the stairs and eating spicy foods. Anything to get things going. I started having contractions on the 14th. Just random no real rhythm just painful and uncomfortable. My back also started to hurt. I was ok, no biggie I can do this. Well that went on for 5 days. I couldnt sleep because of the contractions and I was not comfortable at all. My contractions never got to the 4 or 5 minutes apart. But I had contractions for 5 days. On Saturday, things got worse....

J was still trying to finish off his work so he was at home working. I was with my mum, my sis and J's grandma at my in-laws place and my in-laws were out for the day. Well what do you know, I had to "go into labour" then. So here I am, the only one who can drive a car, 30 minutes from the hospital. So I am trying my mother-in-laws cell trying to get in touch with her as she was not far away but busy at the temple. She was not answering her phone. Meanwhile I am having contractions lasting about 3 minutes long every 10 to 15 minutes. At some point, J shows up. He is like "I just finished work, I can start my pat leave now" I am like good, cause it seems like the baby is coming...now.

His parents show up and me, J, my sis and my mom take off. We decide to go back to our place and ride the pain as much as we can to make sure its not false labour and make sure the hospital doesnt send us back. So we are at home. J had barely slept the night before and he was tired as hell. My sis and my mom are just waiting... My contractions kept getting longer and longer but were still erratic. By this time I was screaming in pain with every contraction. I only live a 5 minute drive from the hospital so we decided to keep going as much as we could at home. My screams were getting louder and I was getting to a point were I need some drugs. So this is around 8 in the evening. J was scarfing down some left over lamb chops and potatoes. My sis and my mum were looking more and more terrified as things kept going. After some bleeding we decide to call the midwife. She comes over and examines me. She lets us know that we are having a "dysfunctional labour". What she meant was that the contractions were not coming close enough but were getting longer and longer. She said that we should think about inducing as this could go on for days and that I would keep getting more and more tired. The baby was doing fine so she wasnt too worried about him but she did say the eventually it would affect the baby as well. Keep in mind I hadnt slept for 5 days and was getting physically tired of the contractions.

So we decide to go to the hospital and induce.

J got his surgery done for the deviated septum. I went to visit him in the hospital and felt bad for him. His nose was bleeding very bad, which is normal but still.

Anyways he has to spend the night at the hospital, I cant stay with him cause K needs me. But I get to pick him up early in the morning tomorrow.

I have been thinking more and more of calling the postpartum society...I will. I finally got to putting their number on my cell. Its hard but I have to do it. I have to if I want to get out of my head. My head is driving me crazy. I do go to the regular mom and baby meetings at the community centre and even have set up a weekly walk with one of the other moms I met at the community centre. The one hour walk goes a long way. It was nice to know someone else felt the same way as I did. I think its so hard being the person who carries the baby and a fulltime caregiver. Whereas your partner - just has to deal with the non-physical aspects of being a parent. I am still recovering from my delivery, even though its been like 4 months. J will never know what that is like. He doesnt have to - its not part of his world. He can empathize and understand but he will never really know. Its so one sided.

Hiding

I am hiding from J. Who had a major tantrum cause he doesnt have anything to wear and has to work.

My fault. Not his.

I find myself unable to cope. I keep thinking I should call the postpartum clinic. But I cant. I dont know what to do.

I fear J will think I am a loser and worse, I am overreacting. Nothing is wrong with me. I am looking for some attention. Maybe his parents will think I am not a good mother. Maybe someone I know will think - judge me.

Whatever. I know none of the reasons above justify not calling them. But I am not sure. Maybe I am overreacting. I have been known to do that. Maybe I need to be stronger. Maybe nothing is wrong.

Its just so hard to tell. I fear most of what J will think. I already thinks I didnt want a child. Not true. I have said its wasnt that. I feared the childbirth. I dont think he believes me.

I just wish I could happy pills or something and be done with it. Or maybe get counselling without anyone knowing. How do you do that?

Baby and movie

I have been trying to watch "The double life of Veronique" for awhile now. Everytime I turn on the dvd, K wakes up screaming.

He hates that movie.

Its funny, he will sleep through any food network program, the pressure cooker going off, me doing dishes...but not the movie.

I dont know what it is...

So far I have seen about half an hour of the movie - with two interruptions...

I am almost afraid to turn the movie on cause I know he will wake up...

Wish me luck!

Right now I am all alone at home, was watching a movie...and now listening to K cry....

Hmm, must go tend to him...

Ok, yea, so motherhood is definitely the hardest thing I have done and am enjoying it a lot....

Its weird how everything becomes about the baby and you kind of dont care about that...

ok, he is crying again....

I am re-thinking this pacifier thing...thing is now, he kind of needs it to sleep...not a good thing.

Anyhoo, yea its weird how babies become the centre of your world and you dont seem to mind that much.

He is a handful though, already has a personality at 3 months old! Its cute.

In many ways I cant wait for him to grow up and many ways I dont want him to grow up.

Weird.

I am super concerned about young K.

I dont think he is gaining enough weight. All the other babies I see are chubby and cuddly.

K is not that chubby as yet. He is in the 40 percentile for his weight.

I kind of blame myself as being a vegetarian I dont eat that much protein...

I am trying to eat eggs, as they have protein and are easy to make but man I hate the taste.

That and they are all googly.

Anyways, his doctor doesnt seem to be concerned but I am going to try to eat more, generally, eat more of the good things and hopefully that will help.

K-Train

As young K is known, is now in the bedroom cooing and crying at the same time.

Man, I am so exhausted all the time. Its like a non-stop entertainment centre except that I am the one who has to entertain.

And to think he is not even crawling right now.

Anyhoo, Its getting cold here and I have to say, that does not make me happy. I have been walking around the house today with a sweater on and slippers.

Speaking of slippers, K puked on J's slippers today. I washed the puke off but I dont think its completely clean.

I am thinking of not telling J about this - as he can be a bit Obsessive compulsive sometimes.

Like he goes around the house putting floor mats parallel to the door. Or arranging remotes in a line from longest to shortest and so on.

Which is fine. I noticed it a long time ago before he realized what he was doing but if I tell him about the slippers he might throw them out and the puke really wasnt that much, just a dab and that too nowhere where his foot would touch.

Hmm, will have to think on that....

Back

So J just started working again. Yes, he had 2 and half months of parental leave.

Since he doesnt know about my blog I couldnt post, besides I didnt have the time. Man, babies are a lot of work. But in a good way;o)

Its been a weird few months. I mean, I went from being pregnant to being a mom, from being full time employed to being at home...

I am enjoying this as I love spending time with my little guy, who I will call K for the purposes of this blog.

Anyways, my parents were in town and so was my sis. They left awhile ago. Its weird you know, I went from being surrounded by people to being alone (well sort of alone). I miss them terribly. I wish they were here so I could spend more time with them.

Anyways, I guess its all good.

I am hating the weather at the moment though! I know is October but its freaking raining and I cant actually go out, cause its freezing and I dont really want K to be exposed to the weather if he doesnt need to be.

He is teething! He is 3 months old (will be on Oct 20) and he is teething. I am afraid for my boobs, as once the teeth come in it will be painful! I guess I will have to switch to bottles full time.

What else?

There lots of things I could post about but I dont know what to write and what not to write, so I guess I will leave it for now.

Good to be back though!

So I am back again sort of... I will start blogging more regularly next weekish

Its amazing how fast babies grow - one day they are freaked out to be outside the womb and the next they are grabbing things with both hands....

Thanks for the good wishes!

He is cute if I say so myself.

Although I dont get much sleep these days...but its worth it.

I am listening to Oasis and not getting much sleep right now - oh well!

More when I have time

Sort of back...

Yes, I have been away.

Partially cause I had the baby!

Yes! Its a boy. A very cute one at that!

And also cause I am not at work and hence its hard for me to blog.

Anyways, I will keep updating as things happen. But not for awhile as I dont get much sleep cause the boy keeps me up all night.

Yes, I am mommy and I cant believe it at all.

Ok, I know I have been away. Mostly just lazing around.

We had to have an ultrasound yesterday to check if the baby is breach - its not.

So thats good. Now I am focussing my energies on getting the baby out. I have been telling the baby to come out.

I am also seriously thinking of loading up on spicy string beans and raspberry tea leaf - or whatever else anyone recommends to go into labour.

I am done carrying this baby. Its getting heavier by the second and I want to play with the baby and such...

Its been too long. I also thought that 9 months is too long to carry a child. 8 months would be good - since really the last month is for the baby to beef up.

Anyhoo, any ideas on what would help me go into labour?

I am super lazy.

I have now stopped working and dont feel like doing anything at all.

I laze around with my sister.

Its kind of nice as my feet are swollen to elephant proportions.

Hmm, I will bask in my laziness till I can.