Almost there.

So it is almost the last day here before year ends.
It seems like I will have to come in on the 28th but other than that we are almost there.

I have been waiting for today like you wont believe. I also had extra energy this morning to get out of bed. Normally, I have to kick myself out of bed - but today, it was sort of easier. I kept telling myself get up and get going and eventually I did.

Anyways, I am sort of excited to have a few days off. It will be nice to relax and just take it slow.

Of course, as I say this, I am well aware that I have yet to buy prezzies for J and get items for 24th dinner and 25th brunch party but that is easy enough, me thinks.

Okay, just finish this day and I will be okay.

i just found out that the other job opening with some other place that was a possiblity is not anymore.

Its disappointing and it feels like all the doors are slamming on my face.

Although, somehow I dont care. It doesnt matter. In the larger scheme of things its peanuts. Its like jublet within me has come along just at the right time. It almost doesnt matter where I work, if I work, if I want to work - nothing matters.

I am so happy with where I am right now that everything else is peanuts. And if the time comes when I actually might not have a job for whatever reason - I'll find something. I've always had the weirdest luck - it all works out for the best in the end and I find for me that is true more than anything else. Somehow, things fall into place and considering a lot things and taking into account all the people around me - I am lucky. It just kind of works out. Which is what will happen. So screw the world and let me focus on what I need to and want to more than anything else. Jublet! Which apparently is now the size of a cherry!

Vegetarian

The thing about being a vegetarian and being pregnant is that you get asked to eat meat for the pregnancy.

To start from the start.

I've always been a vegetarian, ever since I was a child. So its not a fashion statement for me. Its not something I just picked up. Everyone I know, knows that I have never had any meat or eggs. NEVER.

So now that I am pregnant it is hard for me to get full nutrition for my jublet and still eat without wanting to throw up. My nausea at seeing spinach doesnt help either!

So, I am trying to drink lots of soy milk, eat lots of vegetables and beans to counter the lack of meat. Also, I am not completely convinced that meat helps all that much - you can easily substitute beans or tofu for protein!

I just hate when someone tells me casually, oh eat some meat and it will be alright. No it wont. First of all, I cant eat meat cause I've never eaten it. Ever. So its not like I will simply be taking up something I stopped. I never started!

Then, telling me to eat meat, casually, makes it seem like I am a bad person for not thinking this, I am bad mother for not thinking about jublet's needs. That is not how this is going to go down! I am very well aware of what I need to eat and am trying my best, but the nausea is not helping.

And also, BTW - my mom is not here. So its not like I get things handed to me. I have make things I want to eat and sometimes, the thought of cooking something makes me sick, even though I want to eat it and know that I should be eating it. (J, tries to help but the man has to work!) So, you telling me eat meat doesn't help!

So, the gist of this rant is I am trying my freaking best without any help and I am already stressed and tired and nauseous all the time and you calling me and telling me eat meat - pushes me over the edge, especially when I am already kind of on that line anyways. Thank you very much!

(BTW - the casual suggestion was put forward, in all her well meant kindness by none other than my mil. And I would have told her all this except I cant fight over the phone and was just too tired so I said yes, she was right and hung up)

So, I am not one of those women who go all girly and super baby obsessed. I dont think there is anything wrong with being that - its just not me. In fact, I wish it was me - cause I really think society expects that from you as a pregnant woman.

Anyhoo, just thought of this today. Its weird. I am happy, in fact I am super happy - but being a very practical person - I tend not to romanticize anything. I am the person who hates buying flowers on valentines day. I dont expect J to buy me flowers everyday or take walks with me in the moonlight. I dont. I dont crave it. I'd much rather take that walk by myself. Much rather buy those flowers for myself, if I wanted. It makes an interesting marriage as J is more of an romantic. This baby stuff is wonderful but its not the end all. It doesnt define me. It makes me happy but like a lot of women I know it doesnt complete me. Its weird. I wish I didnt feel this disconnected. But I cant change that. I can enjoy where I am and who I am. I just wish I was girly and bursting to buy baby clothes.

Partly, I think it is me wanting to get through the first 3 months. I think once that is done, I will become more 'pregnant'. But until that time - I need to be practical, I think.

On a serious note...

Today for the first time I want to quit my job without even looking for a new one.

Until now, I have been thinking - oh, will definately quit when I find a new job, whatever it is. Now I have hit rock bottom cause I just want to quit. I do. I dont care that I will not get paid anymore, my self esteem will be nowhere to be found, I will be miserable b/c of no pay but will be happy cause I dont have come here.

Oh God! What am I to do?

I am in a sticky situation. I need to keep my job as without it I will be completely dependant on J. I have been there before and let me tell you, its not fun. I dont ever want to be at a point where I am completely dependant on someone. So I have been avoiding that senario until today.

Now I feel I just want out whatever the cost!

I hate being here. I love my workmates but hate the prospect of answering one more damned question from my clients. I - just - hate - it.

I hate that I am getting paid as a student inspite of not being a student and pretty much holding this sinking ship afloat. Yes, that gives me a good bargaining position but the reality is I dont want to work here. So, me trying to secure a permanent position is just trapping myself in. I cant make myself do that. And, yet, I know what I have to do now - I have to go for that permanant position b/c I have looked everywhere I havent found anyone to hire me. I just cant keep hoping to get by. I need the money and if with that money comes the trap then so be it.

The only way and I mean the ONLY way all of this would be bearable is if I were pregnant. I would be happy. It would give some meaning to my miserable work life. I will justify working here b/c I will have a child to take care of. That is not happening. Granted its only been like 2 months of trying but I makes me sad.

Part of me wishes to be a housewife from when women werent expected to work. Whenever that was. I wouldnt be in this position. How awful is that?

I have even thought of going back to school but even that seems like a stupid move, cause then, not only I am not working and not getting paid but I am raking up even more student loans.


I am sorry to bring such a downer of a post but I promise I will write about Venice soon!

200?

This is my 200th post!

Yippie.


I woke up this morning and normally I can see the clock on the wall pretty clearly - today I couldnt. I couldnt really see how late I was going to be.

See normally I set my clock for 7.16am. And I crawl out of bed at around 7.30 or sometimes, much to the panic of J, at 7.45. So when I open my eyes I see the clock and calculate how long I will be. I have never jumped out of bed anywhere close to the time my alarm goes off.

Anyhoo, I was trying to see the time and then it struck me! I was darker than usual outside. "Pfffffft!" me thinks! Its nearly fall. It will get darker and darker outside until, alas, it will be completely dark. I will have to run around in the dark and look out the window to see nothing but rain pouring and trees blowing in the wind.

It can be pretty gorgeous but also depressing. Hmmm, how time goes.

My oh my...

To start - I was weird, awkward kid in school. Never fit in - was always sticking out like a sore thumb!

Forward to now - I just stumbled upon photos put up by an old friend on facebook. In there were photos of two ppl I knew who were going out like 8 years ago. They are engaged.

No, this is not a sappy post about ever lasting love - thats just not me. Its more of a bitchy post.

So these two (the couple) were like the coolest couple in school. And seeing their photos now - I wonder why?

They seem just ordinary ppl. Hmmm funny what times does to ppl!

This reminds of the movie High Fidelity where John Cusack's character realizes how lousy Catherine Zeta-Jones' character really is - after thinking for the longest time she was the coolest chick ever! That is what this moment is for me.

Oh well!

Shut up!

My two co-workers are always having stupid arguments.

Right now they are arguing how to file things on the computer/server and how to access it.

Dear old G is a hoot (as she would say it) I love her - but she doesnt get computers or filing on computers

And the receptionist - yes, the same racist one, is good at computers!

Anyhoo, there are times when they argue for hours on the same subject each one saying the completely different things and not listening to each other.

This can go on and on and on and on!

It really irritates me cause their arguing interferes with what I am doing - cause I cant freaking think!

Now they are chatting!

God - I just want to get my work done and go home - its friday for crying out loud!


Anyways, on a completely different note - Marbleslab seems to be opening its stores in my 'hood here is the link if you dont know what it is all about! http://www.marbleslab.com/

All I can say is about freaking time! My life will be different after its opening!

I dont know what to blog about....


I am seriously thinking about becoming a bone marrow donor. Getting registered. Not b/c of anything or anyone I know who needs bone marrow - but just cause there are not that many brown ppl in the marrow donor list...seems like the right thing to do.

I have some reservations - I dont want to get registered only to say no to someone who needs it. However, I have always believed that if, say for example, I were to donate my lungs they would never go to someone who smokes - you get what I am saying.

I dont know enough how much lifestyle has to do with bone marrow - I am no doctor - but I would like to some research on it....

I think J finds it wierd that I want to get registered just cause...

Babies

I have been freaking out lately.

We are thinking of reproducing soon....

And all I can think of is all the things that could go wrong.

I mean all my thoughts go 'What if....?'

- What if the child has an extra arm?
- or not enough arms?
- What if the child has dyslexia?
- What if, what if, what if....

I could go on. But I seriosuly freaking out and maybe that is why I am not working.

Is that natural? Are you supposed to freak out this way?

I know I need to calm down. I know that is all premature. I know that there is little I can do. I know all of it.

But cant seem to stop.

And that gets me thinking - how easy it seems for some of my friends. Its so natural. There is no doubt in their minds that the kid will be okay. Or maybe they never told me.

Anyhoo.

All I know is that right now it seems like gambling - a billion things could go wrong and there is nothing I could do.