6 months

I have been a mom for 6 months and I cant believe how time flies.

Really its been crazy.

And you learn so much. Just about being a mother but about yourself and about life.

And babies - they teach you so much.

Everything K does is fascinating to me. Its a wonder when he picks things up or looks at his toys and knows how to put them...

I never knew I could be this person. Perfectly happy to be with the baby. I love just love being a mom. More than anything else in my life.

I also have a new found respect for my mom. God I was so mean to her. I cant imagine how she took care of 3 kids.

Am I just being a new mom and does this glow, this joy fade in a few years...? Or does everything your kid does amaze you?

Happy Holidays

I meant to wish everyone Happy holidays, merry Christmas, Happy new year and all that but life got in the way.

Actually freaking snow got in the way. It snowed so much last week that we have been bundled up at home!

This year, actually, I dont really care for christmas or new years. Esp. New years as its just a fake thing to celebrate anyways. I feel out of it. I dont really much care for the festivities this year. All I care about is my baby. Damn the whole world.

This is surprising as I love christmas and I love prezzies (who doesnt?), I love the tree and the everything else. New years was never my favourite so whatever but usually I am mildly excited for it. This oh no. I couldnt care less.

Partially, its J and his tantrums. He keeps having them and I keep telling him I am reaching my limit. I think he gets it as he tries. He really does. And he has actually been nice to me like asking me if he can do anything, helping me in the kitchen and stuff like that. The other part of this is actually more deeper. Unlike other years, I am actually at a standstill in my career. I can change jobs or go back to school and both of these are causing me anxiety. Add to that the thought of leaving K in daycare or wherever and I have panic attacks.

At the same time, its exciting.

But I get older, I realize that I dont want to do a few things in my life that I thought I'd be game for -

I dont want to climb the steep hill. Meaning I dont want a job where I am constantly having to prove my worth.
I actually am happy being a secretary or a clerk in some office as long as the work doesn't come home with me.
I have actually realized that I have no ambition at all. All I want is to be a good mom and everything else can go to hell. I would be prefectly happy at home cooking and cleaning. That of course is not a long time solution.

I want something that is flexible enough so that I can take care of K. I dont care what I do just as long as I can be there for him.

Nothing else matters to me.

I dont want a fancy house, I dont want fine cars or jewelry or anything.

Yea, I know its my hormones talking but I also know that I want to take a back seat wherever I work.

Lets see what happens...

power shopping

I did some power shopping yesterday. Crossed off everyone except K and J on my list. K is easy. J is a bit tricky cause anything I buy he will know as it shows up on the visa bill.

Anyways, I am paying for the power shopping today I am so tired its not even funny.

Unlike before I have baby who loves attention. So there I was in the mall shopping and K was soaking in all the happiness. He then refused to eat as there was too much distraction.

So I kept going to the parents room every hour as he would eat for a few minutes and then get distracted by whoever else came in. It was tiring. Anyways, I did finish most of the shopping and K had a grand old time, smiling at grandmas and looking all cute. He also got his photo taken with Santa - which was fun.

Anyways, my legs hurt, my back hurts and all I want to do is pass out.


This holiday season makes me want to have my own place like never before. I mean the place we are at is fine. But you cant have real christmas trees or anything. Next year if we do have our own place I would really decorate it. Trees, lights and most of all lots of warmth and cheer and maybe some cookies...