Random Rantings of a Viki Jones

6 months

2009-01-22T09:47:00.003-08:00

I have been a mom for 6 months and I cant believe how time flies.

Really its been crazy.

And you learn so much. Just about being a mother but about yourself and about life.

And babies - they teach you so much.

Everything K does is fascinating to me. Its a wonder when he picks things up or looks at his toys and knows how to put them...

I never knew I could be this person. Perfectly happy to be with the baby. I love just love being a mom. More than anything else in my life.

I also have a new found respect for my mom. God I was so mean to her. I cant imagine how she took care of 3 kids.

Am I just being a new mom and does this glow, this joy fade in a few years...? Or does everything your kid does amaze you?

Happy Holidays

2008-12-31T09:51:00.002-08:00

I meant to wish everyone Happy holidays, merry Christmas, Happy new year and all that but life got in the way.

Actually freaking snow got in the way. It snowed so much last week that we have been bundled up at home!

This year, actually, I dont really care for christmas or new years. Esp. New years as its just a fake thing to celebrate anyways. I feel out of it. I dont really much care for the festivities this year. All I care about is my baby. Damn the whole world.

This is surprising as I love christmas and I love prezzies (who doesnt?), I love the tree and the everything else. New years was never my favourite so whatever but usually I am mildly excited for it. This oh no. I couldnt care less.

Partially, its J and his tantrums. He keeps having them and I keep telling him I am reaching my limit. I think he gets it as he tries. He really does. And he has actually been nice to me like asking me if he can do anything, helping me in the kitchen and stuff like that. The other part of this is actually more deeper. Unlike other years, I am actually at a standstill in my career. I can change jobs or go back to school and both of these are causing me anxiety. Add to that the thought of leaving K in daycare or wherever and I have panic attacks.

At the same time, its exciting.

But I get older, I realize that I dont want to do a few things in my life that I thought I'd be game for -

I dont want to climb the steep hill. Meaning I dont want a job where I am constantly having to prove my worth.
I actually am happy being a secretary or a clerk in some office as long as the work doesn't come home with me.
I have actually realized that I have no ambition at all. All I want is to be a good mom and everything else can go to hell. I would be prefectly happy at home cooking and cleaning. That of course is not a long time solution.

I want something that is flexible enough so that I can take care of K. I dont care what I do just as long as I can be there for him.

Nothing else matters to me.

I dont want a fancy house, I dont want fine cars or jewelry or anything.

Yea, I know its my hormones talking but I also know that I want to take a back seat wherever I work.

Lets see what happens...

power shopping

2008-12-11T12:08:00.002-08:00

I did some power shopping yesterday. Crossed off everyone except K and J on my list. K is easy. J is a bit tricky cause anything I buy he will know as it shows up on the visa bill.

Anyways, I am paying for the power shopping today I am so tired its not even funny.

Unlike before I have baby who loves attention. So there I was in the mall shopping and K was soaking in all the happiness. He then refused to eat as there was too much distraction.

So I kept going to the parents room every hour as he would eat for a few minutes and then get distracted by whoever else came in. It was tiring. Anyways, I did finish most of the shopping and K had a grand old time, smiling at grandmas and looking all cute. He also got his photo taken with Santa - which was fun.

Anyways, my legs hurt, my back hurts and all I want to do is pass out.

This holiday season makes me want to have my own place like never before. I mean the place we are at is fine. But you cant have real christmas trees or anything. Next year if we do have our own place I would really decorate it. Trees, lights and most of all lots of warmth and cheer and maybe some cookies...

drama rama

2008-12-09T14:07:00.003-08:00

There is more drama in my life. J has gone crazy again.

He is pissed off at his parents, his mum particularly for inviting someone from work over for christmas. This someone we have never met and will prolly never meet again. So yes its awkward. Its K's first christmas and we both think it should be family only.

So fine. You cant uninvite someone and he doesnt want to go over for christmas dinner with two strangers. Ok, I agree on this too. I am fine with whatever cause a) we dont really celebrate christmas b) my family is never here for christmas so whatever c) I dont want christmas dinner with strangers.

J has gone completely off the rails and is saying all kinds of bad things about his parents. Which is fine with me except that some of has to do with them getting old. I wish he could see that and I wish he could see that his behaviour is hurting his parents. I sent him an email telling him this. I think he is going to pissed off but at the same time, I think he needs to know how I feel and if it keeps him from hurting his parents its worth it.

I have been feeling weird lately. The shootings in Bombay have given me a new perspective. My parents and my siblings live there and there is nothing worse than hearing that something so horrible is happening and you not being able to hug your loved ones. When I heard of it, I felt like someone had ripped my heart out. I knew mostly they would be fine but there is a small chance. There is always a small chance. That small chance, that feeling of what if someone you loved was in the wrong place at the wrong time - just living their life, and that feeling of wanting to take your loved ones in your arms and never letting them go but not being able to do it....

To me, nothing else matters but the people you love. No matter what they are the only one you have and they will be there when the going gets tough. And if I had the option, I would never let my parents or my siblings out of my sight, I would hold on to them tight but I cant so I do what millions around the world do - I pray for them, I call them every second I get and most of all I tell them I love them.

You should do it too.

The best thing about Christmas...

2008-12-08T16:50:00.003-08:00

Two words for you -

Almond Roca.

So I saw huge tins of Almond Roca at London Drugs today. I was awesome. I was tempted to buy one but then realized that I would finish it all.

Not good. I will see if I can buy a small bag and eat it every once in awhile..

What is your favourite holiday candy?

Dec

2008-12-06T22:19:00.002-08:00

I cant believe its december already. Wow.

I've had a crazy few weeks. With J's surgery and taking care of K - I've hardly had any time.

I have wanted to blog more but its so hard. Everytime I try, something or the other happens!

I am freezing right now. The guy living below me doesnt seem to turn on his heater. So I have to jack up my heater. Which is fine cause I dont pay for heating but still its annoying as hell!

Anyhoo, I am going to try to finish my delivery post and post it. Wish me luck.

The delivery - part 2

2008-11-17T22:20:00.006-08:00

J, my sis and myself get into the car to go to the hospital. My midwife was to follow us and meet us there.

The hospital is 5 minutes away so we drive. We get there and J dropped me and my sis off. Since it was almost 12 midnight we had to enter through the emergency entrance. So my sis and myself walk in. I am trying to tell them I am having a baby (as if it wasnt obvious enough). There are two cops there with a man who obviously got into a fight. One of the cop looks at me and says "how far are your contractions". I say, just to get him off my back "Ten minutes". He says "Oh, thats too far off, you are going to be here for awhile. Maybe you should go back home". I give him look and try to get myself a chair or something. Meanwhile my sis is trying to register me. The nurse keeps saying "oh no, we need a carecard (medical card all Canadians have). I am like, "I am in pain, my husband is coming with the carecard". The nurse is arguing with my sis. I am looking around for something to lean against. J shows up and we are processed and sent through.

So now we are in the birthing suite. My midwife is there. She explains that the attending ob/gyn will be here shortly. I am having another contraction and this time there are tears rolling down my cheeks and I am screaming. I ask for Nitrous oxide (laughing gas). Man, that stuff is awesome. I know it works for some and doesnt work for others. It worked for me. I am big fan of that stuff.

Anyways, the ob/gyn comes in and I was kind of loopy by this point thanks to the laughing gas, she breaks my water and says if things dont progress they would give me the oxytocin. I was kind of hoping for the best.

After this part I remember bits and pieces but what essentially happened was that - my midwife informed me that I was dilating on my own and they would wait to see what happens. After a little while they checked me again and told me things were going fine and that I should soon be able to start pushing. Mind you when they broke my water it was around 2amish and the time when I was able to start pushing was around 4.30 in the morning. I recall people coming in the room and leaving but nothing significant. I do recall pushing my mother in law away. I think what happened was that I was starting a contraction and she was trying to hold me and I was screaming but pushing her away. Dont recall much though.

What I do recall and very clearly at that is that I asked for the epidural. Now they tell you that from the time you ask for the epi and by the time you get it - its about an hour to hour and half. The process takes that long. So I was ok. I thought I am 7 cms dilated. I know I cant take the pain so the guy should be here sometime before the pain gets worse. Not really. So the nurse informs me that they will get the process started. They were looking for the anesthesiologist. After what seemed like forever, the nurse comes back saying that he was stuck in the OR and there was no one else on that night. She says he should be out in a hour. By this time I know what that means. I am super loopy but I know this is going to go on without the epidural. So I keep sucking on the laughing gas and the other nurse says we can give her another IV pain killer till the anesthesiologist gets here. So they put the IV in and start the pain killer. This is much milder form of pain killer. What I remember after that is me screaming off and on. I remember the nurse, my midwife and J telling me various things like to push, to breathe and to drink some more gatorade. I remember the feeling of being in pain but not the pain. Just the feeling of absolute white pain. At around 5.58 am I remember my midwife telling me he is out. I remember seeing the clock and then seeing a crying little baby on me!

It was the most incredible feeling ever. I dont think I can describe it. It was tears and joy and pain and everything. And he was so tiny. I remember thinking that he was a complete human being just tiny. Its just incredible.

The delivery - part 1

2008-11-17T21:46:00.004-08:00

So I have wanted to write about this for awhile.

The delivery. The thing I dreaded the most. The moment I was convinced I was going to die.

Well, it was not that bad.

I have to say though I would not have been able to do it without J, my midwife and a very awesome nurse.

K was due July 19th. So on the 14th, I saw my midwife and I was like, I am so ready to give birth. You see by the last week of my pregnancy I was so full of fluid and so tired, and achy and sore that I just wanted the baby out. My midwife told me the usual things to go into labour. I was walking like crazy and going up and down the stairs and eating spicy foods. Anything to get things going. I started having contractions on the 14th. Just random no real rhythm just painful and uncomfortable. My back also started to hurt. I was ok, no biggie I can do this. Well that went on for 5 days. I couldnt sleep because of the contractions and I was not comfortable at all. My contractions never got to the 4 or 5 minutes apart. But I had contractions for 5 days. On Saturday, things got worse....

J was still trying to finish off his work so he was at home working. I was with my mum, my sis and J's grandma at my in-laws place and my in-laws were out for the day. Well what do you know, I had to "go into labour" then. So here I am, the only one who can drive a car, 30 minutes from the hospital. So I am trying my mother-in-laws cell trying to get in touch with her as she was not far away but busy at the temple. She was not answering her phone. Meanwhile I am having contractions lasting about 3 minutes long every 10 to 15 minutes. At some point, J shows up. He is like "I just finished work, I can start my pat leave now" I am like good, cause it seems like the baby is coming...now.

His parents show up and me, J, my sis and my mom take off. We decide to go back to our place and ride the pain as much as we can to make sure its not false labour and make sure the hospital doesnt send us back. So we are at home. J had barely slept the night before and he was tired as hell. My sis and my mom are just waiting... My contractions kept getting longer and longer but were still erratic. By this time I was screaming in pain with every contraction. I only live a 5 minute drive from the hospital so we decided to keep going as much as we could at home. My screams were getting louder and I was getting to a point were I need some drugs. So this is around 8 in the evening. J was scarfing down some left over lamb chops and potatoes. My sis and my mum were looking more and more terrified as things kept going. After some bleeding we decide to call the midwife. She comes over and examines me. She lets us know that we are having a "dysfunctional labour". What she meant was that the contractions were not coming close enough but were getting longer and longer. She said that we should think about inducing as this could go on for days and that I would keep getting more and more tired. The baby was doing fine so she wasnt too worried about him but she did say the eventually it would affect the baby as well. Keep in mind I hadnt slept for 5 days and was getting physically tired of the contractions.

So we decide to go to the hospital and induce.

2008-11-17T21:27:00.002-08:00

J got his surgery done for the deviated septum. I went to visit him in the hospital and felt bad for him. His nose was bleeding very bad, which is normal but still.

Anyways he has to spend the night at the hospital, I cant stay with him cause K needs me. But I get to pick him up early in the morning tomorrow.

I have been thinking more and more of calling the postpartum society...I will. I finally got to putting their number on my cell. Its hard but I have to do it. I have to if I want to get out of my head. My head is driving me crazy. I do go to the regular mom and baby meetings at the community centre and even have set up a weekly walk with one of the other moms I met at the community centre. The one hour walk goes a long way. It was nice to know someone else felt the same way as I did. I think its so hard being the person who carries the baby and a fulltime caregiver. Whereas your partner - just has to deal with the non-physical aspects of being a parent. I am still recovering from my delivery, even though its been like 4 months. J will never know what that is like. He doesnt have to - its not part of his world. He can empathize and understand but he will never really know. Its so one sided.

Hiding

2008-11-16T15:20:00.002-08:00

I am hiding from J. Who had a major tantrum cause he doesnt have anything to wear and has to work.

My fault. Not his.

I find myself unable to cope. I keep thinking I should call the postpartum clinic. But I cant. I dont know what to do.

I fear J will think I am a loser and worse, I am overreacting. Nothing is wrong with me. I am looking for some attention. Maybe his parents will think I am not a good mother. Maybe someone I know will think - judge me.

Whatever. I know none of the reasons above justify not calling them. But I am not sure. Maybe I am overreacting. I have been known to do that. Maybe I need to be stronger. Maybe nothing is wrong.

Its just so hard to tell. I fear most of what J will think. I already thinks I didnt want a child. Not true. I have said its wasnt that. I feared the childbirth. I dont think he believes me.

I just wish I could happy pills or something and be done with it. Or maybe get counselling without anyone knowing. How do you do that?

Baby and movie

2008-11-07T08:52:00.003-08:00

I have been trying to watch "The double life of Veronique" for awhile now. Everytime I turn on the dvd, K wakes up screaming.

He hates that movie.

Its funny, he will sleep through any food network program, the pressure cooker going off, me doing dishes...but not the movie.

I dont know what it is...

So far I have seen about half an hour of the movie - with two interruptions...

I am almost afraid to turn the movie on cause I know he will wake up...

Wish me luck!

2008-11-02T21:14:00.002-08:00

Right now I am all alone at home, was watching a movie...and now listening to K cry....

Hmm, must go tend to him...

Ok, yea, so motherhood is definitely the hardest thing I have done and am enjoying it a lot....

Its weird how everything becomes about the baby and you kind of dont care about that...

ok, he is crying again....

I am re-thinking this pacifier thing...thing is now, he kind of needs it to sleep...not a good thing.

Anyhoo, yea its weird how babies become the centre of your world and you dont seem to mind that much.

He is a handful though, already has a personality at 3 months old! Its cute.

In many ways I cant wait for him to grow up and many ways I dont want him to grow up.

Weird.

2008-10-30T19:04:00.002-07:00

I am super concerned about young K.

I dont think he is gaining enough weight. All the other babies I see are chubby and cuddly.

K is not that chubby as yet. He is in the 40 percentile for his weight.

I kind of blame myself as being a vegetarian I dont eat that much protein...

I am trying to eat eggs, as they have protein and are easy to make but man I hate the taste.

That and they are all googly.

Anyways, his doctor doesnt seem to be concerned but I am going to try to eat more, generally, eat more of the good things and hopefully that will help.

K-Train

2008-10-24T14:21:00.002-07:00

As young K is known, is now in the bedroom cooing and crying at the same time.

Man, I am so exhausted all the time. Its like a non-stop entertainment centre except that I am the one who has to entertain.

And to think he is not even crawling right now.

Anyhoo, Its getting cold here and I have to say, that does not make me happy. I have been walking around the house today with a sweater on and slippers.

Speaking of slippers, K puked on J's slippers today. I washed the puke off but I dont think its completely clean.

I am thinking of not telling J about this - as he can be a bit Obsessive compulsive sometimes.

Like he goes around the house putting floor mats parallel to the door. Or arranging remotes in a line from longest to shortest and so on.

Which is fine. I noticed it a long time ago before he realized what he was doing but if I tell him about the slippers he might throw them out and the puke really wasnt that much, just a dab and that too nowhere where his foot would touch.

Hmm, will have to think on that....

Back

2008-10-13T11:15:00.002-07:00

So J just started working again. Yes, he had 2 and half months of parental leave.

Since he doesnt know about my blog I couldnt post, besides I didnt have the time. Man, babies are a lot of work. But in a good way;o)

Its been a weird few months. I mean, I went from being pregnant to being a mom, from being full time employed to being at home...

I am enjoying this as I love spending time with my little guy, who I will call K for the purposes of this blog.

Anyways, my parents were in town and so was my sis. They left awhile ago. Its weird you know, I went from being surrounded by people to being alone (well sort of alone). I miss them terribly. I wish they were here so I could spend more time with them.

Anyways, I guess its all good.

I am hating the weather at the moment though! I know is October but its freaking raining and I cant actually go out, cause its freezing and I dont really want K to be exposed to the weather if he doesnt need to be.

He is teething! He is 3 months old (will be on Oct 20) and he is teething. I am afraid for my boobs, as once the teeth come in it will be painful! I guess I will have to switch to bottles full time.

What else?

There lots of things I could post about but I dont know what to write and what not to write, so I guess I will leave it for now.

Good to be back though!

2008-10-08T20:03:00.001-07:00

So I am back again sort of... I will start blogging more regularly next weekish

Its amazing how fast babies grow - one day they are freaked out to be outside the womb and the next they are grabbing things with both hands....

2008-08-30T00:41:00.001-07:00

Thanks for the good wishes!

He is cute if I say so myself.

Although I dont get much sleep these days...but its worth it.

I am listening to Oasis and not getting much sleep right now - oh well!

More when I have time

Sort of back...

2008-08-18T10:13:00.002-07:00

Yes, I have been away.

Partially cause I had the baby!

Yes! Its a boy. A very cute one at that!

And also cause I am not at work and hence its hard for me to blog.

Anyways, I will keep updating as things happen. But not for awhile as I dont get much sleep cause the boy keeps me up all night.

Yes, I am mommy and I cant believe it at all.

2008-07-09T11:00:00.002-07:00

Ok, I know I have been away. Mostly just lazing around.

We had to have an ultrasound yesterday to check if the baby is breach - its not.

So thats good. Now I am focussing my energies on getting the baby out. I have been telling the baby to come out.

I am also seriously thinking of loading up on spicy string beans and raspberry tea leaf - or whatever else anyone recommends to go into labour.

I am done carrying this baby. Its getting heavier by the second and I want to play with the baby and such...

Its been too long. I also thought that 9 months is too long to carry a child. 8 months would be good - since really the last month is for the baby to beef up.

Anyhoo, any ideas on what would help me go into labour?

2008-07-03T11:32:00.003-07:00

I am super lazy.

I have now stopped working and dont feel like doing anything at all.

I laze around with my sister.

Its kind of nice as my feet are swollen to elephant proportions.

Hmm, I will bask in my laziness till I can.

2008-06-27T10:37:00.002-07:00

I have a brand new computer.

Yes, its new and its a 20in imac. Take that world!

Ok, also today is my last day at work. I am excited as physically it is very hard to keep working. I am also sad as I will miss my co-workers!

But I will have a scrunchlet to take care of so I think that will keep me busy.

Okay, will update from home from my super cool computer!

2008-06-25T10:19:00.002-07:00

I have not been feeling all to well.

I stayed home on Monday and Tuesday and am at work today but only getting a few things done.

Nothing nutty. Just tying up loose ends.

Anyhoo, if I dont blog too often, its prolly cause I am sick at home with no computer. Thats right - I have no comp at home...

So, you might not hear from me that often - either that or I have gone into labour and my jubs is coming!

Yippee - I am so excited and nervous at the same time.

2008-06-19T10:20:00.004-07:00

So my sis is in town. It is interesting to see J react with her around.

Its just new for all of us and new things take time. We will see how this one goes.

In other random news, my G, is excited cause her treatment dates are lined up. Within a week after finding out she has lymphoma. Yes, within a week. Health care works. I have never heard anyone being denied treatment if they really need it. All this scare talk about ppl having to go to US to buy health care is crap. Its ppl who think they need CT scans or MRIs and travel down south and pay for it. Its stupid. If you need a CT Scan you will get it.

Anyhoo, thats my rant for now.

Issues, will need tissues!

2008-06-17T09:00:00.002-07:00

Update: apparently we are buying my mil a new futon and mattress as she wants to impress my parents and wants to give them something not crappy.

So, we have to pay for her to look good. I just wish she would give me bill at the end of the month for whatever we owe her, her for food, TV, Internet and even the heat we take in while we visit. Will be hell of a lot easier.

Last weekend, J had a fit telling me how I hate his mom and how when we were staying there it was apparent that I hated her and how he doesnt spend time there b/c I dont like it.

Seems like a lot to take all of a sudden. I dont hate his mom. She gets on my nerves. She does b/c she wants things and never actually comes out and says it. Its like a guessing game with her except that if you dont guess what she wants when she wants, you loose. I loose one too often.

I also have always gotten the impression that she doesnt like me. She just doesnt b/c I am from a big city and her family isnt. I have been blamed for not being indian enough and being too Canadian and fitting in too easily and not going to the temple every weekend. Its not me. I dont go to the temple, yes, I am from a big city and no I dont want to isolate myself and cocoon myself into the Indian community just so she would approve of me. I have tried doing things her way and she finds faults in it. Plus, its so much work and doesnt feel right.

She has always resented me for my association with my aunt. She knows my aunt and hates her. Now that is hate between the two of them. When she found out I was related to this woman, she didnt like it. She has said this to me. She has said that given who I was related to (meaning my aunt) she was skeptical about me and that I should thank her for letting me be with her son. J doesnt know this. I dont want him to have a fight with his mum b/c she is too stupid to come out and say this. I frankly dont know what to do.

I just dont. I have let things be and I am going to let it be b/c either ways, I wont win. I just wont. And its not something I want to tempt b/c I have everything loose this way or that. So I leave it. I never say what his mum tells me and I try my hardest not to show any negativity towards her (which apparently I dont succeed in).

I did tell J that no I dont hate his mom but she does get on my nerves and that, once my sister was in town and my parents were in town, he would feel the same way. They would get on his nerves and drive him crazy, like every relative and every in-law that came before them and will come after them. Its only natural.

Thinking about that makes me think. J has it made. He doesnt have to spend any holidays with my parents, doesnt have to eat dinners that make everyone uncomfortable and this is the first time he will be seeing them after we got married 8 yrs ago. He will never have to spend day in and day out for 4 yrs hoping to move out or even hoping that today will be the day when you dont piss your mil. Just maybe she will like you for something.

Gosh darn it.

2008-06-16T15:14:00.002-07:00

I am tired as hell.

I am super tired and cant keep my eyes open. I get why working in the 8th month of your pregnancy is difficult.

I feel so tired and alone sometimes. I mean I dont know that many pregnant women or mums. So its pretty lonely on planet me. I will be busy the first few months after the baby is born w/ family so it will be good. After that though, I plan to join some sort of a 'mummy and me' activities. I think just knowing other moms will be good.

Its so hard this whole thing. Everything in a way.

I was thinking the other day, women really do work like dogs. That is not to say that men sit at home and do nothing but compared to all that women do....really I would want to be born as a man next time around.

I mean once you are a mom, you take care of the baby, the house, the details of running a house (daily things like laundry, food, cleaning and so on), not to mention you still have to be there for your partner and work! Last I checked men dont have to be the boob, the maid, the chef, the worker and the mental notetaker. And all for nothing. No thanks, no you are great, nothing. Nothing at all.

I mean, this whole pregnancy thing has made me so much more aware of women and the larger issues. You know you carry a child inside of you, physically that is hard enough. Your body goes through hell and back, and then you become this new person in a new role and everyone just expects you to go in and take it.

Its freaking hard work. Not to mention not all that physically attractive. You through all of that and everything that comes with it and what then?

I dont know what this post is about. I am just feeling blah I guess.

To cook or not to cook

2008-06-13T14:12:00.002-07:00

So, I have been wanting to cook up a storm lately.

I was going through my cook books and there are so many recipes that I try. Esp, this raspberry and white chocolate meringue. I just dont have the time or the energy. I mean I barely get the time to buy regular groceries where am I going to go get the time to buy special ingredients and stand and beat the egg whites till they are stiff?

Anyhoo, I keep wanting to make something special or just try something new and it doesnt happen.

That is my rant. I want to cook something new but dont have the time.

Exciting life eh?

Co-worker update

2008-06-12T09:26:00.002-07:00

So G, my co-worker didnt show up yesterday and we were wondering what was happening as its pretty unusual for her to not show up.

She called in the afternoon and explained that the day before, June 10th she was attending the monthly board meeting. The meeting usually goes on from 6 in the evening to 10ish. While at the meeting she got a call from her doctor to go the emergency at the nearby hospital. Now no doctors call at 6 in the evening unless there is an emergency. So the doctor calling in the evening itself should have been an alarm. Anyways, G, decides to finish the meeting and then go the hospital.

Apparently her platelet count was down to 8000 when normally it is supposed to be 120,000. I.e. its not good news when you have no immune system left. Duh!

She went into the hospital at 10 at night and was kept overnight and let go the next afternoon.

Apparently she has a mild case of lymphoma. Its cancer of the lymph nodes but its super mild and at the very early stage so she doesnt even have to get chemo. Just medication and a few hospital visits.

I think G is stupid. I love her but she is. Who waits for a meeting to finish so that they can go the emergency? Esp. after the your doctor calls and tells you to go the emergency?

Really? I think she puts way too much into her job. A job that no one except her cares about. She is treated like crap and she keeps stretching herself thin.

I wonder if its to make herself look good. She has two really close friends who have both had very important jobs and very successful careers. Not that G hasnt but also not in a way her friends have. Her doing this might be a way to to make herself important....

Anyhoo, she is back at work when I really think she should just be at home, maybe working from home...

co-worker update

2008-06-11T09:15:00.003-07:00

So, G, did not show up to work this morning. She was the one who was sick.

L is now wondering what is going on. I am not that worried. I am sure she is okay - prolly a routine check up or something. In any case, there is nothing we can do until we hear from her.

L chimes up every few seconds wondering what is going on. I told her, just call her at home and see what the deal is. Really there is nothing we can do.

Anyhoo, will update as I know more.

Things are a happening...

2008-06-10T09:25:00.002-07:00

My parents and my sis got the visa to Canada.

They are planning a visit soon. Anyways, since the parents cannot stay in my apmt they will be with the in-laws.

I called my mil yesterday, just to chat and she mentioned a few things...

She has to buy a mattress soon. We already gave her our old mattress which is an okay mattress b/c we knew someone would visit and they havent bought a mattress for ages. So they have a huge house with 5 bedrooms and over the last 10 years they didnt invest in a spare mattress. They way she said she has to buy a mattress, it almost felt like I should buy her a new one cause its my parents who are visiting. Yea, that is not happening. She can keep dreaming. The way I see it, she already has the one that we gave her she can buy another one as I didnt force her not to buy new mattresses. Anyhoo.

She also mentioned that will need new sheets. I could be crazy paranoid but her exact words were "I am going to need some sheets" and thats it. Meaning, she would like me to give her the sheets. Again, I know my parents are using the bed, but I already gave her the mattress, I can give some sheets if she wants but last time I checked she is supposed to provide this to ppl who stay with her. Its not like they are strangers. She has stayed with my parents and actually been taken around on a all paid trip for a week. My parents dont even expect that.

She also mentioned that she is going to be cleaning her kitchen this weekend and she needs help. All fine and dandy but I have a hard time cleaning myself. Really, just taking a shower is work. I am not going to drive all the way to her place and clean for 5 hours when I have enough things to take care of myself. I am not saying she should do this by herself but for her to expect me to drop everything and clean her freaking kitchen is a bit much. I moved out for a reason.

Partially, this all is a bit too much to handle. I didnt want my parents to come here b/c I knew she would get this way. I can just see her mentioning the increasing grocery bills and gas prices when they are in town. It will all be done very casually of course. Freaking hell. She will also refuse to take money from me b/c that would be insulting her. So there is no winning for me.

In the meantime, my dad isnt helping me at all. He is sort of a diva. We get along but we also have our differences. He keeps changing his mind about visiting and not visiting. Last I heard he didnt want to visit. Before that he said he would like to visit for 2 months and before that he said he can only come for a month. I would just like to know. Either ways. I am going to call him and ask him what is plan is point blank.

Freaking parents and relatives and all.

Ewwww

2008-06-06T09:15:00.002-07:00

The weather here is atrocious. Really, its like rainy and cloudy and gross all over.

I hate it. It feels like I am in January or something.

I mean its June for chrissake, I dont make it through fall and winter to come back to winter after spring!

I need sunshine to function. I really do.

In other random rants, my in-laws are coming for dinner tomorrow. It will interesting. My mil is a chef so my plan is to cook things before hand and be done before they come. We will see if that happens!

Anyhoo, my coworker, L, is now ready to apply for immigration for JC again. Apparently peace was made and she told him if he ever treated her with disrespect, he should just leave. They were going to lie on their application given JC's marriage status (his divorce not finalized and him marrying L) but now they are going to get married again. Which makes a bit more sense.

She is also getting someone else to help her apply and file the immi papers. I think she thought it would be better if a third party does it. I am frankly glad. I did not want to be involved in anyway. So I think she is going to file the papers sometime this month.

My other coworker, G, is still waiting for a diagnosis. They are trying to rule out cancers and other horrible diseases. She is not too worried as her doctor assured her the chances of it being a major cancer are next to nothing. She still might have lymphoma but a very mild kind that would not require any chemo.

So she is in good spirits.

Which is good.

So all in all, bad weather and two crazy co-workers who keep me distracted from freaking out over other stupid matters. A good thing really.

I cant......Breathe!

2008-06-04T11:36:00.002-07:00

Seriously, I cant breathe. Its like my lungs are squished or something.

Actually, they are squished and that is why I cant breathe. Baby is now seriously too big, me thinks.

Its like everytime it moves, it stretches my stomach so much that some times it hurts.

Speaking of stretching, I have freaking stretch marks! They are god awful ugly. Seriously, only thing left right now is my belly button to pop out.

Yea, I am week 33 and my belly button is still in. Take that world!

Ok, let me explain. I have always had a deep belly button. Like super big, like when I wear a tight clingy top you could see how big. I always hated it. It was always embarrassing. But I finally know why I have the belly button I do - its so that when I am 33 weeks preggers, it still hangs in.

Its good.

It wont be in for long though. My belly is already stretched to the limit and the belly button is the only thing left.

So we shall see how long it can hold on.

Meanwhile, I still cant breathe. My bra is now open and I am hiding in my office. I am not going to close it up unless I have to go somewhere.

Cravings

2008-06-03T09:00:00.003-07:00

So I have been trying to fight my sweet tooth.

I am not going crazy or anything, just trying to eat healthy and not eat junk!

I find the cure to cravings is really cold water. Like water that shocks your mouth and the rest of you. Trust me - it works.

All you have to do is have the will to drink ice cold water (rain or shine) when you are craving something bad.

Of course you dont do it everytime or you will start hating water. So when you think your cravings are really bad, like wanting to eat something just totally junky - you shock your system.

Yea, and no need to thank me. Its okay.

Stuff

2008-06-02T12:02:00.002-07:00

Ok, so my sis and my mom have their visas in hand and my dad is waiting for his. My bro doesnt want to come so he will be in India partaying it up!

Now, comes the really difficult, tricky hard part. My sis can stay with me. So thats no biggie. I dont want her with my mil as I know she will expect my sister to clean and cook and do stuff for her.

The sad, tricky thing is going to be my mum and my dad staying with the in-laws. I know for a fact that mil will pass nasty comments (but be completely passive-aggressive at the same time) on my parents and anything they do.

I wish I didnt have to keep them there. I have little choice. J's uncle's house is completely empty and actually quite close to my in-laws house. I feel like asking him if we can stay there for a month or so. I dont think he would care as much as my mil would take offense. If you recall (I have posted about this before) my mil called up my parents and went on bragging about how big a house she has and how empty it is. This is to my parents who live in an apartment in Bombay. I know if I do end up getting my parents to stay elsewhere it will be a slap in the face for mil - which I dont care about. But at the same time that is not my intention at all. I just dont want to give my mil an opportunity to say anything.

I have decided that when I can, I am going to buy them groceries. At least she cant complain about having to feed them.

All this because I dont know how my mil feels about my parents staying with her. It would be easy if she just said how she felt and if i could believe her. But she wont say anything and anything that does come out of her mouth is completely passive aggressive so I dont even know what she means half of the time.

Anyways, I will just hope for the best. I dont hate my mil - I just cant read her and I dont think she likes me all that much. Which is fine cause, that is her problem not mine. I think she feels cheated somehow. When J and myself got married she was happyish - as she never thought her son would marry someone from India. But, I am not like a typical Indian bride. I dont like going to temple, I dont think I am my husbands slave and more than anything else, I am from a big city. Which means I am not traditional enough. This is what gets to her. I think she wishes that I would be traditional - go to the temple, not call my husband by his first name, not argue with him when he is being unreasonable, be ever so polite and bend over backwards for my inlaws. I am not that person and I think it irriates her that despite me being Indian I am not her version of "Indian". No one in India does any of the things she expects from me. She is caught up in the old and India has moved on....

Anyways. So will hope for the best and go from there.

Mil had a bit of a hissy fit the other day when my sis-in-law told her that she wont be in the delivary room when I am having 30 ppl staring up my ho-ha. She fully expected to be in there. I dont want her or even my mum to be in the room. I need calm ppl to be around me so that I dont freak out. Mil is not calm and neither is my mum. So no. Anyways, R was telling her this and she was like "What do you mean I wont be in there?" I have to sit her down and tell her we are not having too many ppl in but if things go well and I feel good, I will call her in. That should take care of it. That way she doesnt feel left out and I dont have to have her in the room.

I have convince J too. He was like oh yea, have my sis, his sis, my mom in there. I was like no. I want him in there and the midwife and no one else. I know the midwife will be calm. I know that J will be okay as long as things are kind of ok. I do not need ppl freaking out on me and I dont want my sis as I dont think is there yet (birthing, pain all things associated with it).

Co-worker update.

2008-05-29T10:03:00.004-07:00

L, now has issues with JC.

So JC had borrowed L's bro's car and got into two accidents and never told anyone. L's bro found out about the accidents when insurance called and asked him to pay $4000...

He called L and L just lost it. She told her bro to take regular money off of JC's paycheque. (Oh in case I didnt mention this before, JC is working for L's bro and gets paid by him.) In any case, JC was pissed off with this arrangement and told L to keep off his money. JC basically insinuated that L was taking his money and being controlling when it came to finances.

L is pissed off. She mentioned that JC has in the past made similar comments as if, L takes his paycheque and doesn't give him enough money and stuff like that.

You have to know that JC does not make that much cash. L makes the majority of the income in the family. L also pays for JC's ipods, cell phones (3 brand new so far), medical expenses, bus passes, his food and everything else. She said she herself doesnt have money somedays but makes sure that JC has spending money with him. L is also preparing for JC's sponsorship papers and was going to pay for the immigration. JC hasnt paid a single penny for anything. When he was in Mexico, L paid for his passport, his tix, his hotel bills and food. So basically, she is his bank. Anyways, she is beyond pissed at this point...

She has now let JC know that he needs to pay for this own stuff. So all his medical bills, his bus pass, his immigration and all his food expenses he needs to pay for. She also told him that he needs to pay her bro for the car damage and if JC wishes to carry a cell phone, he needs to get it himself.

JC is apparently quite depressed by all this. He has apologized numerous times to L and she is not taking no for an answer. She has also told him that needs to learn english to make sure he gets a good job.

So all in all, its quite messy and L is actually wondering if this keeps getting worse should she ask JC to just leave. She doesnt want to pay JC to immigrate here but still loves him.

We will see what happens...

The other co-worker who was sick, G, has had numerous medical appointments but is waiting for a diagnosis. So I will update when I know more.

I feel down - pregnancy oh the joy!

2008-05-28T09:05:00.003-07:00

I am kind of, just kind of, depressed.

I dont know why. I woke up with the blues. I think partially its cause I have to wait for little jubs to be born. I mean, there is not much I can do between now and then, except wait.

I would like to take a trip to Victoria, which is on the island, but really I cant afford it and J doesnt have the time.

So I have to be home bound.

I am also starting to get annoyed by anything and everything my mil does. Not b/c she does outrageous things but b/c that is me. I do this from time to time. I shut myself off. Which I guess is fine sometimes. Right now, I dont know....

What would really do me good is a nice holiday to somewhere sunny. I cant do that and thats irritating the hell out of me.

I would also like a drink. Like with alcohol. Seems like forever since I had a drink and really a nice beer would help. But again cant do that (or I could but it really doesnt seem like worth the risk)

I also saw my midwife yesterday and she mentioned I am borderline diabetic. Like I passed the blood test but just. Like literally, you fail the test if the score is 6.7, I was 6.6.

That is what is bringing me way down. I mean, I am vegetarian - so already my choice of foods are limited. Then to hear this is devastating b/c now I have to eat brown foods. Like brown rice and brown bread and so on. Yea its all healthy but honestly, I freaking hate brown rice. If there is one thing I detest its brown rice. It tastes like bird food. I feel like a bird when I am eating super healthy. Not only am I eating vegetables and fruits (which I do love), I am also eating freaking grainy bread and brown rice. Its the brown rice that is going to break my back. Everything else I can deal with. The grainy bread, though not my favourite, I can deal with.

So I think I am going to continue eating regular rice and fuck the brown rice.

What also gets me down is I normally eat pretty healthy. Yes, I do have slip-ups (and recently there have been more "slip-ups" than I care to remember) but most of the times, I eat healthy. What the high glucose tells me is that despite this eating regiment, my body is not processing sugar very well. That is bad news. I know its the pregnancy that is doing this, as I am pretty vigilant when it comes to blood sugar. I used to get it checked every once a year and I know I am at risk (b/c of being Indian) and know whats in store.

Its just that being pregnant is hard enough without all the dietary restrictions and whatnot.

Besides all of this, the weight gain is starting to hurt. Like literally. I cant walk as much or as fast and that is another downer. I have put on 30 pounds up till now. That seems like more than enough for me. Not b/c I want to look hot, which would be nice but not the point, but b/c my feet are in constant pain. I know its the weight gain as I have eliminated every other suspect.

Okay, I could go on, but you get the picture. I will get through this but I think today is complete write-off. I am going to go, sulk....

My rant

2008-05-27T10:48:00.002-07:00

Ok, i have to rant about this. My apologies in advance.

What is the freaking deal with freaking hallmark days? Really?

Am I missing something or am I just plain weird who doesnt get it?

You have Valentine's day, freaking mothers and fathers day. They are NOT holidays. Why am I forced to "celebrate" them? Why?

I hate celebrating anything hallmark tells me I should celebrate. I dont need some card company to tell me when exactly I should spend money for my sweetie. I dont want stupid card company to tell me that I have one day, only one day to love my mum or dad. Why cant I love them whenever and why does loving them, anyone of them, have to cost money. Last I checked you didnt need money to love someone.

I hate that a card company makes up these rules and world goes around following them. I mean I dont know other parts of the world but Canada goes ga-ga over Valentine's day or Mothers day.

Its sooooo stupid and irritating. Moreover, its completely discriminatory to ppl who dont have someone to love or are not mothers or dont have a mother or father. Does no one see this?

Of course, this also comes from the fact that my mother in law, absolutely insists on having her day celebrated. Like she calls ppl up a week before to remind them that mothers day is coming and we'd better do something. When we dont make a big fuss about it - like take her to a really expensive restaurant she throws a hissy fit. What I hate more is that from now on, she will make an extra big deal about this and will force me to be a part of this idiotic routine. I hate these "days". I actually there is something morally wrong in celebrating your status in the world which excludes other members...but I know that from now on, every mothers day will have to be extra special. I feel like slapping her at times like this.

Anyhoo, this is my rant. I am sorry if you feel otherwise....

Piss off

2008-05-23T09:34:00.002-07:00

I just got a forward from L, sent by one of the directors.

In it are various things one of which is "(Viki's) potentially leaving after mat leave" - this completely pisses me off. I mean I have never said anything about leaving. Why am I leaving? I hate that I am being forced to leave b/c someone is too juvenile to get along with me.

Whats more, is that according to employment standards act, they have to keep my job open when I get back. So them saying something like this is not only offensive its also illegal.

I feel like screaming for working with this bunch of fools.

Seriously. The professionals I work with - are not that smart we all assume them to be.

Co-worker and other things

2008-05-22T09:48:00.000-07:00

So G who has been deathly ill is diagnosed with ITP. Click on ITP to read more....

Anyhoo, maybe I have seen too many House (which is totally fantastic BTW) but it sounds like something you would get diagnosed with when there is nothing else to explain it.

Anyhoo, it doesnt sound too serious but doesnt sound too good either.

I have told G time and again to take her computer home and work from there that would at least give her some rest.

She wont do it. So whatever.

Now, to the other co-worker. L, is back and pretty much the same. Her husband JC is suffering from some sort of dental problem. He had to go to the dentist and get his tooth pulled out, after which he got an infection and he is on tylenol 3s.

But other than that things seem fine.

L, also mentioned that when they got to Mexico - like the second day there - JC almost died.

They were in Tijuana and had dinner and L was looking out of the patio when she saw JC laying on the floor. She went near him and saw that he was turning blue. She hit him on the chest a few times and called for the paramedics. He was taken to the hospital and kept there for a few days. He apparently had an allergic reaction to fish he had for dinner. That would suck and would totally freak me out.

Anyways, he was okay and doctors told him no more fish. The consequence of this was that they could not go see JC's family. Which kind of seems like a sweet coincidence to me. I am not saying that JC was faking dying but it did work out in his favour....

Who knows.

Also in other random things slipping in my mind, I totally want to blog about my sis-in-law's bf but cant. I mean, I love my sis-in-law and do like R (the bf) but sometimes he does things that make me suspicious. Like "dude whats going on?" not the other bad kind of suspicion. Just that somethings just dont make sense. I have talked to G about this and she agrees its a bit weird. I cant blog, just in case someone I know reads this lame blog and I will totally be in hot water.

But just an fyi - there is something weird about R and I dont know what and I want to know what it is but cant.

Okay I think I am done my rants.

Totally unhealthy but delicious

2008-05-21T16:04:00.002-07:00

Take some desiccated coconut and cup of condensed milk - the sweet kind.

Mix the coconut with the condensed milk until it forms a ball.

Make them into bite size balls and put in the fridge.

EAT.

It is so unhealthy and so good its not even funny. Its like totally unfair how delicious that tastes.

Damn I feel like eating a billion of those.

2008-05-21T09:40:00.003-07:00

I am getting bigger by the second. Its a bit odd to see yourself when you are pregnant....

I mean, in normal circumstances you would do whatever to stop the accumulating fat. But in this case, you are supposed to keep it up.

Seriously, I am stupidly big and at a point where my belly is always in the way. Even sitting on the couch is a bit of a problem. Forget sleeping. Ever way I turn, my belly seems to be the first one there. And the fact that I cant sleep in the belly itself is more problematic.

I have also started to sleep without any covers. So I am buck naked, with a giant protruding belly and no covers as I freaking hot all the time. Its not like its 20 degrees here. Last night and the day before, it was pouring rain. So its quite cool. But I think the hormones are making me super sensitive to temperature. So if its even a little hot - I am boiling.

Its absurd. And to think that I still have a good 2 months to go. Wow!

We will see what happens. Actually, in a weird way this all quite funny.

More Co-worker

2008-05-14T10:19:00.003-07:00

So my other co-worker, L, the one who married a mexican and whatnot is back.

Apparently, immigration Canada only wants to make the lives of Asians hell cause a guy who was in US federal prison crossed to border with no questions asked.

Yes, both of them made it together and without hitches.

He did almost die when he was in Mexico. He ate some fish and got an allergic reaction and was almost blue by the time the paramedics were called. This meant that L meeting JC's family never happened. They spent a few days in the hospital instead.

After which, they attended L's daughter's wedding and came back.

So all in all it worked out. L is now in the process of sponsoring JC and filling out Immigration forms. Remember I told you that JC is still married and L's marriage is therefore null. Apparently, L is choosing to ignore that tiny bit of information and go on with the sponsorship. Also she wants yours truly to look at that papers!

Yea, she was like - oh you have done this before, you should look at the papers. I didnt say anything as really I do not want to be part of this scheme at all. I have decided that when she is done, if she is done, filling the forms I will simply say - sorry I cant advise you on this - given the complexity and she should get a lawyer to go over the forms.

We will see what happens.

Sick Co-worker.

2008-05-13T09:17:00.003-07:00

My co-worker, G, is like super sick. It started last Thursday, she was coughing like no tomorrow. Her eyes were watering and she looked like death.

I kept telling her go home. As in, go home - you look like hell and I am sure that feels like hell. She kept saying she was getting a ride home (she usually comes by train). Anyways, I got a call from her right now saying that she was taking the week off as her doctor had advised it. She also mentioned, in passing, that she was having nosebleeds and rectal bleeding and her platelet count was low. Her doctor had taken her off all medication and put her on super powerful steroid and that she was hoping to see a hematologist.

Ok, bleeding, low-platelet count and hematologist - all of this sounds pretty damn serious to me. Like I would not bother about work and just sleep.

She was talking about coming to work on Friday as she had things to do. Yes, while she is bleeding out, she is worried about events that need to go on.

Now there is difference between being loyal and getting work done and being just plain stupid. Unfortunately G is plain stupid. She gives herself and her work way too much importance. More than she has ever been given. I feel like telling her this upfront. Of course, I wont. But really when your body is clearly giving to warning signs, you take them and you do stop.

I do hope she will be alright.

In other random work related news, I finally sent my bosses an email outlining when I am taking my vacation and what date I start my mat leave. G, gave her 3.5 months of notice and this started a panic. They are now in the process of hiring a new ED asap. Bad Idea, me thinks. I mean, hire someone, just not in a panic and not b/c they have to. I also blame G, for this as there was no need for her to give notice this far in advance.

Partially I think they are going to make my last few months before mat leave hell. Just b/c they can. Whatever, I am so over this that I literally cannot wait until I am officially on mat leave. I will get bored at home but it will be better than being here. Anything will be better than being here right now.

Thats about all.

2008-05-08T16:05:00.002-07:00

What I remember when I think of home -

The taste of tamarind in my mouth

Stickiness of mangoes

The gritty feeling of mud in my mouth

The heat

The welcome relief of monsoon rains

The smell of sweat when walking in the crowd

The smell of food, perfuming the air

The constant honking of cars passing by

Squealing children

The feeling of being home

The sweat drops on my skin

The way the hair sticks to the back of the neck and the cool feeling when there is a slight breeze

The way my nails are always black by the end of the day

Walking with my sister in the evening, cracking silly jokes, knowing I will have to leave her again, knowing that I wont see her for a few years and pretending at the same time I dont have to go.

Identities

2008-05-08T15:55:00.001-07:00

Someone sent me this - I am posting it here - its beautiful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why I Left Israel, and Why I'm Going Home
By SHARI MOTRO
May 8, 2008; Page A13

Today Israel turns 60. When I was growing up in Herzilya, people celebrated Israel's Independence Day by shooting each other with toy guns that covered the victim with fluorescent string. Later, when I was studying Arabic in Jordan, Palestinians I knew mourned the 1948 war as the Nakba (Arabic for "catastrophe").

Now I live in Virginia, where Israel's birthday is invisible, and this year I mark it by packing. I'm preparing to move back for my sabbatical, preparing to embrace the double life I've been trying to deny since I dodged the draft into the Israeli army 18 years ago.

"Are you excited?" I get asked at least once a week. No, I say, I'm just going home.

I'm going home, and I'm scared. I'm scared not because of Iran's nuclear capability or Hezbollah's Katyushas or Hamas's suicide bombs. These threats are real, but they feel abstract. I'm scared because I'm not sure I can resist absorbing their reverberations, the pent-up aggression that flows like a river through so many daily interactions; the constant noise, the sense that life is a zero-sum game, that the planet is too small for both of us, that your gain is my loss, that listening to your story will erase my own.

When we studied Zionism in high school, I asked my history teacher why Jews have a historical "right" to the land. I could understand saying we had a "connection," but what do we mean when we speak of a "right"? What does that say about the rights of the people who were here before us?

"If you ask such a question," he said, "you shouldn't be here."

So I left.

I left because I wanted to think my own thoughts, to read Socrates and Rousseau and Kierkegaard and ask the "real" questions of existence. I left and I built another life, not as a Jew, not as an Israeli, but as a human being. I left, and (even after returning briefly to Israel after college to complete my military service) I embraced what I imagined America could give me – an identity that was all about the future, all about possibility.

Being American, I imagined, meant that it didn't matter what I came from: that I could shed my grandparents' traumas and my parents' generation's sins; that I could claim America's light without seeing its darkness; that I could take its freedom without its slavery and its Indians.

I was wrong. Slavery is part of my American self just as the Nakba is part of my Israeli self. America has taught me that these truths coexist, and that I can't be a full human being without acknowledging and honoring what I come from. So I'm going home.

I'm going home not because I have a "right" to a home. Lots of people come from nowhere in particular, perhaps from a suburb their family left when they were teenagers, people with free-floating identities I can't ever understand. I'm going home because I happen to have one.

I am blessed to have a home that still exists, a home with parents and sisters whom I love more than I've let them know. I miss them. I miss my family and I miss my childhood friends. I miss the dust and the sun, the warm salty Mediterranean, watermelon with Bulgarian cheese, droopy Eucalyptus branches and their brittle leaves crackling underfoot.

I miss Hebrew – rough, jagged, unforgiving Hebrew. When I hear it, an invisible film between me and the world dissolves. I come from a place – from streets I remember when they were still unpaved, from the house where I lost my first tooth, from the beachside terrace where my grandmother taught me how to tell time, from the cemetery where we buried her.

I didn't choose these places, and I didn't expel anybody. But that doesn't change the fact that my joy is someone else's pain. My home is someone else's home, a home they can't return to, because of me. I can't reconcile this, but running from it doesn't reconcile it either.

One of the Palestinian women I knew in Jordan believed that the Quran predicts the Jewish State will be destroyed and the Palestinians restored to their land. When I told her that in addition to being American I was also Israeli, and that I had served in the army, she was shocked. She liked me, and it took her a few moments to absorb that I could be this terrible thing.

I assured her that I enlisted after dodging the draft only so I could see my family, and that I had no intention of living in Israel again. She thought about it, and finally said something I didn't fully understand until now, 10 years later. I'm so sad for you, she said, to have to live so far from your family.

She could feel both things at the same time: She could pray for Israel's destruction and also hope that I might find a way home.

2008-05-06T11:07:00.004-07:00

I feel awful. I barely slept all night.

I wish I could talk to someone, anyone who can understand.

J is completely pissed off at me for saying I didnt want a big shabang for the godh bharai (indian baby shower). He said that I have been super negative about this whole baby thing. Everything I have said and done so far has been negative - he said. I agree. I wanted a small ceremony and then a big thing when the baby was born. I said that but that has fallen off the way side.

It is true I was negative. I didnt mean it to be but it I came off as negative. My intention has been opposite. I wanted to make him feel included but apparently did the opposite. He mentioned things like me being a vegetarian and how I chose not to eat meat while I am pregnant and I didnt even know this was supposed to be a discussion topic. When we first found out about the pregnancy I was freaking out about the whole delivery thing. I mentioned to the midwife that I wanted an epidural cause I was freaked out. Over time I had a chance to read things, calm down and I changed my mind. I told this to the midwife - and Jitesh was pissed off for me doing that.

I didnt mean to leave him out - I didnt know this was such a big deal. He was the one who was pissed off for me choosing to take medication and when I changed my mind, I thought that is what he wanted. Apparently not.

He has been excited about the baby. I have been too. But I worry over things. I worry over every little minute thing and whenever I say anything, I come off as negative. He wanted to buy furniture for the baby and I said we should wait, he said he wanted to know the sex of the baby I said I didnt but he could if he wanted to, he wanted a changing table, I pointed out we have no place for it. Things like that. You can see how everything I said - must have been crushing and negative. Yet, that was not my intention.

I have said all of this to him. But I dont know what to do anymore. He said he doesnt care about me or the baby. I am fine about him not caring about me (I kind of deserve that) - but the baby?

I really am at loss as to what to say and what to do. I registered online he hasnt even seen what is on the registry - he hasnt picked anything for the baby, he rarely if ever talks to the baby. I get he is angry and I get that is my fault but I just wish he wouldnt take it out on an unborn child. I feel so alone right now. I literally have no one to talk to, I have no one to turn to. If my parents were in the same continent at least I would be able to go over there. I have no one.

I have hurt the one person I didnt want to hurt. All I wanted was to keep him included and be happy. This pregnancy has been nothing but worrisome. I talked to my mil. I apologized for being negative and bitchy about this event. She was good. She understood why I wanted certain ppl not to be there. I just wish I could take all this back and do things all over again. But I cant.

I really dont know what to do.

Why do I screw up every single time? I am tired of screwing up. I dont want to anymore. I just want to be happy for once. I want J to be happy and I do nothing but bring him misery.

i want to take all the hurt back, I want him to be happy and not be afraid of buying things for the baby or buying a camcorder or whatever. I never said he couldnt do that, but he pointed out that there are other things I said that came off as negative. I wasnt trying to be negative. I merely being practical. We dont have place for a changing table, I have never wanted to know the sex of the baby, but time and again, I said - J should go ahead. He wanted both of us to know. I just dont know how to correct this wrong.

Things I crave

2008-05-02T09:37:00.001-07:00

Milk

and

Bananas

Pregnancy: things no one tells you.

2008-05-02T09:21:00.003-07:00

I need a live-in masseuse.

Like someone who can start massaging me on demand. Anytime of the day.

In fact, I need to have an entourage that has a professional masseuse and a cook.

The whole pregnancy (and motherhood) thing is making me respect my mom at a completely different level. Seriously, pregnancy is the most uncomfortable, painful and sleep-deprived phase of a woman's life. I am always uncomfortable. Doesnt matter where or what I am doing. The only time I feel comfortable is in the swimming pool. I am at a point where I have seriously considered living in a swimming pool 24/7.

Even when I am in the pool I have to get out (let me tell you its not easy with a giant stomach) to go and pee atleast every 20 minutes.

Then there is the gas and bloating. I feel so unattractive as it is but the gas and bloating and constant runs to the washroom dont help. Nevermind having to get up and out of the couch takes a good minute.

And then there is heartburn. I feel like living on liquid tums. Just keep taking them every 10 minutes.

Pain - there is always some ache or pain. Doesnt matter what I do. Either my stomach hurts or my boobs hurt or my shoulder hurts. Freaking hell.

Not to mention the inevitable pain of labour.

And I cant sleep. I keep waking up - either to pee or just cause. Bless the baby cause it rarely wakes me up. But I am always up. Then I get out of bed, go to the washroom and come back and fall. I will then stare in the blank space ahead of me waiting for sleep to come.

Of course, during the day I am exhausted.

Seriously, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am not going to be getting that much sleep when the baby comes...

I am actually starting to panic a bit here. I mean, there is so much to do and I keep having this feeling that the baby is going to come before the due date. I just have a feeling it will be early cause it will have had enough of growing within the womb. Already, the kicks feel like its trying to kick my stomach down and get out and get on with life. God.

Anyhoo, these are things they dont tell you about pregnancy. I really do have a whole new level of respect for my momma. Man, the things she would have gone through.

Ok, now my eyes closing - I have to perk myself up and out of the sleep mode. Wish me luck.

2008-04-30T09:06:00.002-07:00

Ok, I know I havent been blogging all that much. Its b/c my co-worker, L is out of town. When she is around, she provides me with enough distraction that I usually have to blog....With her gone, I actually get work done.

Ok, thats a stupid lame excuse. I am just soooooooo tired all the freaking time.

Anyhoo, so my other co-worker, G, is a worry wort. She freaks out easily. With L gone, and my impending mat leave - she is freaking out about who will do all the work I do.

I told her, its not her problem. All she has to do is tell the bosses, my job is not her job and leave it at that. The concept of saying no doesnt occur to her. It is like speaking a different language all together. So in her freak out - she told the president that she is planning to retire soon. I think its a stupid mistake. I have been telling her to take her vacation, get paid out for all the overtime and give them at the max a month's notice. She has given them 3.5 month's notice.

Completely stupid if you ask me. She doesnt owe them that. They have treated all staff like crap. We are treated as a lowly office worker. No decisions are run by us, we arent even asked for some of the stuff that we know that would actually save the bosses some time and a lot of money.

G feels its her obligation to tell them she is leaving. She feels very loyal to the place and all that. Which is fine. But, she wont get paid for her vacation or any overtime. She is leaving mid-August b/c she thinks she has be around till the new ED is hired - cause how can a new ED cope with new responsibilities without me not being here.

I told her, I had told them in December that I would taking mat leave in July. They have had all this time to hire someone and understand labour relations. The whole point of me telling them was so that they would not be in the position they are in right now. They didnt hire anyone and whats more, they tried to change my work contract after finding out about my pregnancy. G knows all of this but....

What is worse is that her back is worse than it was. She has herniated 2 of her disks in the spinal cord, she is 60+ and she doesnt take the time to actually heal. I have told her and so has her friends that this is not something that will go away. She really needs to take it slow and just get better. She just doesnt get it.

It sucks, cause frankly, its not my problem. I do worry about her as I do quite like her. But there is only so much you can say and do. So I am just going to leave it.

Doldrums.

2008-04-23T09:26:00.002-07:00

Something is up.

I have had a few tantrums about the upcoming baby shower that is being thrown by mil and one which I am being forced to partake in.

Whatever, I have made my peace with it and frankly I have other things to worry about. I have moved on.

My sis-in-law has graciously offered to help. She sent me an email about how this might be a bit difficult for me and all. I sent her one back saying I do appreciate everything she is doing and basically, I am aware I have had a few tantrums but at the same time - I have had to do that to make it clear that things have to change around here and mil cannot and will not have her way every single time.

I have had no response from her at all.

No emails back. This is when I am trying to get things sorted for the damned baby shower that I dont want, organize a henna party that I dont care or want and make sure my in-laws 40th wedding anniversary is celebrated.

I have emailed her several times asking her opinion on various things, including the in-laws wedding anniversary and what I need to do, without any response. Which I guess is fine.

I just hate it when someone is passive aggressive. I have blogged about this in the past. That is my one pet peeve. I'd much rather have her say "Fuck you, who do you think you are" rather than play this cat and mouse game. I dont have the time, the energy, the inclination or the need to be part of this.

Oh, BTW, between the time I sent her the email and today - I have met her twice and she was fine. She was talking like a normal person and there were no crazy vibes that would even suggest something was wrong. Except that critical things that I ask her about get ignored.

So I think something is up. I just wish I was told what that is and we could move on. Instead of this.

Co-worker

2008-04-17T11:55:00.002-07:00

My co-worker is crazy.

The receptionist, L, is always stuck her cell and it rings loudly like once an hour every hour.

Plus she screams when she talks. She screams when she is on her cell, she is always loud when she is talking to my other co-worker, G and she is screaming on the phone when she is talking to someone she knows.

So really, everything she talks about I know. I know that her daughter is dropping her off at the airport when she goes to Mexico. I dont need to know that but how do I know - cause she was screaming her head off.

This morning she was talking so loudly that I had shut my office door to write an email cause she was talking really loudly to her bro, who was inquiring about her going the airport.

Its getting a bit much now. I have thought to tell her to stop with the crazy cell phone chats and stuff but have not done so cause I wont her here in July and dont really care all that much.

My other co-worker G, is a bit crazy. She is bossy but has a great heart and I do love her a lot. She is blindly loyal to this place we call work. G is 60 and has a screwed up back but continues to slog at work cause she feels its her duty. I think its a bit much since I do think she needs to take care of herself and her health and forget everything else for now. I mean at 60 you are hardly the healthy horse you once were and things take longer to heal.

Its nutty.

Argh

2008-04-15T09:35:00.002-07:00

Freaking headache from hell.

Go away.

Anyways, in other random news - I am starving and would like something delicious and not healthy.

Like I have a pear sitting on my desk but I dont want to eat it. I want a blueberry scone or a chocolate croissant.

But cant. So wont and will sulk.

Kick

2008-04-14T10:18:00.003-07:00

So J felt the baby kick last night and his first words where "Oh god! This is freaky".

Which really is freaky when you think of it. I mean when else would you have something kicking you from the inside?

And really in any other circumstance something kicking you from the inside would not be a good thing.

So it was funny but cute.

Anyways, we are slowing getting ready for the baby. I spent the entire weekend sorting through my clothes and putting them away and cleaning out closets and such. So we have some more space to work with.

I have to put together this Ikea cupboard and then we can buy baby stuff.

I also have to register as I have nothing baby related - you this being my first baby and stuff!

So I have a whole bunch of things to do and not enough time. Never enough time!

2008-04-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

I saw 'In Bruges' yesterday.

It is a must see. Its pretty nutty and wacky movie.

I feel guilty

2008-04-03T08:55:00.004-07:00

I feel so guilty for having these thoughts, but I have them and there is nothing I can do.

My parents are planning on coming here from India for the birth of their grandchild. I dont want them to come.

Mainly, b/c I dont have a house for them to stay in. We live in an apmt and its barely big enough for the two of us. So that is out of question. Besides even if my mom could stay there, I dont want her to - as J sometimes has weird tantrums about nothing at all and I dont want to subject her to it.

So, the only alternative is if they do come, they will stay with my in-laws in their 3 storey house. I dont want them to be there. I know my mil well enough. She is sugary sweet on the face and bitches and complains to anyone who will hear. I dont my parents there but have no alternative.

My parents are simple people. Very straight forward, no unnecessary drama and more than anything no interpersonal politics. My mil is the complete opposite. She can be very manipulative and very underhanded. I say this b/c she has done this to me and I have seen her do this to others. I dont want to put my parents in that situation.

All this would not even be a problem, if we had more space. My parents could stay with us and I could keep the tension to a minimum. God, I feel like a loser. I just hate having to depend on the one person I dont fully trust.

I think last weekend my mil called my parents and apparently kept boasting about her 3 storey house to them. Told them, come over, I have a big house, its empty, what I am going to use this big house for and on and on and on.

My parents live in a one bedroom apmt in Bombay. Its pretty standard for most families to live this way. To call them and tell them all of this is a bit insensitive. Whats more, is that the last time my in-laws were there, my parents went out of their way to make her comfortable in our house. Gave her the bedroom, took her for an all paid trip and so on. I just wish I could simply tell my mil what I really think of her w/o all the drama that would ensue.

So anyways. I feel guilty about wishing that my parents dont get the visitors visa to come here. Besides, its their hard earned money that they would spend to come all the way here and then it wouldnt even be a holiday as they would have a crying baby to take care of. They are excited to meet the baby and that is expected. I just wish for once that I could afford to bring them here and provide them with a drama-free space to stay.

I sometimes hate being myself.

2008-04-02T11:29:00.001-07:00

You Are Coffee Ice Cream

Energetic and lively, you are always on the go.

You're doing a million things at once and doing them well.

You tend to motivate others and raise spirits.

You are most compatible with chocolate ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

2008-03-31T10:42:00.002-07:00

Here is what IMDB has to say on Myers new movie....

Actor Mike Myers has sparked controversy in Hindu communities for "lampooning" the religion in his new movie The Love Guru. The 44-year-old plays Guru Pitka in the upcoming film and repeats the mantra of Mariska Hargitay - inspired by the American actress - as his calming technique. But Hindu leader Rajan Zed has accused Myers of stereotyping the culture, adding the movie "appears to be lampooning Hinduism and Hindus." Studio Paramount Pictures has agreed to a preview of the movie for Hindu leaders prior to its release. A spokesman says, "Love Guru, which is not yet complete, is a satire created in the same spirit as Austin Powers. It is our full intention to screen the film for Rajan Zed and other Hindu leaders once it is ready."

Here is my cents -

It mentions "Hindu Communities" I would like to know which one. See here it seems like all us Hindus are against the movie. Moreover, it seems that Hindu Communities - seems to include all those hindus! WTF?

"Hindu leader Rajan Zed..." -I would like to know who this Rajan guy is and why IMDB has made him a leader of all hindus. Just wondering. Cause you know, its not we have a pope or anything but it does sound like the IMDB ppl believe that we are united under the leadership of this one crazy Rajan guy. Also studios screening movies for Hindu leaders sounds like they are trying to appease one crazy group who happen to be Hindus. Thats like trying to make one group of ppl happy bc they are crazy and they happen to all be left handed.

I also wonder why we as Hindus get so much flak. I mean its not like we force conversion on ppl or go out imposing our beliefs on others. Most of the times that doesnt happen. Yes, there are a few fanatics out there, like the BJP in India going all loco - but really, most of the times we just do our thing and be ourselves.

I think Mike Myers film will be funny. I mean I am just saying given some of his past movies. Besides, we all know there are enough crazy sex obsessed gurus out there who are out to get your money. So making fun of them - in a light hearted comedy wont kill anyone. I am certainly sure, Myers wasnt thinking "oh yea, I guess I should piss off a bunch of ppl, now maybe lets target those hindu gurus out there".

I do say all this recognizing that there are serious religious gurus out there and not all are fakes. No disrespect to them. Also, I think that IMDB running a story the way they are doing is stupid and that at least they should have some courtesy to read up on hinduism before calling some crazy guy a hindu leader.

Just sayin.

2008-03-28T13:45:00.002-07:00

Random list -

I am feeling

a) very tired as I didnt sleep well last night
b) cold as it is now snowing and freaking cold
c) like I should gobble a pastry or something such to make me wake up
d) bored out of my head as I all want to do is sleep. Work doesnt seem interesting
e) stressed with random things that I cant do much about
f) missing J, cause he has been working like crazy but I cant tell him that cause I dont want make him feel guilty.
g) generally uncomfortable as my belly gets bigger - there is a lot more pressure on everything that sits below the belly
h) missing home and my mom. I want to hug her and sleep in her lap
i) bored again.

Okay have a good weekend.

Freaking pregnancy!

2008-03-27T08:58:00.003-07:00

Damn this freaking pregnancy!

I am getting what they call "pregnancy mask."

Its bad enough getting everything else associated with being pregnant but my face! Oh, my face.

co-worker gossip

2008-03-26T09:30:00.002-07:00

So, my other co-worker (lets call her G) and myself were talking about L. G is a kindly elderly woman who will go out of her way to please someone. I like her a lot actually.

Anyhoo, we were talking about L and JC and I think G hates the fact that JC calls L pretty much every hour. Her cell goes off and then she is on with him about how much she loves him and all that. I guess the honeymoon isnt over yet. Good for them.

So G wanted to mention to L that maybe she shouldn't take JC with her to Mexico for her daughter's wedding as he might not be able to come back. I personally dont care, but do agree with G. L is even more convinced that she should fly to Mexico for her daughter's wedding.

Something tells me this is not going to end well.

First of all, L is bi-polar. She is on medication and is pretty good about taking the medication. But, I can see how she doesnt see things the way G and myself do. Secondly, L is not rich. She lives off her income here and going to Mexico for her daughter's wedding. Partly, L and JC are going to Mexico to meet JC's family there. Something tells me that L wont end up meeting JC's family. I am convinced there is something more there that JC hasnt mentioned to L. Anyways, so they are both flying to Mexico and going all over to meet the family and such. They are also living in a resort for a few days. All this is being paid for by L. She has taken out a loan for this trip. This means that she owes the bank money for her trip to Mexico, JC's trip up here and her dental costs. I think she is biting on more than she can chew.

She still has to start the immigration process. I think JC should pay at least a part of the immigration fees. I dont think that is going to happen.

We will see. She goes away in April.

2008-03-25T09:34:00.003-07:00

I have had 4 fabulous days off. It was nice.

I only got to hang out with J for the first 2 as he had to work but it was good.

I lost my cell and some guy found it. Anyways, it was a bit of a panic but apparently it is all good. I dont have it yet, its at my in-laws place as the guy was closer to their home than mine.

Other than that, we made some Ikea furniture in prep for the July arrival on Friday. It was fine. No biggie.

On Saturday, we were at home just lazing around. Actually J was watching the NCAA championship thingys. So most of the day was gone there.

On Sunday, J went to work, I cleaned and both of us went over to my in-laws.

Yesterday, I was at home cleaning, organizing, doing laundry and such and J was at work.

I did pass out on the couch for an hour and half - which was interesting. I was watching TV and decided that I should have nap or a cat nap, if you will. Next thing I know, its almost 4 in the afternoon and I was starving (a common thing these days). Oh well.

It was a restful weekend so that was good. Rarely do I wake up after a weekend when some energy. Today I did - which was a nice change.

Holi

2008-03-20T10:08:00.001-07:00

Holi is on 22nd of March. It is my favourite holiday. It involves throwing water balloons and colours at each other.

The embedded video shows what holi is all about. Its about being a child for one day!

Pregnancy

2008-03-19T09:01:00.002-07:00

It almost feels like being pregnant has brought me and J even closer.

I actually thought it would be the other way around - but we both seem to enjoy just being together. This was always the case. In fact, for the 8 years we have been married - we were apart the 1 year as I was in India, waiting to immigrate to Canada and he was here.

Ever since I made it, as I was walking out of the customs, I got hit by this massive hug. It was J. I didnt even see him coming and since that day, we havent been apart (except for a few weeks where I was traveling or such). I am always happy to see him.

I thought being pregnant might change that. But we are like two peas in a pod, with a baby pea in between.

The sex has really diminished though. I am always so tired that by the time 10pm hits I am passing out. J has also been working like crazy. We do spend much of Saturday/Sunday afternoon in bed when J isnt working.

What is also getting in the way of actual sex is my stomach. Its only 5 months and all positions are extremely uncomfortable. I dont know how the last few months will go.

In any case, its fun being pregnant partially b/c of all that it entails but also b/c J gets a kick out of seeing me naked with my big belly. So its working out for the parties most involved and I guess thats just fine.

2008-03-18T10:54:00.003-07:00

Ok time for co-worker gossip.

So my receptionist (lets call her L) who married JC, from Mexico recently went into details about their marriage.

Here is a bit of timeline so this makes sense -

August 2006 - she was in Mexico working at the mission for about 3 weeks.

Just before she left she was on a crazy Dr. Bernstein diet that made her loose 40 pounds in 2 months or something crazy.

Anyhoo, for the 3 weeks she was in Mexico she met JC and hit it off.

She came back and announced she had met someone and was going to go back to Mexico for Christmas. Meanwhile, talking to JC on the phone everyday. JC speaks English but has a limited knowledge of it.

Then, after I came back from my vacation in November - she announces that JC was coming here instead of her going there. I thought it was a bit odd. She was like, oh, the mission had closed down (which it has) and he was coming up here to meet her and spend time.

Now, both are born again Christians so they wouldnt live together unless they were married. She sends him money to get his passport and for the flight. He was coming up here start of December and she had decided that the day he showed up - they would get married.

She had already applied for the marriage license and stuff.

Between the time she announced he was coming up here (start of November) and he showed up (Start of Dec)- she had asked him to get a copy of his divorce papers. You see, apparently JC had been married in the past and had at least one child who is now in college. He was also a drug dealer and was in jail. He had told all of this to her before they decided to get married. Which is fine. Whatever.

Anyhoo, he shows up at Vancouver airport and is questioned by the immigration officials. He tells them the truth about his past and the fact that Jesus was the saviour and he had left that life behind. Lo and behold, he is given a visa to stay in Canada for 6 months.

Now, he is here, they get married the same day and L is now a married woman.

End of December, is the staff Christmas party and there are 3 of us. We were supposed to go to this restaurant that L was looking forward to. We show up and there was a message from L saying she is too sick to make it. We have a grand time and dont think much of this.

Start of January, she says she has been thinking about sponsoring JC for awhile and I tell her from personal experience that immigration takes about a year and she should apply asap. She kept telling me she needs to talk to a lawyer and needs the funds. All very valid but still, I say "dont delay otherwise - he has to leave the country in 6 months." She keeps telling yes, will do.

Fast forward to present - she has to go to Mexico for her daughter's wedding. She gets the tix in order and decides that both her and JC will go back to Mexico and he will come back into Canada the same way he did last time. Except there is nothing saying that he will get the visa and he will get an officer who takes his past lightly.

So last week, we were just discussing the fact that she has to apply for his immigration. She mentions that apparently, last christmas, she found out that he wasnt divorced yet. Apparently his divorce isnt finalized yet. He is still married to the woman in Mexico and the papers he gave her were just the papers filed to ask for a divorce. He did not know that he wasnt divorced. Which I find to be far fetched. How do you not know you are divorced or not?

Anyways, L is under the impression that her marriage to JC is still valid. Which apparently is not the case. Her marriage becomes void.

What is all the more interesting in this story is that JC seems to be an extremely possessive guy. He calls her at least 5 times a day. Her cell goes off all the time and if she doesnt answer he will immediately call on the office line.

There have been two separate occasions where he has called and asked me or my other co-worker if L is infact attending an event or a meeting as she had said she was. Like calling and asking for L and then when we say oh she is out, he will ask if she is attending the earthquake safety meeting? Both me and my co-worker find this very odd. I mean, the woman got you here, she is paying for everything - food, clothes, she bought him an ipod for Christmas - (I cant afford one so how she did that I dont know.) and she is going to apply for immigration.

The other thing is that L has been married in the past. In fact, this is her 5th marriage. She is also always complaining that she has put back the pounds she lost. She is also always complaining that JC eats too much, he takes up too much space and so on.

Oh, one other thing, I dont know if its related since the time she has been married to JC - she has been constantly sick. Like something or the other is wrong. She is always getting crazy coughs and feeling horrible. Yesterday, she was telling me she gets shingles everything she strains her body. Something odd is going on.

I just hope this one turns out okay.

2008-03-17T10:43:00.001-07:00

La la lala lalala lala la la

Will not go crazy, la la la

Do you ever sing the la la song when you trying not to go crazy?

I am right now.

Its all good. My carrot on the stick is little jublet. Nothing else matters...

2008-03-13T17:01:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I dont believe how intolerant people can be.

I think its fine if other people around you are intolerant but if its your own parents - it can kill you.

I also dont understand how some parents can think of hurting their children emotionally and physically. I think physical scars go away but the emotional one remain and just stay there if they dont get deeper.

i think a lot of people dont realize what it is to not have children. To not have the joy of someone young and innocent who you can share the world with. I mean, there are people out there who would give everything just to have a child - biological or adopted, black or white or brown, girl or boy, straight or gay, a normal healthy child or one with some problems. Whatever - they will take it. And then there are idiots who dont get it. Who are blessed with babies and dont realize what it means. We have had at least one case in Vancouver where the father killed his three year old daughter b/c she was a girl. Yes, he was brown. I dont think or care what his justification was to do that - I dont care what he thought he was entitled to - what he did was wrong.

Then there are parents who force their gay children to be straight or who force kids to be lawyers when they want to be dancers. It just doesnt end. And I think that a person can expect and maybe live with all of this if only it werent their parents. It is all the more harder to accept yourself - when your own parents dont get it.

It breaks my heart. I know people who dont have kids and trust me, they would do anything to get one. Anyone. They dont care what the kids looks like, what it eats, what music the kids likes. A kid is all they want. And then I know assholes who should not have kids.

I hate...

2008-03-11T10:47:00.002-07:00

my work.

I do. I think that much is clear to anyone/everyone.

I keep getting asked to do things that I have no experience in and have no desire to do as - I dont get paid to do it.

I am now getting asked to do things that our lawyers are supposed to do. I dont get paid to do it. I should refuse but a) cant risk getting fired b) it will be good experience albeit I dont like being taken advantage of.

I cannot wait until July seriously, I want to focus of what is important and work is not important to me. My little baby is...and I dont get the time to enjoy or focus on that b/c of all the crap around me. This includes but is not limited to work. Seriously, I just wish I could be in a bubble and enjoy myself and my baby and everything around me is making me not enjoy it and it is driving me crazy.

Anyhoo, I have too many worries and not enough energy to be a full person that everyone expects me to be. I always feel like I am running on low battery due to the sheer physical and emotional drain from everything that is happening.

To add to all of this, my mil is talking to ppl in India who have called my parents asking them to talk to me re: baby shower. I dont need this.

I dont think mil gets that. I think she is so used to throwing a drama/tantrum when she doesnt get her way that she is doing so right now without thinking of what I want and what I might be going through. We have even told her our financial troubles, my job situation and all she insinuated was that I was being negative and all I needed to do was be positive and all would be well. Where the fuck did that come from? I dont know if she thinks I am making all this up (my work problems).

Anyways, I am just too tired of all this and want to leave. I want to hide in a bubble. I am actually going to avoid going over - b/c I cant take the drama and actually think that I will lose it and say something awful.

As for my work - I am going to try and take one thing at a time and hope it works and if it doesnt it doesnt and there is nothing I can do.

Work

2008-03-07T09:14:00.002-08:00

My coworker (the receptionist) is sick. Like coughing every five minutes, sniffling, looking like crap sick.

Her voice has changed due to the cold or whatever she has.

This has been going on for the past week. I have told her - to go home.

Go home and rest.

She looks and sounds like she needs the sleep.

She refuses to go home. I dont know why.

She keeps working or rather being on the phone all day talking to her daughters, her husband and whatever other agency she is tracking down this week.

I dont care how she spends her time but it does seem to me that she can do all of this at home - while not sleeping.

I want her to leave as I dont want to catch anything.

I have told her this.

She knows I am pregnant and cant really take any medications.

She doesnt leave.

What do I do?

I wanted to call a cab, take her downstairs and put her in it and send her off. Unfortunately she is bigger than me. I will never succeed....

I am getting desperate.

HELP.

Random

2008-03-06T09:33:00.001-08:00

Food

I love beans. As a vegetarian they are life savers.

But I HATE red kidney beans.

They suck.

Random

2008-03-05T08:59:00.004-08:00

OK time again for random crap that comes my way.

Princesses

Okay the two women I work with are total princesses. One of them the receptionist who is married to the Mexican guy she had just met comes into my office today and tells me the new temp we hired forgot to do a few things she had asked her to do. I ask what? She says she had asked the temp to put a folder on her desk and she didn't. Which sounds absurd to me. Like why cant you pick it up and put it on your desk? I think its cause the receptionist was on the lowest scale until now. Now she has someone to boss over.

The other one - who does events - is a total princess. She doesn't drink water from the glasses we have at work b/c in her words "they are not sterilized". I think that's a bit much. Its not like I use the glass and drink water and rub it in mud and put it back! I mean they are washed and if they are good enough for me and the receptionist - this woman should be able to use them. No, she is not germophobic - she is a princess. Its gotten to a point that we order bottled water so princess can use the bottle when she wants to drink water. Her husband is retired and at home and so she will write him down tasks she wants him to do when she is away at work. Which I think is bossy - but whatever. She can do what she wants in her personal life.

This one time - both of them made the poor guy delivering catering to an event - drive all the way back to office - which is about 45 mins drive to pick up a pair of tongs. It was a Saturday - he had to call his manager who had to drive from his house to the place to give us tongs. I felt bad for the guy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, my mil called to discuss dates of the baby shower with me. I dint give a crap so I couldn't care less. Plus, I was eating dinner after walking home from work, doing laundry and making dinner - i.e. I was exhausted. So she is going on about the dates and such and how it would be great to have my mom there and all. She knows for my mom to be here - it will be difficult. She should know better and no go on and on about it. Maybe she meant in a good way - I'll give her the benefit of doubt.
Anyhoo, I ask her who is planning to call and she mentions something about my cousin sister from California. I tell no don't do that. I mean if you invite someone - they will feel compelled to come whether they want to, whether they can afford it. Its as simple as that. Plus, mil doesn't really like any of the family she is not directly related to(read blood related). So previously when my cousin had visited she complained about it for days.

So I say "you can invite 20 people to this thing. Any 20-pick them - if there are any more that 20 ppl I will leave" (Partly, b/c I know if say 20 she will stop at 30). She is pissed off. Says something like "I have to have this shower as if I don't ppl will say I didn't do anything for my daughter in law". That is insulting to me. Its different if she wants to have it - but don't just have it b/c you are afraid what ppl blabber. I tell her "Fine don't have it. I don't care". I think that pissed her off even more. Maybe I shouldn't have said it - but really I am tired of her passive aggressive games. She hung up after that.

We'll see what happens.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

J is sick. Yesterday he comes home with puppy look in his eyes and says "I dont feel well - I am sick". He did look like crap but its funny how men are so different from women. I mean I dont get time off from doing household things when I am sick. I still cook and clean and everything else.

Things are a bit different now with pregnancy but the general expectation is still the same. If I dont cook - there is nothing to eat and we cant afford to eat out and J comes home pretty late somedays. So I cook whether I feel like crap or not.

I am not bitching or anything. I just think its funny. Sick in men terms is something completely different than sick in female terms.

Cow phase.

2008-03-04T09:22:00.003-08:00

So I have renamed my pregnancy phase as cow phase of my life.

I look and feel like a cow. I think one of the hardest things about pregnancy for most women would be the weight gain. Its that time of your life when you know you will add pounds and there is little you can or should do about it.

It doesnt help that now being a yummy mummy is expected from every woman out there. I think pregnancy is hard enough without having that added extra pressure of having to look hot and sexy. Believe me there is nothing sexy about pregnancy - what with all the stretch marks, itchy skin, weight gain, swollen ankles and I could go on...but you get the picture.

J is super supportive and I know he means every word of support when he says it. It is still hard. I love him to bits.

However, I do look and feel like a cow. This I am okay with. I was very much aware of what this entails so thats not what I am ranting about. I am ranting about the photographic evidence of my cow phase. I dont need any.

I went over to one of J's cousin's place and a bunch of decided to make sushi. Making sushi was a disaster. But there are tonnes of pictures taken of the event and one of them is mine - making me look just horrible. I look like a cow. Not kidding. The pictures are posted on facebook and I have since asked the person who put them up to delete my picture.

Now, its fine that I look like a cow but there is no need for photographic evidence. Its like j suggested that we have a professional photographer take pictures of me when I am nine months preggers and my reply was "I will look like a giant cow why would I want to immortalize that?" Really, why?

You can take all the pictures you want but there are some rules -

Pregnancy pictures should only be for you and your very immediate family.
Photos of mother-to-be should not be randomly circulated
They should not be posted on public website without the consent of the mother-to-be
Bad pictures should be deleted immediately if asked
Immediate post delivary photos of the new mother, with hair all over, tired look in the eyes and new baby should not be mass-emailed without consent from the mother.

Basically, dont do anything that the mother-to-be or the new mother doesnt approve. Period.

Pregnancy dos and donts.

2008-03-03T10:30:00.002-08:00

I am convinced that people writing pregnancy books and other materials are either men or women who have never had children or had children so long ago that they dont remember a thing about it.

Case in point - sleeping during pregnancy.

Most pregnancy websites and books claim that -

"Although there's no real harm in sleeping on your right side, lying on your left side is actually good for you and your baby: It improves the flow of blood and nutrients to the placenta and it helps your kidneys efficiently eliminate waste products and fluids from your body. That, in turn, reduces swelling in your ankles, feet, and hands. If you train yourself to sleep on your left side early on, you'll have an easier time falling asleep when your belly is bulging later. During the second half of pregnancy, avoid sleeping on your back, a position that puts the full weight of your uterus on your spine, back muscles, intestines, and the inferior vena cava (the vein that transports blood from your lower body to the heart). Back-sleeping can also put you at risk for backaches and hemorrhoids, inefficient digestion, and impaired breathing and circulation. Lying on your back in the second and third trimester can also cause changes in blood pressure. For some women, it can cause a drop in blood pressure that can make them feel dizzy; for others, it can cause an unwanted increase in blood pressure."

I have just cut and pasted one the most common responses. Now if I were to follow this advice - I would only sleep on my left side. That is it. No back sleeping and no sleeping on the right side. Forget the stomach for obvious reasons.

That is crap.

Total BS!

I dont understand why there is not much information out there about what to do if you cannot just sleep on the left side. What should a pregnant sleep deprived woman do.

Yes, I havent slept well in like ages. I am so tired and sleep deprived its not even fair. I try to sleep on my left and right side. But wake up with a sore neck and horrible - read - H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E - sore ears and can hear my heart pounding. I just want to sleep. This morning after months of trying to sleep in my side with various pillows supporting my boobs, my ass, my stomach, my legs, my shoulder and any other imaginable support deprived part of my body - I gave up. I just gave up.

I slept on my back and it was glorious. Unfortunately, I think it must have been like 6 when I just gave up because the alarm went off and I have to crawl out of bed. J has given up on trying to be at work on time. Poor soul takes the necessary pity on me and drops me off work - because I just cant manage anything these days! He has actually taken to waking up before me and getting dressed before I am even done shower. That is a definate sign he has given up on having a normal life. I feel bad.

Anyhoo, back to my ranting. Yea, so when you havent slept all that much and all the information out there tells you only what to do without actually explaining why or the consequences or how to cope when you cant do what has been asked to do - I feel like screaming. Its almost like these people giving advice never had to carry a child or dont remember what it was like in the first place.

Damn them.

random

2008-02-29T09:12:00.003-08:00

I love waffles. My new love is having some warm waffles with whipped cream (no sugar) and slices of freshly cut oranges on top.

It tastes lovely. Better than any maple syrup or butter or anything else. Of course fresh fruit is always better than canned or preserved fruit but seriously try the oranges with whipped cream. It is so simple yet delicious.

~~~~~~~~

I cant believe that the baby will arrive in 4 months. When we found out we were pregnant I was like oh my god - 8 months go and now its like 4 months and boom - we will be there!

I have to do so many things before then though. Like redo the bedroom in a way that we can fit a crib in there and so on. I mean, I live in a one bedroom place. It is small but I think for the first half of the baby's life we can survive. Only problem is we need to buy another closet to put baby stuff in and buy a new mattress for us. We were going to buy a king size bed but decided against it as there is no place. So we buy a decent mattress for the queen size we have and if we move things around - it should be fine.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Also, J is like "I cant change diapers". He said this after knowing for 4 months that we are going to have a baby which will only do one of these things - poop, cry, sleep and eat. Since I have to be there to be a milk cow for the child and carry it in me for 9 months and have to think about pushing it out of me - he has to change the diapers. I told him - he has no say. Its non-negotiable. Anyways, he was freaking out a bit about the thought of changing diapers and I am thinking - "Buddy, changing diapers is the easiest of the tasks compared to what I have to go through". I am hoping he will make peace with this by the time baby comes. If not, I think I might just loose it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mil is going crazy. She is very superstitious and super duper religious. One does not automatically come with the other but in her case they go together. So, she can be pretty annoying at times when she says things like "oh we are not telling anyone you are pregnant as something might happen". I get that line of thought when I was in my first trimester but now, its like obvious. I have a belly. I also feel wierd about it as my parents have been telling anyone who will listen that they will be grand parents. It almost feels like my in-laws are trying to hide something.

The other thing is my in-laws lived either in India or Fiji before moving to Canada. So they are used to tropical temperatures and keep the house at like 25 degrees all the time. Like all the time. So as soon as you enter you have to remove a few layers just to function. So, the other day we were visiting them and someone comes over - just to visit them. And I kid you not - she comes running to me with the biggest, thickest, black jacket she can find. It was big and thick and she tells me to wear it. Like she is holding the jacket open for me and telling me "oh maybe you should put this on". I looked at her like she is crazy and actually could not say anything b/c my mind was blank. Anyways, she is like "oh put it on". I said - "no - I am not wearing that and I am leaving" I also told her that she might want to tell other people that I am pregnant. At which she says, oh these people already know.

I give her a look and J is looking at her as if she is crazy. We then figure out why she wanted me to wear the jacket - b/c she thinks my clothes were too tight. I dont like wearing mumus so I just wear my regular clothes that stretch and she in her wierd superstitious way does not like that people can look at my belly. Anyways, it was crazy.

She comes up with other crazy things like, I cannot look at the moon during eclipse or crazy things like I cannot drink milk, eat yogurt or soy milk - which means that I will get osteoporosis.

Yea she is crazy.

Damn it

2008-02-28T10:12:00.000-08:00

I want to put a picture in the title bar and blogger wont let me!

Stupid blogger.

2008-02-27T09:21:00.003-08:00

I need to start swimming.

I want to but here is what is stopping me -

1) the lack of a good swim suit that will make me, a pregnant woman look good. I checked some out and there looked like target practice with my boobs being the target. No thank you. So I need to find some that are plain but pregnant woman friendly.

2) the hair. I have blogged elsewhere about my Indianess and the hair growth issue. Let me tell you that the hormones have stepped up hair growth - its actually quite repugnant how much hair can grow on me. I have decided its going to be shaving everyday if I have to - but I have to get my booty into the pool.

3) speaking of booty. My ass as well as everything else is getting bigger. Its part of the deal I know and its all worth it but still to walk around the pool half naked is going to take some courage. But I love swimming and I need it.

4) I am lazy. I am so tired all the time that any chance I get I want to lie down. Which is not to say I do so. I have a billion other things to do - mostly house stuff and once that is done I want to sleep.

All in all though, I have to get to the pool. I just have to.

Milk

2008-02-26T08:55:00.002-08:00

There were times when I could not stand milk.

I now crave milk. Its very odd. I drink milk everyday but I also crave things like ice creams, whipped cream and yogurt.

Its for the milk - maybe the fat too. Its odd. I hate whipped cream. I hate it. And yesterday, I was sitting and watching TV and suddenly I wanted whipped cream.

I feel like eating ice cream everyday. I dont b/c I dont want to be 500 pounds but I really could eat it every single day.

I drink milk by itself. Which is good and nutritious. I love horlicks. If you are not familiar with horlicks I suggest to go out and buy a bottle. It is the most delicous thing ever!

2008-02-21T11:16:00.003-08:00

I just came back from seeing my midwife. She was trying to hear the baby's heart beat and man this child was hard to get a hold on!

It is super squirmy. She had to try aleast 3 times for the baby to settle down - and then we could hear the heart beat!

J was a bit worried throughout the process but it seems everything is fine. So I wont worry.

In other random news...

I am mentally singing YMCA!

Sing it with me!

YMCA!

2008-02-19T09:15:00.001-08:00

I want to change the look of my blog but am just too lazy!

Gotcha!

Cant Wait.

2008-02-18T09:27:00.003-08:00

Cant wait until June. When summer begins - the sun shines and I can wear lovely summer skirts with my uber swollen ankles!

Seriously, I cant wait until June. I just want some heat and warmth without being cooped up in the house. I have started wearing sweaters at home which is pretty rare for me. I want to feel the sun shining and warming me up!

In other random news - one of two my co-worker's, the one married to a mexican immigrant, has the most atrocious sounding phone rings. Before it was a loud old school telephone ring. Dont get me wrong I like those old school rings that go Tring-Tring, Tring-Tring. This one was sort of like that but imagine it ear piercing loud. Now its like 80s futuristic movie gun shots. Again LOUD. She sits by the reception and the phone goes off and I feel like I should duck.

The thing is, she thinks its much softer than the one before. I am not really entirely sure about that.

Anyways.

Also, I ran into someone right now who had a lazy eye. I do too and I thought I should put it down - just cause. Yea, my left eye is a bit lazy - I dont know why but it is.

Okay, over and out!

2008-02-15T11:08:00.000-08:00

Eat Chocolates.

Sparkle

2008-02-13T10:17:00.002-08:00

The is sun is sparkling in Vancouver BC today!

Now, if you know Vancouver, you know is quite rare for the sun to shine much less sparkle.

But it is and it is fabulous.

This city is quite beautiful when the sun is shining. Everything is so clean and the trees look greener and mountains look white - covered in snow. It is quite wonderful. I love Vancouver in the summer. It is very hard not to like it!

Victoria, BC is another city I would love to live in. It is more like a retirement community but it is gorgeous and very friendly. I lived there for like 10 months when we first moved here. I have nothing but good memories there. It was spectacular! We lived right by the water and I would walk down there in the afternoon and just sit and watch the waves crash.

I think any city by the water is good by me. I love the ocean! i love beaches and pebbles and sand. i guess cause I grew up in Bombay. It connects me back home.

Anyways, back to present - I wish I was out today. Sitting by the beach and eating hot dogs!

Work.

2008-02-12T09:01:00.000-08:00

Ok, as you may already know I have a love/hate relationship with my work. Right now I am hating it for several reasons...

a) my co-worker is driving me crazy. Like literally she is very close to me completely losing it on her. She does events and finance and such stuff and has a procedure manual all set up for her job. She wants me to do the same. Here is the problem - she cant ask me to do anything - cause she is not my boss. She is my co-worker. She is used to assigning jobs to her husband, who is retired and does the same with the receptionist. Which is fine. No problem with me there. But she cant actually tell me what how I should spend my time.
The other thing is, I am a labour relations officer/research analyst. My job in terms of labour relations is giving people advise on their particular situation and trying to resolve things. I cannot put the details in terms of what the procedure is to do this. It cannot be relavant or correct. I cannot put lines like, if a member has problems with his/her employer s/he should do this that and the other. Depends on the problem and depends on the employer. Frankly, it is stupid. I've tried to communicate this to her and she doesnt seem to get it. She frequently stops by my office, telling me to get this done as I will be starting mat leave at some point - I try to convey to her to leave me alone but she just doesnt get it.
Thing is I actually like her. I do. I dont want to be nasty to her or tell her she has no authority giving me jobs - cause it would hurt her but seriously, she has got to get it at some level.

b) the people I work for are professionals. I cant give any more detail than that but they are going through training to become professionals, very highly skilled and high in demand. Needless to say, to get to this point in their lives they have to be really smart. Which they are. But at the same time, they are incredibly stupid. If I told you what they would be doing for the rest of their lives, and how incredibly stupid they were - you would distrust every single one of them the next time you come in contact with one of them or atleast think twice about your interaction.

Wow, that is a rant. Sorry for that - its just that I rant to J every so often but can only do some much ranting to one person. He gets how I feel about certain aspects of my job...

Random

2008-02-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

I love Cadbury's Eclairs!

Love em. I could eat an entire bag of them.

I cant Wait!!!!!

2008-02-07T10:17:00.000-08:00

I am becoming crazy pregnant lady. I cant wait until little jublet makes his/her world debut! I want that child in my arms and not supposedly swimming in my belly.

i think partly b/c I havent felt the baby yet - so its kind of weird for me. Its like I know its there but I cant feel anything and i keep getting bigger. So once the baby starts kicking me in a way I can feel - it might be different.

Wierd how now I cant wait for the baby to come whereas a few months ago i was freaking out at the very thought.

I guess I have grown up!

More mil!

2008-02-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

So, my in-laws 40th wedding anniversary is coming up in May.

At first we had thought we would take them to Hawaii or Las Vegas to celebrate. We realized that my mil doesnt like the beach. So Hawaii was out and LV was kind of an option but with me preggers I didnt want to hang out in a smoke filled casino! So that was out.

Fine. No biggie we can do something else.

But now we know we cannot afford anything due to my work problems. No trips especially.

My sister in law (who has apparently a bunch of money) wanted to updo my in-laws house as a gift for my in-laws anniversary. She is single, she rents and now has a bf. I guess her intentions are sincere. She sent an email to all of us, me and J, my in-laws about estimate of painting the house and how much that would cost. Not actually asking us if we wanted to be a part of this. She just assumed. So now, she wants to put $2000 of her own $$$$ for painting my in-laws upper floor. My in-laws are assuming that we (me and J) will pay to updo the basement. I would love to. Really, if money wasnt the issue I would love to. But sadly, money is a big issue and besides we have a baby coming...we cannot afford to sink money into the house. I think it would be different if we were living there and doing an upgrade but we dont. Not yet anyways. Also, I do think that even if we have to move back with the in-laws we cant afford to put a $1000 into the house with me basically being unemployed for a year.

I just hate being put in this position. I dont have the moola and cant do it. My sister in law has done this kind of thing before. She can be very passive agressive and at times has simply assumed that we are going to be buying christmas gifts for the in-laws all together. Never actually saying this - just assuming it and then pretending to be all hurt we didnt involve her. This whole mess puts J in a difficult position as he has to say to his parents we dont have the money. I think it is very insensitive of my sis-in-law.

I have always thought that as some level she just doesnt get it. Whatever 'it' might be. In anycase, we will convey this to his parents, break their hearts again. I think it might have something to do with sibling rivalry. I really do. In a wierd twisted way, my sis-in-law acts if she is still a baby sometimes. I guess you are always your parent's kid but even I dont act like she does when I see my mom in 2-3 years...

That and she always plays the guilt card. She is 34 and now not yet married. Up until she found her new bf, her parents were always feeling guilty for her being single. They would and still do, to some extent, feel responsible for her marital status. I think she is well aware of that and takes advantage of it every oppurtunity she gets. Its kind of sad.

Anyhoo, I dont mean to come off bitter and evil. I do like her - its just that there are some people in the world who just dont get it....

2008-02-04T10:47:00.001-08:00

My co-workers talk too loudly.

Esp. one of them. On a normal tone she is screaming - I dont know why. I wish she would stop as it hurts me.

I have stopped talking to either of them for the fear that one loud one will chime up (pun intended)...

Yippee-yay, yippee-yippee-yay-yay

2008-01-31T10:51:00.000-08:00

You Should Play the Violin

You are highly intelligent, and mastering difficult subjects never intimidates you.
And while you may not be musical yet, you have a good ear - and you're sensitive to subtle differences in music.

You are dedicated and studious. You have a great work ethic.
You study well under a teacher, and you don't mind repeating tasks or following instructions.

Expressive and moody, you are very likely to convey a variety of rich emotions through your music.
You are definitely a passionate person... passionate enough to truly love the violin.

Your dominant personality characteristic: your high intelligence

Your secondary personality characteristic: your sensitivity

What Musical Instrument Should You Play?

One more!

2008-01-31T10:39:00.001-08:00

I am now on freaking antibiotics due to some normally healthy bacteria going out of control!

Freaking hell! If I could individually strangle each little bacteria with my bare hands I would.

Leave me and my baby alone. Stop multiplying!

Better.

2008-01-30T10:27:00.000-08:00

It has been snowing here. It still is. I looks so pretty.

I feel much better. In fact, baby can now hear so I was entertaining it yesterday by singing to it.

Meh, things will work out the way they have to. Nothing I can do!

2008-01-29T10:42:00.000-08:00

I am depressed.

I cant cry anymore. I just cant. I woke up crying at 5.30 in the morning. I went to bed with tears in my eyes. Before that, I was crying the whole evening. I cant cry.

I have too many battles to fight and none of them are winnable. And yes, I know what this is doing to jublet but I cant stop. I cant just switch it off.

I have work problems.
I have lawyer fees due to this.
With that, I have impending financial trouble.
My mil is driving me crazy with her baby shower plans.
J, wants the best for me but doesnt care about the shower.
J is worried about money and he is starting to get frustrated and it comes out in nasty ways.
My mom wont be able to come here b/c of my lack of funds.
I am going to have to move back to my inlaws due to the lack of money.
I am not going to be able to have the baby in my apmt - my haven.

I cant fight all of this. I just cant. I am not that strong. Even if I were, its not easy being pregnant.

I dont care about the shower anymore. I will dress up like a big fat pregnant chick and sit through whatever ceremony she has in mind. I just dont care. She always gets what she wants - she will get this one too.

I am going to finish this work whether it kills me. Because, I have been completely dependent on J and let me tell you - it doesnt do anything for your self-esteem. I will kill you from inside, when you know you cant earn any money. Fuck, its not even like I can take up part time job, who is going to give a part time job to a pregnant chick who cant stand too long, who looks tired all the time and is barely making it day by day?

I dont wish my troubles on anyone. It sucks being where I am.

Update - I have calmed down a bit since writing this.

2008-01-28T10:38:00.000-08:00

I saw Sweeney Todd on Saturday. The movie is of course fantastic.

However, being pregnant while watching this movie wasnt easy. Without giving anything away - the movie made me nauseous. I mean I knew what I was getting into but man, it wasnt easy. I should have known when the rolling credits have blood flowing through them...

Memories

2008-01-24T11:04:00.000-08:00

I dont know why I remembered this but I did and I am blogging about it.

Some of my favourite memories of being in India is cooking with my mom with my siblings around.

My mom used to make all three of us help her cook. At the time, there were some days when I hated cleaning bags full of coriander or fenugreek. It sucked. But now that I think of it - it wasnt so bad. Usually, it was during summer vacations when all of us were home. Sometime around noon when the sun was high and it was too hot to even look outside. We would spend the afternoon, preping vegetables so that things were ready for the next few days. Or it was a Saturday or Sunday and we were just bored.

My favourite though was this crappy electric oven that my dad got from an auction. My dad was big on auctions. He would find all kinds of junk. He found this circular electric oven the size of big pan, and you had to plug it in to make it work. In India you dont have ovens - usually.

Anyhoo, the first few months that oven was there we made all kinds of things. Tea biscuits, cookies and whatnot. I think it was during summer vacations as my sis, my bro, my mom and myself would all sit on the floor mix the ingredients and cut it into various shapes and bake things. Once these cookies or biscuits were cooked we would eat them on the spot!

It seemed so fascinating at the time. It was fun. We used make the same cookie dough and put various food colouring in it. So in essence it was the same cookie just different colours. Hours were spent on this. It was so silly.

I think the other things that I remember is my dad cooking. My dad is quite the cook. Even though he would only cook once in awhile, esp on Sundays when he was home. He would make this vegetable rice - man it was good!

I think the thing that comes back from all of these memories is how much love there was in the house. How just spending time with each other doing silly things like chopping tomatoes or putting blue colour in the cookie dough was so much fun. How all the arguments about what the next biscuit should taste like seemed so big back then and now seem like they were stupid but fun.

I guess what I am thinking is as little jublet will be born - if I can even create something like the atmosphere that I had growing up I know my kids will be okay. I remember very clearly we didnt have much growing up. Not many expensive clothes and access to the latest gadgets and so on. But we had enough of attention from our parents and tonnes of silly stories that I will always remember. If I can give even half of these to my kids I will be happy.

The Hormones?

2008-01-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

Man, Heath Ledger's death is depressing the hell out of me.

I think it might be the hormones. I just cant get over how young he was and how talented.

Normally, celebrity deaths dont effect me as much but this guy was so young!

I am going to focus my energies on something else....food maybe?

2008-01-18T12:13:00.000-08:00

My in-laws are back from India. My Mil came back with a bag full of clothes and food. Most of the food was for me sent by my ma. Which is a treat. I wish my mommy was close by so I could just go over and hang out with her. Alas, no such luck for me!

Anyhoo, my mil came back with big ideas of having a baby shower the size of a wedding. She brought everyone clothes and ideas about invitation cards and who was going to be invited and all. Thing is we had a big giant indian wedding. We had anyone who anyone invited. I did the whole thing without a compliant. Even though I didnt like I thought what the hell, it makes everyone happy and really didnt care as long as I was with J. But this baby shower thing is getting out of hand. I already told her 3 times that was not happening. There was no big ceremony and no me dressing up like an pregnant indian doll waiting to be admired by everyone. No way. I think she still thinks this will happen.

I am determined it will not. I think I will win. I dont care how I get treated by her. I dont care what she expects out of me and what she wants me to do. But it stops with me. My kids are not going to be forced into this indian emotional blackmail. And I just drew a line.

J doesnt want any big ceremonies either but it is hard for him to say no. I am prepared to be the b!tch and take the fall. No giant ceremonies with people I dont care about, who will complain to no end and especially not with my parents being in India. No way.

So next few months will be interesting to say the least.

2008-01-15T11:10:00.000-08:00

I have been sick.Like cold, fever and congestion sick. Its not fun.

I am home for a few days to recover. Besides my work is stressing the hell out of me. Anyhoo, so the combination has made me not want to blog or really do anything except hang out.

Which I am doing. If nothing, it will be good for the baby I am sure. So there goes.

That is why I have been out of loop and generally lazy.

I think I am going to shower and clean up this place a bit.
Or maybe I will just sit and watch cartoons all day...hmmm, cartoons it is!

Ultrasound

2008-01-11T10:11:00.001-08:00

I love ultrasounds!

I got one done yesterday. It was the most amazing thing ever. I got to see little jublet. It was moving around. Trying to hide from the ultrasound scanner. Jublet looks so much like a human except that its only 5 centimeters!

It is pretty amazing to see your baby inside of you. I love new technology!

Anyways, I have been sick as a dog. I have a cold and had some fever yesterday. I feel okay. Still feverish. I think I am going to have to go back home!

Anyways, hopefully I will feel better soon!

2008-01-08T09:45:00.000-08:00

So I am still feeling shitty - but what the hell. Its a good sign - the pregnancy is taking well, I am told.

I dont have anything to post about - really.

There is NOTHING happening in my life that you dont already know. So I will give you a break today.

oh my God!

2008-01-07T09:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am in week 13 and I still feel like shit!

Everyone I have talked to has told me it gets better. I dont see better at all. I am still always on the verge of throwing up, I am tired as freaking hell and my hormones are all over the place. To make this worse I now have killer headaches.

This is not better - it is worse!

I just want to feel a bit better. Really, is that too much to ask? I really want to curl up and sleep. Sleep all day until its time to give birth. I am getting battered here.

And on top of that, I have to keep J happy. I really just want to lock myself in a room and not come out until its July. I dont want to talk to anyone - cause no one gets it. I dont want to eat - cause I either feel like puking or get heartburn. I dont want sleep cause sleeping is not comfy. And now I am starting to worry about where this baby will sleep when it finally comes out.

Not to mention, I hate being at work. I just cant take it anymore. Just want a break. A break from everything and everyone. I want to be left alone to do what I want.

Crazy, hormonal pregnant woman.

2008-01-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

Food.

All I can think of is Food. After the baby of course. I am turning silly.

First of all, I cant think of anything else but the baby. Like I dont even care about anything else right now at all. Last night I was all sad that once the baby is born - I wont be able to carry it around in my belly anymore. Does that sound stupid? I know I have a long ways to go and yada yada yada. But that thought made me super sad. Once the baby is born - I cant protect it and take care of it like I am doing right now. While it is inside of me - I can do whatever to make sure its okay but once its born - it is a seperate being. Anyways, J thought I was being silly.

And then there is food. I love food. I could eat it anytime. Speaking of which - I should go find some.

Happy New Year.

2008-01-02T10:02:00.000-08:00

Hope you had an awesome time off. I sort of did!

My pants dont fit anymore so I am doing the old elastic band trick and I have to say it works. I cant wait for the baby to be born. Like really, I am super duper excited. I want figbaby with me.

Anyways, my work is going sideways. Things are going to get ugly and it doesnt matter.

Anyways, I have missed blogging and hope to continue with the same zeal and randomness as before!

2007-12-28T10:06:00.000-08:00

Yea, ok. I know I have been M.I.A - but I have been busy sleeping and being amazed by my bulging belly. It is getting huge I am convinced I am having twins or something.

Anyways, Hope you have a Merry Christmas and will have a fabulous but safe New Years. If I dont get here until Jan - see you in the new years!