drama rama

There is more drama in my life. J has gone crazy again.

He is pissed off at his parents, his mum particularly for inviting someone from work over for christmas. This someone we have never met and will prolly never meet again. So yes its awkward. Its K's first christmas and we both think it should be family only.

So fine. You cant uninvite someone and he doesnt want to go over for christmas dinner with two strangers. Ok, I agree on this too. I am fine with whatever cause a) we dont really celebrate christmas b) my family is never here for christmas so whatever c) I dont want christmas dinner with strangers.

J has gone completely off the rails and is saying all kinds of bad things about his parents. Which is fine with me except that some of has to do with them getting old. I wish he could see that and I wish he could see that his behaviour is hurting his parents. I sent him an email telling him this. I think he is going to pissed off but at the same time, I think he needs to know how I feel and if it keeps him from hurting his parents its worth it.

I have been feeling weird lately. The shootings in Bombay have given me a new perspective. My parents and my siblings live there and there is nothing worse than hearing that something so horrible is happening and you not being able to hug your loved ones. When I heard of it, I felt like someone had ripped my heart out. I knew mostly they would be fine but there is a small chance. There is always a small chance. That small chance, that feeling of what if someone you loved was in the wrong place at the wrong time - just living their life, and that feeling of wanting to take your loved ones in your arms and never letting them go but not being able to do it....

To me, nothing else matters but the people you love. No matter what they are the only one you have and they will be there when the going gets tough. And if I had the option, I would never let my parents or my siblings out of my sight, I would hold on to them tight but I cant so I do what millions around the world do - I pray for them, I call them every second I get and most of all I tell them I love them.


You should do it too.

So my sis is in town. It is interesting to see J react with her around.

Its just new for all of us and new things take time. We will see how this one goes.

In other random news, my G, is excited cause her treatment dates are lined up. Within a week after finding out she has lymphoma. Yes, within a week. Health care works. I have never heard anyone being denied treatment if they really need it. All this scare talk about ppl having to go to US to buy health care is crap. Its ppl who think they need CT scans or MRIs and travel down south and pay for it. Its stupid. If you need a CT Scan you will get it.

Anyhoo, thats my rant for now.

Things are a happening...

My parents and my sis got the visa to Canada.

They are planning a visit soon. Anyways, since the parents cannot stay in my apmt they will be with the in-laws.

I called my mil yesterday, just to chat and she mentioned a few things...

She has to buy a mattress soon. We already gave her our old mattress which is an okay mattress b/c we knew someone would visit and they havent bought a mattress for ages. So they have a huge house with 5 bedrooms and over the last 10 years they didnt invest in a spare mattress. They way she said she has to buy a mattress, it almost felt like I should buy her a new one cause its my parents who are visiting. Yea, that is not happening. She can keep dreaming. The way I see it, she already has the one that we gave her she can buy another one as I didnt force her not to buy new mattresses. Anyhoo.

She also mentioned that will need new sheets. I could be crazy paranoid but her exact words were "I am going to need some sheets" and thats it. Meaning, she would like me to give her the sheets. Again, I know my parents are using the bed, but I already gave her the mattress, I can give some sheets if she wants but last time I checked she is supposed to provide this to ppl who stay with her. Its not like they are strangers. She has stayed with my parents and actually been taken around on a all paid trip for a week. My parents dont even expect that.

She also mentioned that she is going to be cleaning her kitchen this weekend and she needs help. All fine and dandy but I have a hard time cleaning myself. Really, just taking a shower is work. I am not going to drive all the way to her place and clean for 5 hours when I have enough things to take care of myself. I am not saying she should do this by herself but for her to expect me to drop everything and clean her freaking kitchen is a bit much. I moved out for a reason.

Partially, this all is a bit too much to handle. I didnt want my parents to come here b/c I knew she would get this way. I can just see her mentioning the increasing grocery bills and gas prices when they are in town. It will all be done very casually of course. Freaking hell. She will also refuse to take money from me b/c that would be insulting her. So there is no winning for me.

In the meantime, my dad isnt helping me at all. He is sort of a diva. We get along but we also have our differences. He keeps changing his mind about visiting and not visiting. Last I heard he didnt want to visit. Before that he said he would like to visit for 2 months and before that he said he can only come for a month. I would just like to know. Either ways. I am going to call him and ask him what is plan is point blank.

Freaking parents and relatives and all.

Stuff

Ok, so my sis and my mom have their visas in hand and my dad is waiting for his. My bro doesnt want to come so he will be in India partaying it up!

Now, comes the really difficult, tricky hard part. My sis can stay with me. So thats no biggie. I dont want her with my mil as I know she will expect my sister to clean and cook and do stuff for her.

The sad, tricky thing is going to be my mum and my dad staying with the in-laws. I know for a fact that mil will pass nasty comments (but be completely passive-aggressive at the same time) on my parents and anything they do.

I wish I didnt have to keep them there. I have little choice. J's uncle's house is completely empty and actually quite close to my in-laws house. I feel like asking him if we can stay there for a month or so. I dont think he would care as much as my mil would take offense. If you recall (I have posted about this before) my mil called up my parents and went on bragging about how big a house she has and how empty it is. This is to my parents who live in an apartment in Bombay. I know if I do end up getting my parents to stay elsewhere it will be a slap in the face for mil - which I dont care about. But at the same time that is not my intention at all. I just dont want to give my mil an opportunity to say anything.

I have decided that when I can, I am going to buy them groceries. At least she cant complain about having to feed them.

All this because I dont know how my mil feels about my parents staying with her. It would be easy if she just said how she felt and if i could believe her. But she wont say anything and anything that does come out of her mouth is completely passive aggressive so I dont even know what she means half of the time.

Anyways, I will just hope for the best. I dont hate my mil - I just cant read her and I dont think she likes me all that much. Which is fine cause, that is her problem not mine. I think she feels cheated somehow. When J and myself got married she was happyish - as she never thought her son would marry someone from India. But, I am not like a typical Indian bride. I dont like going to temple, I dont think I am my husbands slave and more than anything else, I am from a big city. Which means I am not traditional enough. This is what gets to her. I think she wishes that I would be traditional - go to the temple, not call my husband by his first name, not argue with him when he is being unreasonable, be ever so polite and bend over backwards for my inlaws. I am not that person and I think it irriates her that despite me being Indian I am not her version of "Indian". No one in India does any of the things she expects from me. She is caught up in the old and India has moved on....

Anyways. So will hope for the best and go from there.

Mil had a bit of a hissy fit the other day when my sis-in-law told her that she wont be in the delivary room when I am having 30 ppl staring up my ho-ha. She fully expected to be in there. I dont want her or even my mum to be in the room. I need calm ppl to be around me so that I dont freak out. Mil is not calm and neither is my mum. So no. Anyways, R was telling her this and she was like "What do you mean I wont be in there?" I have to sit her down and tell her we are not having too many ppl in but if things go well and I feel good, I will call her in. That should take care of it. That way she doesnt feel left out and I dont have to have her in the room.

I have convince J too. He was like oh yea, have my sis, his sis, my mom in there. I was like no. I want him in there and the midwife and no one else. I know the midwife will be calm. I know that J will be okay as long as things are kind of ok. I do not need ppl freaking out on me and I dont want my sis as I dont think is there yet (birthing, pain all things associated with it).

Co-worker and other things

So G who has been deathly ill is diagnosed with ITP. Click on ITP to read more....


Anyhoo, maybe I have seen too many House (which is totally fantastic BTW) but it sounds like something you would get diagnosed with when there is nothing else to explain it.

Anyhoo, it doesnt sound too serious but doesnt sound too good either.

I have told G time and again to take her computer home and work from there that would at least give her some rest.

She wont do it. So whatever.

Now, to the other co-worker. L, is back and pretty much the same. Her husband JC is suffering from some sort of dental problem. He had to go to the dentist and get his tooth pulled out, after which he got an infection and he is on tylenol 3s.

But other than that things seem fine.

L, also mentioned that when they got to Mexico - like the second day there - JC almost died.

They were in Tijuana and had dinner and L was looking out of the patio when she saw JC laying on the floor. She went near him and saw that he was turning blue. She hit him on the chest a few times and called for the paramedics. He was taken to the hospital and kept there for a few days. He apparently had an allergic reaction to fish he had for dinner. That would suck and would totally freak me out.

Anyways, he was okay and doctors told him no more fish. The consequence of this was that they could not go see JC's family. Which kind of seems like a sweet coincidence to me. I am not saying that JC was faking dying but it did work out in his favour....

Who knows.

Also in other random things slipping in my mind, I totally want to blog about my sis-in-law's bf but cant. I mean, I love my sis-in-law and do like R (the bf) but sometimes he does things that make me suspicious. Like "dude whats going on?" not the other bad kind of suspicion. Just that somethings just dont make sense. I have talked to G about this and she agrees its a bit weird. I cant blog, just in case someone I know reads this lame blog and I will totally be in hot water.

But just an fyi - there is something weird about R and I dont know what and I want to know what it is but cant.

Okay I think I am done my rants.

I feel guilty

I feel so guilty for having these thoughts, but I have them and there is nothing I can do.

My parents are planning on coming here from India for the birth of their grandchild. I dont want them to come.

Mainly, b/c I dont have a house for them to stay in. We live in an apmt and its barely big enough for the two of us. So that is out of question. Besides even if my mom could stay there, I dont want her to - as J sometimes has weird tantrums about nothing at all and I dont want to subject her to it.

So, the only alternative is if they do come, they will stay with my in-laws in their 3 storey house. I dont want them to be there. I know my mil well enough. She is sugary sweet on the face and bitches and complains to anyone who will hear. I dont my parents there but have no alternative.

My parents are simple people. Very straight forward, no unnecessary drama and more than anything no interpersonal politics. My mil is the complete opposite. She can be very manipulative and very underhanded. I say this b/c she has done this to me and I have seen her do this to others. I dont want to put my parents in that situation.

All this would not even be a problem, if we had more space. My parents could stay with us and I could keep the tension to a minimum. God, I feel like a loser. I just hate having to depend on the one person I dont fully trust.

I think last weekend my mil called my parents and apparently kept boasting about her 3 storey house to them. Told them, come over, I have a big house, its empty, what I am going to use this big house for and on and on and on.

My parents live in a one bedroom apmt in Bombay. Its pretty standard for most families to live this way. To call them and tell them all of this is a bit insensitive. Whats more, is that the last time my in-laws were there, my parents went out of their way to make her comfortable in our house. Gave her the bedroom, took her for an all paid trip and so on. I just wish I could simply tell my mil what I really think of her w/o all the drama that would ensue.

So anyways. I feel guilty about wishing that my parents dont get the visitors visa to come here. Besides, its their hard earned money that they would spend to come all the way here and then it wouldnt even be a holiday as they would have a crying baby to take care of. They are excited to meet the baby and that is expected. I just wish for once that I could afford to bring them here and provide them with a drama-free space to stay.

I sometimes hate being myself.

I hate...

my work.

I do. I think that much is clear to anyone/everyone.

I keep getting asked to do things that I have no experience in and have no desire to do as - I dont get paid to do it.

I am now getting asked to do things that our lawyers are supposed to do. I dont get paid to do it. I should refuse but a) cant risk getting fired b) it will be good experience albeit I dont like being taken advantage of.

I cannot wait until July seriously, I want to focus of what is important and work is not important to me. My little baby is...and I dont get the time to enjoy or focus on that b/c of all the crap around me. This includes but is not limited to work. Seriously, I just wish I could be in a bubble and enjoy myself and my baby and everything around me is making me not enjoy it and it is driving me crazy.


Anyhoo, I have too many worries and not enough energy to be a full person that everyone expects me to be. I always feel like I am running on low battery due to the sheer physical and emotional drain from everything that is happening.

To add to all of this, my mil is talking to ppl in India who have called my parents asking them to talk to me re: baby shower. I dont need this.

I dont think mil gets that. I think she is so used to throwing a drama/tantrum when she doesnt get her way that she is doing so right now without thinking of what I want and what I might be going through. We have even told her our financial troubles, my job situation and all she insinuated was that I was being negative and all I needed to do was be positive and all would be well. Where the fuck did that come from? I dont know if she thinks I am making all this up (my work problems).

Anyways, I am just too tired of all this and want to leave. I want to hide in a bubble. I am actually going to avoid going over - b/c I cant take the drama and actually think that I will lose it and say something awful.

As for my work - I am going to try and take one thing at a time and hope it works and if it doesnt it doesnt and there is nothing I can do.

More mil!

So, my in-laws 40th wedding anniversary is coming up in May.

At first we had thought we would take them to Hawaii or Las Vegas to celebrate. We realized that my mil doesnt like the beach. So Hawaii was out and LV was kind of an option but with me preggers I didnt want to hang out in a smoke filled casino! So that was out.

Fine. No biggie we can do something else.

But now we know we cannot afford anything due to my work problems. No trips especially.

My sister in law (who has apparently a bunch of money) wanted to updo my in-laws house as a gift for my in-laws anniversary. She is single, she rents and now has a bf. I guess her intentions are sincere. She sent an email to all of us, me and J, my in-laws about estimate of painting the house and how much that would cost. Not actually asking us if we wanted to be a part of this. She just assumed. So now, she wants to put $2000 of her own $$$$ for painting my in-laws upper floor. My in-laws are assuming that we (me and J) will pay to updo the basement. I would love to. Really, if money wasnt the issue I would love to. But sadly, money is a big issue and besides we have a baby coming...we cannot afford to sink money into the house. I think it would be different if we were living there and doing an upgrade but we dont. Not yet anyways. Also, I do think that even if we have to move back with the in-laws we cant afford to put a $1000 into the house with me basically being unemployed for a year.

I just hate being put in this position. I dont have the moola and cant do it. My sister in law has done this kind of thing before. She can be very passive agressive and at times has simply assumed that we are going to be buying christmas gifts for the in-laws all together. Never actually saying this - just assuming it and then pretending to be all hurt we didnt involve her. This whole mess puts J in a difficult position as he has to say to his parents we dont have the money. I think it is very insensitive of my sis-in-law.

I have always thought that as some level she just doesnt get it. Whatever 'it' might be. In anycase, we will convey this to his parents, break their hearts again. I think it might have something to do with sibling rivalry. I really do. In a wierd twisted way, my sis-in-law acts if she is still a baby sometimes. I guess you are always your parent's kid but even I dont act like she does when I see my mom in 2-3 years...

That and she always plays the guilt card. She is 34 and now not yet married. Up until she found her new bf, her parents were always feeling guilty for her being single. They would and still do, to some extent, feel responsible for her marital status. I think she is well aware of that and takes advantage of it every oppurtunity she gets. Its kind of sad.

Anyhoo, I dont mean to come off bitter and evil. I do like her - its just that there are some people in the world who just dont get it....

I am depressed.

I cant cry anymore. I just cant. I woke up crying at 5.30 in the morning. I went to bed with tears in my eyes. Before that, I was crying the whole evening. I cant cry.

I have too many battles to fight and none of them are winnable. And yes, I know what this is doing to jublet but I cant stop. I cant just switch it off.

I have work problems.
I have lawyer fees due to this.
With that, I have impending financial trouble.
My mil is driving me crazy with her baby shower plans.
J, wants the best for me but doesnt care about the shower.
J is worried about money and he is starting to get frustrated and it comes out in nasty ways.
My mom wont be able to come here b/c of my lack of funds.
I am going to have to move back to my inlaws due to the lack of money.
I am not going to be able to have the baby in my apmt - my haven.

I cant fight all of this. I just cant. I am not that strong. Even if I were, its not easy being pregnant.

I dont care about the shower anymore. I will dress up like a big fat pregnant chick and sit through whatever ceremony she has in mind. I just dont care. She always gets what she wants - she will get this one too.

I am going to finish this work whether it kills me. Because, I have been completely dependent on J and let me tell you - it doesnt do anything for your self-esteem. I will kill you from inside, when you know you cant earn any money. Fuck, its not even like I can take up part time job, who is going to give a part time job to a pregnant chick who cant stand too long, who looks tired all the time and is barely making it day by day?

I dont wish my troubles on anyone. It sucks being where I am.




Update - I have calmed down a bit since writing this.

Memories

I dont know why I remembered this but I did and I am blogging about it.

Some of my favourite memories of being in India is cooking with my mom with my siblings around.

My mom used to make all three of us help her cook. At the time, there were some days when I hated cleaning bags full of coriander or fenugreek. It sucked. But now that I think of it - it wasnt so bad. Usually, it was during summer vacations when all of us were home. Sometime around noon when the sun was high and it was too hot to even look outside. We would spend the afternoon, preping vegetables so that things were ready for the next few days. Or it was a Saturday or Sunday and we were just bored.

My favourite though was this crappy electric oven that my dad got from an auction. My dad was big on auctions. He would find all kinds of junk. He found this circular electric oven the size of big pan, and you had to plug it in to make it work. In India you dont have ovens - usually.

Anyhoo, the first few months that oven was there we made all kinds of things. Tea biscuits, cookies and whatnot. I think it was during summer vacations as my sis, my bro, my mom and myself would all sit on the floor mix the ingredients and cut it into various shapes and bake things. Once these cookies or biscuits were cooked we would eat them on the spot!

It seemed so fascinating at the time. It was fun. We used make the same cookie dough and put various food colouring in it. So in essence it was the same cookie just different colours. Hours were spent on this. It was so silly.

I think the other things that I remember is my dad cooking. My dad is quite the cook. Even though he would only cook once in awhile, esp on Sundays when he was home. He would make this vegetable rice - man it was good!

I think the thing that comes back from all of these memories is how much love there was in the house. How just spending time with each other doing silly things like chopping tomatoes or putting blue colour in the cookie dough was so much fun. How all the arguments about what the next biscuit should taste like seemed so big back then and now seem like they were stupid but fun.

I guess what I am thinking is as little jublet will be born - if I can even create something like the atmosphere that I had growing up I know my kids will be okay. I remember very clearly we didnt have much growing up. Not many expensive clothes and access to the latest gadgets and so on. But we had enough of attention from our parents and tonnes of silly stories that I will always remember. If I can give even half of these to my kids I will be happy.

ooops!

Apologies, I have been busy sleeping or hanging out eating cupcakes.

Really, this long weekend i didnt do anything special - just slept, ate and cleaned the house a bit.

I ended up going to the Diwali puja at the temple. Which was okay. It was a small affair - J's parents, his sis and the two of us. His sis's bf was supposed to join us but was called into work. So we went to the temple then came home to wait for him to go out to dinner. He calls at about 7 saying he will be on his way, then at around 8.30 calls again saying he was waiting for us to figure out where we were eating so that he could meet us there!

He eventually showed up by which time R (sis-in-law) was pissed off.

We ate at 9.30, by which time I wasnt even hungry. All of that was fine but he never even apologized for making us wait for so long. He has done that before, showed up late. But this was like waiting for him for 3 hours to eat and no sorry. I like him a lot but there seems to be something wrong with him. I dont know I always get the feeling that there is something he is not telling.

We also had dinner with the two of them R and her bf (whose name also starts with R, I will call him Rick) on Sunday. Anyways, R was talking about babies and diamond rings, obviously wanting to get there. I think from what I can gather, is that Rick is ready to go down that path but not right now and seemed so uncomfortable when R mentioned the rings and babies. My head was going "Ekkkk, stop talking about this as your bf clearly doesnt seem to be comfortable with this conversation". Anyways, ever since I first met Rick, I have had this feeling and everytime I spend more time with him, it seems to get stronger and stronger....

I like him but I dont know. Anyways, I hope everything works between the two of them and that I am just paranoid.